A simple question...

What the fuck is this?

But can I live without it?

I found these unique items in the Harriet Carter Catalog…you know, whenever I hear people complain that America isn't great, I just point them to this catalog and after just 5 minutes of reading, they are online…checking the procedures for emigrating to Canada.

Hair Umbrella: It's Ok…you can say it, we're amongst friends…go ahead: 

"I have no dignity". 

There, doesn't that feel better? Now you can move on with your sad life. Look, a fuckin' haircut even in Manhattan costs $15 bucks. There simply is no reason why you would don this plastic collar which looks remarkably like the thing they put on dogs to stop them from licking their stitches after they have their balls removed.

Not that Im drawing a comparison here…aw, what the heck, if you put this on and let your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend cut your hair, then you also have no balls.

On the upside, now you and the family dog can share knowing glances across 

the kitchen table. $7.98

Internet Address and Password LogBook: I think this might be the smartest thing I have ever seen… wait I don't think I used the right word there... substitute tremendously stupid for smartest…good, let's continue.

I know its hard to remember stuff especially when you are an aged fossil like myself but Im pretty sure this would be a one way ticket to Identity Theft. Also I don't think you want your wife or kids to stumble upon a list of your favorite websites…they don't need to know you frequent "FattyBoomBatty.com, "TrannieLove.com or Salamander Fondlers Society.org.

That won't be good for anyone.

Also I know it's hard to see in this image but the company that makes this product is called "Peter Pauper".  Isn't the definition of a pauper someone with no money? Hmmmmm? $7.95

Talking Digital Bible: How many times have you been presented with a crisis and remembered you left your bible at home, or in the car or in the nightstand of the hourly motel where you see Moaning Mona twice a week?

What to do? Worry no more! 

Now thou canst carry the entire Bible on thine very own keychain!

As everyone knows, the Bible contains great uplifting stories that help everyone to live healthy happy lives…wait, that doesn't sound right…after all let's just take a look at this passage from Ezekiel 23.1…

The word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, there were two women, daughters of the same mother. They became prostitutes in Egypt, engaging in prostitution from their youth. In that land their breasts were fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed. The older was named Oholah, and her sister was Oholibah. They were mine and gave birth to sons and daughters. Oholah is Samaria, and Oholibah is Jerusalem.

“Oholah engaged in prostitution while she was still mine; and she lusted after her lovers, the Assyrians—warriors clothed in blue, governors and commanders, all of them handsome young men, and mounted horsemen. She gave herself as a prostitute to all the elite of the Assyrians and defiled herself with all the idols of everyone she lusted after. She did not give up the prostitution she began in Egypt, when during her youth men slept with her, caressed her virgin bosom and poured out their lust on her.

Isn't that great? Isn't that touching*? Ill bet you just can't wait to read it to some children to prepare them for the real world. $19.98

*no pun intended, I think.

Squirrel Harassment System: Look, you are a busy guy/gal on the go. You have important shit to get done at the office. All that coffee aint gonna drink itself. So, how do you get the extra time you need? Well, you can spend some of your barely earned cash on this. 

How often have you said to yourself, I need to harass the neighborhood squirrels but I simply don't have the time. I must get to the office to wear skinny ties, pinch secretary's butts, drink martinis and other things I learned from watching Mad Men. I'll be honest I never worked in a real office, I don't know how these things work.

Anyway, this new Three-AssBag System (patent pending in Idaho), will allow you to terrorize the little buggers even when you are not home. We're smacking Squirrels on the ass daily…so you don't have to. $7.98 per set

Ass Tickler: Finally an item that I have been praying to Jesus for. If you are like me, then you have had to tickle your own ass for years just using your hand or whatever household item won't be missed, like the pasta strainer. But* enough about me. 

In today's day and age if you still have to tickle your own ass by hand...well, that's just not a world I want to live in. As you can see from the diagram, the tickler has great reach but you can feel free to use it in places other than the bathroom such as a funeral, your sister-in-law's baby shower, at the movies or even the coronation of the new King of Spain etc.

It's just that versatile! $12.98

*no pun intended, I think.

Super Kegel Exerciser: Ok, so this is marketed as a way to… 1. Ease urinary "accidents", 2. To slim and tighten your buttocks and 3. to strengthen your abs…but lets be honest, its not for any or that…its a sex thing…shhhhhh.

Seriously buy this and use it to tighten up your delicate lady muscles…guys dig it when a chick can open a bottle of beer with their hoohah. $22.50

Dog Mind Control: Let me ask you something…how many times have you issued a clear and concise command to your dog and he failed to comply? All the time you say? 

Well then you need this and you need it now.

Dogs may well be the dumbest thing the planet has ever seen. Oh sure people are 

always going on about how smart their dog is…how he does the grocery shopping, saves orphans from fires, writes treaties for the government etc but all I ever see is dogs 

snout-deep in other dogs butts, licking themselves at inappropriate times, trying to 

bite the UPS guy etc.

This device emits a high-frequency ultrasonic burst that forces your dog to pay attention and then if he doesn't, you just strike him repeatedly with it, that will keep focused.

$14.50

Fanny Bank: Saving money is hard but now it can be demeaning and stupid too! 

How?, you ask. Well take a look at this marvel of American Ingenuity. A half-covered ass practically begs you to drop money into it…sort of like a really cheap strip club dancer. But the best part is that every time you drop in a coin…it farts. 

Believe it or not it comes programmed with 6 distinct (dis-stink, HA!) fart sounds…I assume a different sound for each type of coin?  Who knows?

$14.98 Requires 3 AA batteries (not included) and a complete lack of intelligence.

Chin Strap: This one caught me by surprise and even after reading the description, I couldn't figure out what its for. I made a bunch of guesses…Mouth Breather Syndrome? Oral Sex Injury? To hold a wig in place on windy days? But they were all wrong! 

It's to shut your wife up! Perhaps the greatest invention since the Snuggie…this stops your loved one from prattling on about her day when you get home…allowing you the peace and quiet you so richly deserve. $7.98 Two for $14.98

Auspicious, no?

I got this via email recently...it's typical of the stupidity many people like to engage in. Sad but funny...but mostly sad. 

Anyway despite being complete bullshit, (this doesnt happen once every 823...its actually like once every 6 or 7 years), I thought I would do a translation of it...

Bad Luck Everyone! 

This year December has 5 Mondays and that means 5 times during that month you will sit up in a heroin and vodka-fueled haze, nudge the trannie hooker you banged the night before, take a French bath in the Motel 6 sink and then try and bum a ride to the office.

This happens every fuckin' weekend. You call it “YamBags and FunBags”.

So don’t share it, for God’s sake get the penicillin shot.

And that shot hurts…it's no fun.

What I meant to say was...

Some pearls of wisdom from the late, great Frank Zappa...

I think it’s really tragic when people get serious about stuff. It’s such an absurdity to take anything really seriously ... I make an honest attempt not to take anything seriously: I worked that attitude out about the time I was eighteen, I mean, what does it all mean when you get right down to it, what’s the story here? Being alive is so weird.

I think that if a person doesn’t feel cynical then they’re out of phase with the 20th century. Being cynical is the only way to deal with modern civilization, you can’t just swallow it whole.

When asked what amazes him about people, in an interview...Their stupidity does not amaze me, its when they’re smart that amazes me. It’s baffling whenever you find someone who’s smart — incredible. Soon you’ll have zoos for such things.

I like to watch the news, because I don’t like people very much and when you watch the news... if you ever had an idea that people were really terrible, you could watch the news and know that you’re right.

The first thing you have to do if you want to raise nice kids, is you have to talk to them like they are people instead of talking to them like they’re property.

Let’s not be too rough on our own ignorance; it’s what makes America great!

The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the Tree of Knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn’t asked any questions.

Rock journalism is people who can’t write, interviewing people who can’t talk, in order to provide articles for people who can’t read.

To me, absurdity is the only reality.

You know, people are basically shitty. It’s when they prove it over and over again that it gets obnoxious.

Drop out of school before your mind rots from exposure to our mediocre educational system. Forget about the Senior Prom and go to the library and educate yourself if you’ve got any guts. Some of you like Pep rallies and plastic robots who tell you what to read. Forget I mentioned it. This song has no message. Rise for the flag salute.

There’s no reason to assume that my idea of what‘s better would really be better. I resent it when other people try to inflict their ideas of betterness on me. I don’t think they know. And I can’t see any authority on the horizon that’s got any answers that seem worthwhile. Most of the things that are suggested are probably detrimental to your mental health.

Organized religions by their very natures are misleading. The bottom line is always money. What that’s got to do with your spiritual well-being still eludes me. It’s always the bucks, no matter how they disguise it. If you need that sort of assistance to keep yourself together, you may be paying a higher rate to a fake religion than you would to a psychotherapist. Which is not to say that a psychotherapist is going to give you any better value per dollar either. lf you’re going to deal with reality, you’re going to have to make one big discovery: Reality is something that belongs to you as an individual. If you wanna grow up, which most people don’t, the thing to do is take responsibility for your own reality and deal with it on your own terms. Don’t expect that because you pay some money to somebody else or take a pledge or join a club or run down the street or wear a special bunch of clothes or play a certain sport or even drink Perrier water, it’s going to take care of everything for you. Because it all comes from inside. As a matter of fact, that’s where it stays.

Certification from one source or another seems to be the most important thing to people all over the world. A piece of paper from a school that says you’re smart, a pat on the head from your parents that says you’re good or some reinforcement from your peers that makes you think what you’re doing is worthwhile. People are just waiting around to get certified.

Just because somebody hears something you say, or reads something that you write, doesn’t mean you’ve reached them. With reading comprehension being what it is in the U. S., you can safely toss that one out the window. If you want to judge by the listening habits of people who buy records, the first thing they do is put it on and talk over it.

The U.S. is a mere pup tent of a civilization. We’ve got two hundred years of stupidity behind us and we think we’re right up there with everyone else who’s been doing it for thousands of years.


The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else’s life.

A Little Song, A Little Dance...

Staff Meeting
Monday Morning -  10:03am

CEO: Does anyone have anything else they would like to share?

Manager: Yes, yes I do...You know, working here with you guys is like being the first guy into the clown car. It starts out ok... but suddenly it's dark, sweaty and there’s not nearly enough air.

And my only hope is that I get smothered quickly.

CEO: ummm, ok...anyone else?

Ah, I remember it well....

So... The Coors Brewing Company has started manufacturing and selling "commemorative" cans of its beer.

I'll give you a minute...

Ok…even if we ignore the fact that Coors, like almost all American beer tastes like cold watered down piss… (trust me I know, I went to college in South Carolina), this seems tremendously stupid.

I went and looked up the word…cause that's how I roll… and it turns out that to commemorate means "to honor or keep alive the memory of".

Hmmmm...

Ok, so I will be the first to admit that there are a lot of stupid people in the world, I mean we obviously have a surplus of them judging by what I see in New York City on a daily basis but who the fuck is out there buying a beer and then standing around to discuss the other beer it reminds them of?

Or... maybe it's supposed to remind you of an important event in your life?

Enos: "Hiram, that there beer's a good un', know whut I'm saying? Drinkin' this here takes me back".

Hiram: "Uh…yep".

Enos: *confused* "Uh, yep... whut"?

Hiram: "Ummmm, um, I dunno, what're you on about"?

Enos: "This here beer reminds me of Debbie's hysterectomy, that there was a good day, remember? I was in sitting here in this very pickup with you just relaxatatin' and Debbie come out hollering about how today was Tuesday and didn't I remember I said I would run her over to the clinic so's they could take a gander at her delicate lady parts and I said, woman, I caint go now, Magnum PI come on in a half  hour and I aint missin it.  Remember that"?

Hiram: "Uh, yep".

Enos: "Good times".

Special Orders Don't Upset Us...

2013 Employment Application

Explore a Golden Opportunity…HA! get it?…golden arches…golden opportunity? Get it? 

Anyway...

McDonalds is an equal opportunity employer committed to a diverse and inclusive workforce. After all if we didn't take everyone…we'd only have 23 stores worldwide.

Did you know? 30% of our franchise owners, 50% of our corporate staff and 70% of our restaurant owners started as crew? Did you know that 100% of those people have at one time or another peed in the pickle containers…even the 74 year old grandma who works the fry-olator?

Here are some of the great benefits of working at McDonalds: 

Competitive Wages - competitive that is with another job where you make bad food in a filthy environment surrounded by people so stupid they need written instructions on how to operate a mop…so Denny's, I guess.

Flexible Hours - By which we mean any hours you can remember to get up, remain standing upright, find the store and manage not to score an 8-ball on the way in.

McDonalds Insurance Program - Nah just kidding, we supply band aids, some rubbing alcohol and all the patties you can use to stop the bleeding.

Free Uniforms - because we need to remove the last vestiges of self-esteem you might have when you first get through our doors.

Apply Today!

Name - Ervin "Crazy Zappatos" Ferpstein
Address - Until yesterday... Tower 6, Block D, Cell 119A
Phone - Yes
Email - Mayor McStudly@ IlliniosMenCorrectionFacility.com
Gender - I'm All Man (except for those first 2 weeks in lockup)
Race - Can't, car is too slow. 
Are you Over 18 - I think so
Have you worked for McDonalds before? Nuh Uh
Reason For Leaving - I just told you I aint worked for McDonalds before.

How many days are you available, how many hours? Wednesday 2pm to 4:30pm
How did you hear about this opportunity? What opportunity?
How far do you live from the restaurant? - Why, you need a ride?
Do you have transportation - Yep, 89 toyota Camry with bitchin rims.

Employment History - Does jail count?
Company- I do like entertaining the ladies from time to time.
Position - I told you, I aint doin that no more since I got out.
Supervisor - Nah, my head is kind of small, I'll take a regular visor
Rate of Pay - Every week, right?
Reason for Leaving - Whut? I just got here!

School Most recently Attended - PS 186
Teacher - i don't know if I can teach her, who are you talking about?
Last Grade Completed - 5th
GPA - Ummm…yes.
Graduated Yes/No - How can I do both?

US military - Yup.
Branch - 4 days in the Army.
Date of Discharge - I thought the doc aint supposed to show that file to anyone.
Do you have service field skills, If yes, Describe.

During the last 5 years have you been convicted, pled guilty or pled no contest to a crime. Yes / No. If yes, explain in excruciating detail what you did. 

Yes…I up and tried robbing the Piggly Wiggly on Ellis Street. But I got there when it was closed so I drove to Steve's house on account of he is the assistant manager to get the keys but he wasn't home so I drove up to Fayetown and got lost so I stopped at the Piggly Wiggly there and thought what the hell and I robbed it. I got caught 3 miles away with 2 boxes of Little Debbies and a six pack of Diet Mr. Pibb.

Thank you for applying and Good Luck!