Phone Rings
Me: Hello?
Glenn: Mr. Marchisotto, this is Glenn from GlobalContinentalUniversal Cable. As you may have heard we have recently purchased your previous cable company Phil's Super Deluxe Cable and DSL Inc.
Me: Ummm…
Glenn: I completely understand Mr. Marchisotto but rest assured we are not planning on changing a thing with your service. Even though we now control all of the cable TV service within a 5000 mile radius, our only goal is to provide you with outstanding service featuring the best shows from the best providers…all while making a tremendous, almost obscene profit. HAHA.
Me: Uhhhh..
Glenn: Of course, I know exactly how you feel, so let me just take a moment to go over your current package and let you know what we offer that will enhance your viewing experience… Let's see here…
Your account says you have the Platinum Premium Package with the following shows: Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, Game of Thrones, Breaking Good, Dexter, Weeds, Homeland, Homework, The Wire, Breaking Even, 17 versions of MTV, none of which have music on them and of course 166 different versions of ESPN including that one channel from Sumatra that plays the same soccer match from 1978 over and over again.
Me: Im pretty sure there is no show called Breaking Good".
Glenn: I understand your confusion, nevertheless, lets move on... having reviewed your account, Im pretty sure we can offer you some options or rather upgrades that will provide you with such entertainment excellence that you will be rendered near catatonic simply from touching your remote control.
Me: …but I don't think...
Glenn: Of course you do, don't be silly. In any case, Dave…may I call you Dave? I feel that I've really gotten to truly know you in the past 4 minutes and due to the close personal nature of our relationship I feel I can make the following suggestions that are tailored to your viewing habits.
Me: But, you don-
Glenn: I agree. So here is what I think:. I can get you all of the same channels you have now including the ones I clearly just made up PLUS I will get you every local channel on the planet PLUS you get True Blood on HBO with all the nudity cut out so I don't know why you would watch that BUT you can have BBCNews that has been dubbed in Serbian and you'll also qualify for several new channels that have only come online since we started this phone call…one that just shows reruns of Sanford + Son 24 hours a day, another that only plays mystery movies but cuts out at the end just as they reveal the murderer's identity and another channel that just covers that stupid sport where the guys push brooms on ice to move a disc of stone…skorfing, scuffing, snuffing….korking.
Me: Curling
Glenn: Sure, why not?
Me: It's actually quite exciting, I've been following it for years and I-
Glenn: Sorry that channel has just been cancelled.
Me: Wha?
Glenn: And if you are willing to sign a 50-year contract right now, I can also add in the Numismatic Channel, The Ultimate Philatelic Network and of course CHKN…the Chicken Molesters Channel.
Me: Wait…thats not real, is it?
Glenn: Of course it is and don't be naive… and if you sign up for the SuperUltraGalactic package we will fly the cast of Glee to your home and have them dance on your lawn once a week. Provided that show is still on the air. How does all that sound?
Me: Expensive.
Glenn: Don't be silly Dave…you can have the whole package for a steal…it's only $12,998 per month.
Me: Are you insane, I can't afford that!
Glenn: Dave…Dave…man, I thought you weren't all about the money…what happened to us, dude?
Me: I don't know…I guess we just grew apart.
Click
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