Where the buses don't run...

So the other morning I get on the bus. It's 5:40 am and the bus starts some place in Pennsylvania before it gets to me.

I don't know much but whatever that place is, it seems like it's the result of a genetic disaster of some kind.

No matter what time of day, the incessant parade of unwed mothers with loud dirty children, drunk construction workers and generally low-rent, low-IQ pinheads goes on unabated.

Anyway the bus is pretty packed, there are 2 or 3 seats, I think but I see the bench at the back has only 1 person on it.

I have no idea what is coming next.

I make my way back, there is a small ugly troll stretched out over the 3 seats.

This will eventually, to my surprise be revealed to be an actual human being...

...albeit from a family tree that consists of a single, very long branch...

…I'll give you a minute.

I tap it's shoe lightly, no response. I do it again, no response.

I've been riding buses and subways in New York City since I was 7. I know when someone is screwing with me.

I tap one last time harder on the tip of her shoe.

And ladies and gentlemen…treasured beauty doth blossomed forth as if struck from a stanza by Shakespeare himself.

Aaaaaah don't touch me, you don't touch me ever! I'll call the state police.
My husband would go crazy if he knew someone touched me!

One of my asides if I might...

I am at best an average looking person, no one is so overcome with animal lust that they need to paw at me (except for my wife, I guess) so if someone tapped me on the shoulder my first thought wouldn't be:  Oh lord here's yet another one of those amorous fans out to touch the Dave's goods.

But this thing... this grumpy wrinkled thing that looked like what might happen if Courtney Love and the muppet Sweetums had a child...this Hobbit if you will...felt the need to tell me that her husband wouldn't like it if I touched her…

... And all I could think was "surely every day that man gets up and prays to some god that not only will someone touch her but maybe just maybe that good person will leave her somewhere in a distant shallow grave".

Anyway... Gollum swings her legs over so I can sit down. I put in my headphones and start to watch a TV show.

And if you think that this is over and she was done then no offense but you are an idiot.

So, now I'm watching the TV show Castle. Rick and Kate are having sexy witty repartee but I can't hear it because the troll is talking...

I dont understand there are other seats. Why dont you sit over there next to that man?

Why dont you sit next to that woman over there?

Ohhhhh... you are going to ignore me?

I am 69 years old, I have 6 children and 11 grandchildren.

Now that one freaked me out because there must have been a fair amount of sex for her to wind up with 6 children but the second the thought was in my head, I pictured her in lingerie at the end of a bed doing her best come hither look which I imagine looked something like this:

Needless to say I was temporarily blinded by the image.

I recovered shortly thereafter and she was still talking. I missed most of it but I'm sure it was something like this:

You can sit somewhere else. I need these seats.I'm sick.

Are you listening to me I am 69 years old.

I killed JFK. 

The pope isn't real.

11 grandchildren do you hear me?

Obama Care won't work and I love saltines.

SIX CHILDREN… I SAID!

Aaaaaaaahhhh! Aaaaah!

I have a cane don't you see my cane? I have a disabled pass. Can't you see I am disabled!

I took off my headphones.

I said "I have to be honest, you do appear to be disabled, it's just that right now it's a toss up between mental and physical".

I have a cane and look at my pass! LOOK AT IT!

I did…around her neck she had the handicapped tag that you hang from a rear view mirror in a car.

Unfortunately this appeared to give credibility to her being disabled…mentally.

At this point I realized I could not win. One cannot engage in a game of wits if ones opponent is a half wit.

So I got up and fumbled thru the dark moving bus until I found another seat.

And then I went back to my TV show.

The End.