Special Orders Don't Upset Us...

2013 Employment Application

Explore a Golden Opportunity…HA! get it?…golden arches…golden opportunity? Get it? 

Anyway...

McDonalds is an equal opportunity employer committed to a diverse and inclusive workforce. After all if we didn't take everyone…we'd only have 23 stores worldwide.

Did you know? 30% of our franchise owners, 50% of our corporate staff and 70% of our restaurant owners started as crew? Did you know that 100% of those people have at one time or another peed in the pickle containers…even the 74 year old grandma who works the fry-olator?

Here are some of the great benefits of working at McDonalds: 

Competitive Wages - competitive that is with another job where you make bad food in a filthy environment surrounded by people so stupid they need written instructions on how to operate a mop…so Denny's, I guess.

Flexible Hours - By which we mean any hours you can remember to get up, remain standing upright, find the store and manage not to score an 8-ball on the way in.

McDonalds Insurance Program - Nah just kidding, we supply band aids, some rubbing alcohol and all the patties you can use to stop the bleeding.

Free Uniforms - because we need to remove the last vestiges of self-esteem you might have when you first get through our doors.

Apply Today!

Name - Ervin "Crazy Zappatos" Ferpstein
Address - Until yesterday... Tower 6, Block D, Cell 119A
Phone - Yes
Email - Mayor McStudly@ IlliniosMenCorrectionFacility.com
Gender - I'm All Man (except for those first 2 weeks in lockup)
Race - Can't, car is too slow. 
Are you Over 18 - I think so
Have you worked for McDonalds before? Nuh Uh
Reason For Leaving - I just told you I aint worked for McDonalds before.

How many days are you available, how many hours? Wednesday 2pm to 4:30pm
How did you hear about this opportunity? What opportunity?
How far do you live from the restaurant? - Why, you need a ride?
Do you have transportation - Yep, 89 toyota Camry with bitchin rims.

Employment History - Does jail count?
Company- I do like entertaining the ladies from time to time.
Position - I told you, I aint doin that no more since I got out.
Supervisor - Nah, my head is kind of small, I'll take a regular visor
Rate of Pay - Every week, right?
Reason for Leaving - Whut? I just got here!

School Most recently Attended - PS 186
Teacher - i don't know if I can teach her, who are you talking about?
Last Grade Completed - 5th
GPA - Ummm…yes.
Graduated Yes/No - How can I do both?

US military - Yup.
Branch - 4 days in the Army.
Date of Discharge - I thought the doc aint supposed to show that file to anyone.
Do you have service field skills, If yes, Describe.

During the last 5 years have you been convicted, pled guilty or pled no contest to a crime. Yes / No. If yes, explain in excruciating detail what you did. 

Yes…I up and tried robbing the Piggly Wiggly on Ellis Street. But I got there when it was closed so I drove to Steve's house on account of he is the assistant manager to get the keys but he wasn't home so I drove up to Fayetown and got lost so I stopped at the Piggly Wiggly there and thought what the hell and I robbed it. I got caught 3 miles away with 2 boxes of Little Debbies and a six pack of Diet Mr. Pibb.

Thank you for applying and Good Luck!