Help! I've been Kickstarted...

Welcome Lovers of the Cinema…

It’s me! Ernest “CandyLand” Fwipman III, director of films such as the amazing action cult hit “Don’t Touch My Pits”, the comedy stylings of “What’s That Smell?” and the gentle ennui of "Captain KillFucker and the Kidney Crushing Legion of HellDeath 2:The KillFuckening”.

Since none of the major studios will return my calls after the release of my unjustly maligned “Helen Keller vs. The Terminator", Im looking to make a film on my own outside of the studio system and I need your help.

I’ve written something so special that I can barely keep it to myself. What if I told you that I am creating a movie that combines the comedy stylings of Rob Schneider with the action scenes from Rocky III, the hardcore sex scenes from Attack of the Giant Bosoms III and a dash of Weekend at Bernies 2 and starring Vin Diesel, Helen Mirren and Danny Devito?

Wouldn’t you want to be part of that…a financial part of it at least…please?

Well thats the name of the game here, I need your cash so here is what I’m offering in return for your help (money).

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$5  
Gets you an email wherein I thank you for giving me five bucks. Emails may be ghostwritten by my housekeeper or mechanic.

$20
Digital Download of the final film and a TShirt that says “Who Farted?” Suitable to wear to any important event such as a christening of a child you don’t care for or even a surprise visit with his Holiness, the Pope.

$25 
Digital Download of the final film, plus the T-Shirt plus a copy of my autobiography: Direct This! Muthafucka!”.

$50 
DVD of the film, plus the Digital download plus the shirt, 3 copies of my autobiography and the fan belt from a 1972 Plymouth Scamp.

$75 
Everything from the $50 package plus I'll let you walk my dog for a month

$100 
Everything from the $75 package plus I'll let you watch my kids for the weekend while Im in Vegas.

$250 
You get a producers credit on the film and you get to kiss me full on the mouth. 
No Tongue

$260 
Ok, tongue

$500 
Everything from the $260 package plus you get all the behind the scenes clips from the movie including one 44 minute scene where I was accidentally filmed eating Chinese Food while I talk to myself.

$1,000 
Everything above plus you get to attend the premier of the film in downtown Canton Ohio, provided you pay for your own plane ticket and hotel and if possible pick me up at the airport on your way into town.

$2,500 
Everything above plus you get a signed autographed picture of Tom Cruise (photo is made out to "Steven" and says “Thanks for last night, big guy”)

$5,000 
Everything above plus a date with Steven.

Mistaken Identity...

This week we had a small acknowledgment for a staff member who just became a citizen. A major achievement when you realize just how moronic and convoluted the process is.

As a joke we played the national anthem while we called him out. A strange thing happened though, several people placed their hands on the hearts like when you were in grade school.

Unfortunately I saw it less as solemn patriotism and more like a Pavlovian response.

When I commented on it,  one person said " if you don't like America, get the hell out".

Which is the same tired answer that people who know nothing about their own country and it's government say as a knee jerk reaction. More on her at the end of this rant.*

I love living in the US but I most certainly am not proud to call it home for a variety of reasons (most of which seem to revolve around a group of people hell-bent on doing the wrong thing because thats what makes them the most money) and anyone who says they love their country unconditionally is not living in reality. 

It's pretty simple…America is not the greatest country in the world…but we certainly could work towards that if we really and truly tried. I'm not the first person to say that and I certainly won't be the last.

I've posted this before and now I will again if only because (despite it being dialogue from a tv drama) it so succinctly spells out what is wrong and what used to be right with us...

The Newsroom - "We just Decided To". 
Newsman Will Macavoy, Sharon, a liberal television program producer and Lewis, a conservative politician are on a panel at a local college. College student comes to the microphone...

Jenny: “Can you say why America is the greatest country in the world?”

Sharon:  “Diversity and opportunity.”

Moderator: “Louis?”

Louis:  “Freedom and freedom…so let’s keep it that way.”

Moderator: “Will?”

Will: “The New York Jets.”

Moderator:“No, I’m going to hold you to an answer on that.  What makes America the greatest country in the world?”

Will: “Well, Louis and Sharon said it.  Diversity and opportunity and freedom and freedom.”

Moderator: “I’m not letting you go back to the airport without answering the question.”

Will: “Well, our Constitution is a masterpiece.  James Madison was a genius.  The Declaration of Independence is, for me, the single greatest piece of America writing…”

(Professor keeps staring).

Will: “You don’t look satisfied.”

Moderator:“One’s a set of laws and the other’s a declaration of war.  I want a human moment from you…what about the people? Why is America…”

Will: “It’s not the greatest country in the world, professor.  That’s my answer.”

Moderator: “You’re saying…”

Will:  “Yes.”

Moderator: “Let’s talk about…”

Will: “Fine.”

(Will turns to Sharon)

Will: “Sharon, the NEA is a loser.  Yeah, it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he…”

(Gestures to Louis)

Will: “…gets to hit you with it anytime he wants.  It doesn’t cost money…it costs votes.  It costs airtime and column inches.  You know why people don’t like liberals?  Cause they lose.  If liberals are so fucking smart, how come they lose so god damn always?”

Sharon: “Hey!…”

(Will turns to Louis.)

Will: [without letting her finish, he directs his attention to Lewis] And with a straight face, you're gonna tell students that America's so star-spangled awesome, that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom, Japan has freedom, the UK, France, Italy, Germany, Spain, Australia, Belgium has freedom. [laughs] So 207 sovereign states in the world, like a hundred and eighty of them have freedom.

Moderator: Alright–

Will: And yeah, you, sorority girl. Just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know, and one of them is, there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world. We're 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 
178th in infant mortality, 3rd in median household income, number 4 in labor force, 
and number 4 in exports. 

We lead the world in only 3 categories: number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined. 25 of whom are allies. Now, none of this is the fault of a 20 year old college student. But you, nonetheless, are without a doubt a member of the worst. generation. ever. So when you ask, "what makes us the greatest country in the world?" I dunno know what the fuck you're talking about. 

[Pause] 

We sure used to be. We stood up for what was right. We fought for moral reasons. We passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. We waged wars on poverty, not poor people. We sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors. We put our money where our mouths were. And we never beat our chest. 

We built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the world's greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. We reached for the stars, acted like men. We aspired to intelligence, we didn't belittle it, it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in our last election. 

And we didn't... we didn't scare so easy. We were able to be all these things, and to do all these things, because we were informed. By great men, men who were revered. First step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore. 

[Pause, then to the moderator] Enough?

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For reference, here are some statistics drawn from the government and they may give you a different idea of what this country is about.

We spend the most per student on education but don't produce the smartest students.

We export more weapons than anyone else in the world.

We have more guns in private hands than any other country.

We use more energy than any other country.

More babies die the day they were born in the US than in any industrialized country.

We excel in creating rich people (at the expense of the rest of the population).

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And as for that misguided individual...I guess I really can't expect any better discourse from someone who once argued with me that Ex-President George Bush was "smart". For the hell of it, here are some of the better things that "genius" said:

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." 

"I'm telling you there's an enemy that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." 

"One of the things important about history is to remember the true history."

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside 
this Oval Office."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning"?

More T.W.S.S...

AN: (whispering) "Hey...when do you want to do it"?
Me: "That's what she said".


SS: "I'm looking for a good one".
Me: "That's what she said".


Renee: "I had a hard morning".
Me: "That's what she said".


AN: "What is this"?
Me: "It's a piece of wood".
AN: "Why is it so big"?
Me: "That's what she said".

Are you sure about that?

How can you order something called a Soy Latte when "Latte" means 

milk and Soy is just beans crushed with water and salt?

Just wondering.

Side Effects May Include...

I was testing the speech-to-text app DragonDictation. I let the iPhone listen to a an online commercial for an anti-depressant called Latuda…I think Dragon has some more work to do on the accuracy of it... I added in some punctuation, but you know, I don't think it helped...

You struggling with depression?

Treatment options you hope you have been shown to be affected by depression which it is not baby!

Call your doctor if you have unusual changes in behavior to Susan. Antidepressants can increase the 17 dementia patients talking with you after either of these new designs of a life-threatening action or if I'm Chillable Mussen IBeacon Letscher Grisbi Mcboing today. 

Oh.

In some cases extreme lettuce can connect again… it's candy candy!

Changes in behaviors to prisons increases these to 17. Finnian evidence of patients taking the least restrictive person calling Dr. Peter Stiv Nathenson confusing and  kind of electric board controllable most of the public sugars. 

Replayable today and in some cases extreme that you can commit to come up with other risks including decreases in white blood cells which candidate dizziness upon standing, seizures, increased cholesterol weekend and increased Blacktown Pingtan Dirtsman Paternas Abley.

Don't drink grapefruit and grapefruit juice and take caution when driving operators, they are to treat bipolar depression since depression is right for you.

Say…do you smell something?

Con Edison New York Presents Gas Safety Tips

• Gas smells similar to rotten eggs. If you smell it, you could have a gas leak…or maybe you haven't cleaned the fridge is a long time and don't be rude, remember it ain't cool to blame the dog and then keep watching ESPN.

• If you suspect a leak, leave the area immediately, and take others with you. Remember the old safety song…He Who Smelt It Must Have Dealt It.*

• Don’t turn lights or appliances off or on, make phone calls, start a car, or spark lighters – doing so could cause gas to explode. Other things to avoid, burping a baby, engaging in weird sex positions, throwing away a half-eaten Big Mac and ordering coffee online from Amazon.com. And for the love of God, if you are on a website, don't click anywhere it says "Click Here".

• If the odor is faint, open a window before leaving. If the odor is making others faint, please lay off the Taco Bell.

• Once you're outside the potential blast zone, call 1-800-ESPLODE. HA! Get It?

• Your call can be anonymous. This is a weird tip…why would you want to remain anonymous? Is someone calling in prank gas leaks? I can't figure this one out.

• Don't assume someone else will report the smell. Maybe your neighbor hates you or maybe he is hard of smelling…that's a thing right? Like hard of hearing? Right? 

For more tips, Click Here. 

* Copyright 1935 Cole Porter.

"Doctor" Recommended...

I see these ads everyday in the free morning paper. This company has been selling various teas and pills not evaluated in any scientific way for years. They prey on the gullible and dim-witted and its a shame that some people would rather send their money to these charlatans rather than see a real doctor.

Much like the letters to Penthouse Magazine, these comments seem made up by someone at the company rather than by anyone who has gotten actual relief from their products.

The names and descriptions are from their website, my snarky comments in red. Also you'll notice the huge number of asterisks in the ads, thats because no medical professional would endorse any of these "products".

Constipation Relief Tea

Daily regularity is taken for granted by many people. However, depending on our diet, a high percentage should use a mild or temporary tea like this, to make sure that waste is moved out of the body as quickly as possible.

Testimonial

I wish I had found your remarkable tea sooner. I used to have trouble going to the bathroom on a regular schedule. After two weeks I'm shitting so often I barely have time to pull up my pants before I go again!

Hearing Health Supplement

Our supplement has been formulated for hearing support and with the purpose of keeping your hearing in check. It is formulated using a unique combination of vitamins, minerals, glandular extracts and bioflavonoids to help support normal hearing function, as well as to promote your body’s balanced aldosterone production. Production of aldosterone may diminish with age. So with this combination of natural ingredients, you’ll have the raw materials needed for your full hearing potential.*

Testimonial

What?!

Forza Sexual Wellness for Men 

As men age, there may be a gradual decrease in libido and overall sexual wellness . Some contributing factors include: stress, diet, hormonal changes, lack of exercise and many others common amongst men. Luckily, our experts have formulated Forza, which in Italian means strength, and if it's one group of people who know from chasing women, it's the Italians. 

Our exceptional herbal combination does not require a prescription, can be taken anytime, and is easy to use. Time waits on no man! So turn back the hands of time and stop dealing with low energy and low libido. Take hold of your lifestyle and manhood (wink) now with Forza!*

Testimonial

As a 98 year old stick figure in possession of a wrinkled ball sack that hangs so low, I can leave it on my nightstand while I sleep, I just wasn't ready to give up on lovin the ladies. Your pills are a god send, now in defiance of natural law, I can maintain an erection that terrifies everyone in the retirement home cafeteria…and the bedroom.

Bladder Control Tea

Urinary incontinence can be embarrassing and emotionally stressful, which can eventually lead to isolation and depression. There are over 20 million people in North America living with incontinence and every single one of them is in the bathroom right now.*

If you are one of those women and you managed to bring a phone with you into the bathroom, call us now and order! Mention this ad and get a free "Sometimes I pee when I laugh too hard". T-Shirt

Testimonial

I used to miss all the important family functions because I was tinkling every 15 minutes exactly. But no more thanks to your all-natural tea. This year Ill be front and center at my annual KKK Meeting, no problem.

PMS Symptoms Support

PMS symptoms vary from woman to woman, but they often include emotional symptoms like anxiety and irritability. Physical symptoms like fatigue, bloating, and discomfort are also likely to occur due to hormonal imbalance.*  Also the urge to curse at nuns, slap small children and order small collectible cat figurines from the internet.

Created with herbs used since ancient times as a women’s stress remedy. Also incorporates Jamaica Dogwood was used for feminine support. Feminine Support? You mean like underwear? As you can imagine, this herb is great for stress levels.*

Testimonial

Thank Jesus for Bell Pharmaceuticals! Every month I was this close to taking an ax to my husbands wang for making me watch Extreme Couponing marathons. I love a bargain as much as the next woman but every damn time they announced the final total Earl would clap and cheer and no one should have to endure that kind of stupid.

* These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. And thats because the FDA is an agency confronted with real legitimate tasks and doesn't have time to fritter away on the mess of stupidity that is homeopathy.These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.