One ring to rule them all.

The true definition of marriage is a relationship in which you always have 

someone nearby to ask you if you know what the fuck you are doing.

This is why we can't have nice things...

I felt it was time that people at work recognized how great I am… and I was determined to show them even if it meant voting for myself as employee of the month.

So I created this award, printed it and hung it on the door of my office…

…and then I left my desk for 20 seconds and this happened…

Jealousy is such an ugly thing, isn't it?

12 Steps? That's nothing...

Original process:

Client issues an order to us.

New job is created by Jon.

I see the confirmation email.

I log into Quickbooks by entering my username (Studly J. McHandsome).

Create PO.

Issue to client via email.

Total elapsed Time: 3 minutes.

New Process:

Client issues an order to us.

Jon lights some candles and prays to the Gods of Accounting that they will grant his wish.

Marge ignores him.

I see the new order and ask Jon if he can create a PO.

Jon give me “the look” and points at Marge’s office.

I cry a little bit.

Marge chuckles and accidently spills some Skittles down her boobs.

I send client order to Marge and ask with great humility and respect how I can pretty-please with sugar on top... get a Sales Order Number generated.

Marge says I must choose from the following three challenges, if I complete one, she will issue the new number:

1. Must get thru an entire day with using the words Orale! or referring to Hilaleah as the crappier version of Opalocka.

2. Must find a vintage 1977 phone book from Encino California in mint condition.

3. Must provide proof that all the bad things in the world are because tall people keep marrying short people. *

I choose Number 2 because it seems the least likely to result in tremendous pain via a chancletta to the head.

I go on CraigsList to find the phone book.

I get distracted on the site and end up accidently soliciting sex from a midget in Tulsa, Oklahoma. While I have him on the phone, I tell him about Marge’s theory on short people. He agrees, he says that short people plan to eventually take over the world but for now he agrees to ship me the phonebook.

Two weeks later I get the phonebook to Marge.

She creates the Sales Order Number.

I log into Quickbooks using my username (Tremendous Lee Largewang).

Create PO.

Issue to client.

Total elapsed Time: 19 days.

** In the scientific community, this very important theory is known as the Jaramillo Midget-Giant Repose Conjecture.

Hole in One?

Saturday Afternoon
Going to play mini golf.

The place is packed. We get up to the counter...

He: "Are you here to play in the arcade or mini-golf"?

Me: "Mini-Golf".

He: "There's a two-hour wait".

Me: "The only way I'm waiting 2 hours is if the holes Im trying to drop my balls into are attached to a real live woman".

He: Uhhh.

Just because...

[Run]

Run.. (Run..) D.. (D) M.. (M) C.. (C)

Rock.. (rock.. rock..)

For you! (for you.. for you..)

Fresh (fresh.. fresh..)

[Run]

For all you sucker MC’s perpetratin a FRAUD

Your rhymes are cold wack and keep the crowd cold bored

You’re the kind of guy that girl ignored

I’m drivin Caddy, you fixin a FORD

My name is Joseph Simmons but my middle name’s Lloyd

And when I’m rockin on the mic, you should all applaud

Because we’re (wheelin, dealin, we got a funny feelin)

We rock from the floor up the ceilin

We groove it (you move it) it has been proven

We calm the savage beast because our music is SOOTHIN

We create it (relate it) and often demonstrate it

We’ll diss a sucker MC make the other suckers hate it

We’re rising (suprising) and often hypnotizing

We always tell the truth and then we never slip no lies in

No curls (no braids) peasy-head and still get paid

Jam Master cut the record up and down and cross-fade

[Run]

Because the rhymes I say, sharp as a nail

Witty as can be and not for sale

Always funky fresh, could NEVER be stale

[D.M.C.]

Took a test to become an MC and didn’t fail

I couldn’t wait to demonstrate

All the super def rhymes that I create

I’m a wizard of a word, that’s what you heard

And anything else is quite absurd

I’m the master of a mic, that’s what I say

And if I didn’t say that, you’d say it anyway

[Run]

Bust into the party, come in the place

See the first things come, the music in your face

Girls on the walls, some on the floor

With the DJ named Jay with the cuts galore

[D.M.C.]

So listen to this because it can’t be missed

And you can’t leave til you’re dismissed

You can do anything that you want to

But you can’t leave until we’re through

So relax your BODY and your mind

And listen to us say this rhyme - HEY

You might think that you have WAITED

Long enough til the rhyme was STATED

But if it were a test it would be GRADED

With a grade that’s not DEBATED

Nothing too deep and nothing dense

And all our rhymes make a lot of SENSE

[Run-D.M.C.]

So move your butt, to the cut

Run amok, you’re not in a rut

Each and everybody out there, we got the notion

[D.M.C.]

We want to see y’all all in motion

[Run-D.M.C.]

Just SHAKE, WIGGLE jump up and down

Move your body to the funky sound

[D.M.C.]

Side to side, back and forth

[Run-D.M.C.]

We’re the two MC’s, and we’re gonna go off

Stand in place, walk or RUN

Tap your feet, you’ll be on the one

[D.M.C.]

Just snap your fingers and clap your hands

[Run-D.M.C.]

Our DJ’s better than all these bands

HUH!!

[Run] We got all the lines

[DMC] and all the rhymes

[Run] We don’t drop dimes

[DMC] and we don’t do crimes

[Run] We bake a little cake with Duncan Hines

[DMC] and never wear the vest they call the Calvin Kleins

[Run] Cause Calvin Klein’s no friend of mine

Don’t want nobody’s name on my behind

Lee on my legs, sneakers on my feet

D by my side and Jay with the beat

[Run-D.M.C.] - (ad libbing to fade)

Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay..

We don’t.. we don’t.. we don’t stop!

Don’t.. don’t.. don’t.. don’t stop! (JAY!)

One.. two.. three..

Hollis Crew.. crew.. crew..

For.. for.. for.. for the love now..

Cool T now..

Hah, ?? ..

My, my man Jam Master..

Is in his place to be.. (JAY! Jay.. Jay.. Jay..)

The big beat blaster..

All, the way live..

Re, remember you don’t stop..

Kickin it, and you don’t stop..

Rrrrrrrrrock, d-dot, d-dot, rock the spot..

Stick em.. and you don’t stop, hah..

Run.. rocks it well, we-welle-well..

A-with the clientele..

Krush Groove..

Young ladies in the place..

We, we we’re, we we’re we’re, we we’re we’re (bass)

We we’re in the hottest space..

Ha (ha), Cold Crush, so Larry (so Larry)

Homeboys..

Now we’re talkin autographs..

Autographs.. and autographs..

Fly girls.. in the place, in the place..

Homeboys..

Hollis Crew.. 

{*music fades*}

I'm just sayin'

If you spent the 1980s listening to Megadeth you probably love life.

A new study reveals that heavy metal fans from the golden age of hair bands are "significantly happier" and "better-adjusted" today than their peers who spent the ’80s listening to less headbanging fare.

The data also showed that these decibel diehards grew up to be far-less regretful than their non-metal peers, with only one-third of them carrying regrets compared to 51.3% of their peers.

How is it possible? Well, Slayer and Iron Maiden fans were far more likely to drink and have sex — and not feel too bad about it. The group was less likely than their peers to seek emotional counseling. To researchers, that group camaraderie was the key.

"Social support is a crucial protective factor for troubled youth," wrote the authors of the study, which polled 377 adults and was led by Dr. Tasha Howe of northern California's Humboldt State University. "Fans and musicians alike felt a kinship in the metal community, and a way to experience heightened emotions with like-minded people."

In the end, the majority of metalheads emerged from the '80s in great shape - and with quite a few stories to tell.

"Today, these middle-aged metalheads are middle class ... and look back fondly on the wild times they lived in the 1980s," the study said.

Clearly, that crazy train led straight to Blissville.

What a Great Deal !

Rebate Application Form:

Your Information:

Name:
Nickname:
Address:
Salad: Ranch, Thousand Island or House Vinaigrette?
Phone:
Cell Phone:
ET Phone Home?
Belly Button: Innie or Outtie
Work Email:
Home Email:
Email You Use for Booty Calls:
Favorite Position During Sex:
Room Temperature:
Height:
Do ripe peaches remind you of a curvy woman's ass? Yes/ No

Instructions:

Purchase one of the qualified products listed below between the dates of February 29 and 31st 2009, mail in the completed rebate form and you will receive a check for $7.95 within 27-44 months.

The CrispMaster Jesus Imprint Toaster (MDC-1190)

The "Keepin It Toasty" Waffle'O'Matic Waffle Maker (AE35)

The Perfect On One Side, Burnt On the Other" Toaster Oven (BSG75)

How To Claim Your Rebate:

In order to claim the rebate, please visit: http://www.tns792d0dosgd543ksns77sfof752jdyhemshhyeii8888ekie00000000.jdud000oo0djdthakaydd/rebate/areyousureyoutypedazeroandnotano/nothappening.com

Create a unique login: Your password must contain 27 letters and you cannot repeat any letter twice. It must contain 11 uppercase letters, 7 non-consecutive numbers and an umlaut.

Wait for a confirmation email, click on the link in that email. It will take you to the Information Registry Page. Click on the link that says "Do Not Click This Link".

Oops.

Restart your computer. Go into Settings, Date and Time and set the date to January 16, 1969.

Return to the Rebate Page and Login. Enter your item, price paid, model name, name of first girlfriend, date of purchase, UPC code, serial number, proof of purchase number, ISBN code, favorite Game of Thrones character, mothers middle name, your current weight and product color.

Terms + Conditions:

Toastinmybuns Inc. is located at: 123 Main Street , NippleRub, Arkansas 08176 USA

By accessing this website we assume you accept these terms and conditions in full. Do not continue to use ToastinMyBuns Inc.'s website if you do not accept all of the terms and conditions stated on this page.

The following terminology applies to these Terms and Conditions, Privacy Statement and Disclaimer Notice and any or all Agreements: "Client", “You” and “Your” refers to you, the person accessing this website and accepting the Company’s terms and conditions. "The Company", “Ourselves”, “We”, “Our” and "Us", refers to our Company. “Party”, “Parties”, or “Us”, refers to both the Client and ourselves, or either the Client or ourselves. 

All terms refer to the offer, acceptance and consideration of payment necessary to undertake the process of our assistance to the Client in the most appropriate manner, whether by formal meetings of a fixed duration, or any other means, for the express purpose of meeting the Client’s needs in respect of provision of the Company’s stated services/products, in accordance with and subject to, prevailing law of United States. Any use of the above terminology or other words in the singular, plural, capitalisation and/or he/she or they, are taken as interchangeable and therefore as referring to same.

Lets be honest, you're not going to read this far in and here is where we make sure you can never claim the rebate no matter what paperwork you send us. For the simple truth is, if you don't know the 12 letter secret code then you get nothing!**

** HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA