But can I live without it?

I found these unique items in the Harriet Carter Catalog…you know, whenever I hear people complain that America isn't great, I just point them to this catalog and after just 5 minutes of reading, they are online…checking the procedures for emigrating to Canada.

Hair Umbrella: It's Ok…you can say it, we're amongst friends…go ahead: 

"I have no dignity". 

There, doesn't that feel better? Now you can move on with your sad life. Look, a fuckin' haircut even in Manhattan costs $15 bucks. There simply is no reason why you would don this plastic collar which looks remarkably like the thing they put on dogs to stop them from licking their stitches after they have their balls removed.

Not that Im drawing a comparison here…aw, what the heck, if you put this on and let your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend cut your hair, then you also have no balls.

On the upside, now you and the family dog can share knowing glances across 

the kitchen table. $7.98

Internet Address and Password LogBook: I think this might be the smartest thing I have ever seen… wait I don't think I used the right word there... substitute tremendously stupid for smartest…good, let's continue.

I know its hard to remember stuff especially when you are an aged fossil like myself but Im pretty sure this would be a one way ticket to Identity Theft. Also I don't think you want your wife or kids to stumble upon a list of your favorite websites…they don't need to know you frequent "FattyBoomBatty.com, "TrannieLove.com or Salamander Fondlers Society.org.

That won't be good for anyone.

Also I know it's hard to see in this image but the company that makes this product is called "Peter Pauper".  Isn't the definition of a pauper someone with no money? Hmmmmm? $7.95

Talking Digital Bible: How many times have you been presented with a crisis and remembered you left your bible at home, or in the car or in the nightstand of the hourly motel where you see Moaning Mona twice a week?

What to do? Worry no more! 

Now thou canst carry the entire Bible on thine very own keychain!

As everyone knows, the Bible contains great uplifting stories that help everyone to live healthy happy lives…wait, that doesn't sound right…after all let's just take a look at this passage from Ezekiel 23.1…

The word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, there were two women, daughters of the same mother. They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed. The older was named Oholah, and her sister was Oholibah. They were mine and gave birth to sons and daughters. Oholah is Samaria, and Oholibah is Jerusalem.

“Oholah engaged in prostitution while she was still mine; and she lusted after her lovers, the Assyrians—warriors clothed in blue, governors and commanders, all of them handsome young men, and mounted horsemen. She gave herself as a prostitute to all the elite of the Assyrians and defiled herself with all the idols of everyone she lusted after. She did not give up the prostitution she began in Egypt, when during her youth men slept with her, caressed her virgin bosom and poured out their lust on her.

Isn't that great? Isn't that touching*? Ill bet you just can't wait to read it to some children to prepare them for the real world. $19.98

*no pun intended, I think.

Squirrel Harassment System: Look, you are a busy guy/gal on the go. You have important shit to get done at the office. All that coffee aint gonna drink itself. So, how do you get the extra time you need? Well, you can spend some of your barely earned cash on this. 

How often have you said to yourself, I need to harass the neighborhood squirrels but I simply don't have the time. I must get to the office to wear skinny ties, pinch secretary's butts, drink martinis and other things I learned from watching Mad Men. I'll be honest I never worked in a real office, I don't know how these things work.

Anyway, this new Three-AssBag System (patent pending in Idaho), will allow you to terrorize the little buggers even when you are not home. We're smacking Squirrels on the ass daily…so you don't have to. $7.98 per set

Ass Tickler: Finally an item that I have been praying to Jesus for. If you are like me, then you have had to tickle your own ass for years just using your hand or whatever household item won't be missed, like the pasta strainer. But* enough about me. 

In today's day and age if you still have to tickle your own ass by hand...well, that's just not a world I want to live in. As you can see from the diagram, the tickler has great reach but you can feel free to use it in places other than the bathroom such as a funeral, your sister-in-law's baby shower, at the movies or even the coronation of the new King of Spain etc.

It's just that versatile! $12.98

*no pun intended, I think.

Super Kegel Exerciser: Ok, so this is marketed as a way to… 1. Ease urinary "accidents", 2. To slim and tighten your buttocks and 3. to strengthen your abs…but lets be honest, its not for any or that…its a sex thing…shhhhhh.

Seriously buy this and use it to tighten up your delicate lady muscles…guys dig it when a chick can open a bottle of beer with their hoohah. $22.50

Dog Mind Control: Let me ask you something…how many times have you issued a clear and concise command to your dog and he failed to comply? All the time you say? 

Well then you need this and you need it now.

Dogs may well be the dumbest thing the planet has ever seen. Oh sure people are 

always going on about how smart their dog is…how he does the grocery shopping, saves orphans from fires, writes treaties for the government etc but all I ever see is dogs 

snout-deep in other dogs butts, licking themselves at inappropriate times, trying to 

bite the UPS guy etc.

This device emits a high-frequency ultrasonic burst that forces your dog to pay attention and then if he doesn't, you just strike him repeatedly with it, that will keep focused.

$14.50

Fanny Bank: Saving money is hard but now it can be demeaning and stupid too! 

How?, you ask. Well take a look at this marvel of American Ingenuity. A half-covered ass practically begs you to drop money into it…sort of like a really cheap strip club dancer. But the best part is that every time you drop in a coin…it farts. 

Believe it or not it comes programmed with 6 distinct (dis-stink, HA!) fart sounds…I assume a different sound for each type of coin?  Who knows?

$14.98 Requires 3 AA batteries (not included) and a complete lack of intelligence.

Chin Strap: This one caught me by surprise and even after reading the description, I couldn't figure out what its for. I made a bunch of guesses…Mouth Breather Syndrome? Oral Sex Injury? To hold a wig in place on windy days? But they were all wrong! 

It's to shut your wife up! Perhaps the greatest invention since the Snuggie…this stops your loved one from prattling on about her day when you get home…allowing you the peace and quiet you so richly deserve. $7.98 Two for $14.98