Depends on how you look at it...

When Ava was about a year old,  I would wander around with her in my arms and say this non-sensical phrase "Chicken in a Pot, goes doo, doo, doo".

Ava thought it was "Chicken in a Butt".

So I drew her this handy diagram…

Chicken in a Pot.

Chicken in a Butt.

Look at Me!

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

- Frank Zappa

I know, I know...

I don't get it…People tell me Im not smart enough to understand how clever and creative fashion designers are. But it's not creative, they are certainly not clever and most obvious of all it's never original. 

Fashion Design like Interior Design is never like a bolt from the blue, its always a copy of a copy of a copy. Generally when you think they have done something wholly-original, you only need to trace back a little further in history and you will find where the idea was last used.

I realize it's my problem and I have to deal with it…

...no, wait…

…it's not my fuckin' problem at all. 

The problem is a small group of sycophants that honestly and truly believe that what they are doing is interesting or even remotely beneficial to anyone other than themselves while they make money off of an increasingly un-educated public that accepts and promotes something as stupid as this…

And this...

and of course, this...

Join me next time as we dissect one of these designs so we can try to truly understand what appears to be the fevered dream of a fashion lunatic.

Help us to help you...

I always hated seeing these ads in New York City. They are NOT in any way designed to make people comfortable. They are designed so that Con Edison can avoid dealing with higher loads on their systems and the fear of a blackout. It’s about them, not about you. In fact Con Edison would love it if you would just send them a hundred bucks a month but never use “their” electricity at all.

Summer is heating up, so try these energy-saving ideas 
to keep your cool and save money!

Buy a new ENERGY STAR room air conditioner. And never turn it on…ever.

Keep A/C filters clean so your system runs more efficiently. And you’re gonna have to do that fifteen or twenty-two times a day because in the summer the air in NYC is just chock full of pollution, car exhaust, bike messenger-sweat fumes and the ever-lovely stench of 3-day old garbage cooking on hot street corners.

When you set your thermostat, keep in mind that every degree you lower it increases costs by 6 percent. So no matter how hot it is, leave your thermostat at 94 degrees all summer long.

When the A/C is running, close doors to keep cool air in and hot air out. Also remember that water keeps coming out of the faucet when its turned on.

Keep shades and blinds shut to keep the sun out. But why stop there? Place duct tape around every available surface, cover the windows in tinfoil and place bets on whether you suffocate or bake to death first.

Add up your savings with our free online energy calculators. These tools will make it very clear that if you are willing to spend the summer on smelly perspiration-drenched sheets in a tiny apartment with one window that faces a brick wall and now stinks of takeout from Excellent Dumpling House you can save upwards of $26 a month.

Run ovens, washing machines, dryers, and dishwashers early in the morning or late at night. It will also help us out a lot if you don’t take showers, only eat takeout and use plastic dishes whenever possible.

Cook in the microwave or outside on the grill to keep your kitchen cool. Yep, no shortage of grills in the shoebox-sized crapholes that you typically rent in New York. Maybe you can break the lock on the roof door and go up there and cook on the asphalt roof, its gotta be what…200 degrees up there by mid-day, right?

Call our EnergyLine (1-800-609-4488) for information on heat stress and additional tips to save on summer energy bills. I didn’t have any heat stress until you started telling me how to save money.

If you have power problems, we need to know so we can start ignoring you immediately. Report outages and check service restoration status at www.coned.com except if you have no power then you can’t do that or by calling 1-800-75-CONED. Except we won’t answer the phone because we are too busy sitting in our air conditioned offices with the thermostat set to 52 degrees joking about all the ways we can make you 
guys save energy.

Gather round children...

...while old man Dave tells the story of how Naked Friday came to be...

While I was at my last company I was not allowed to take a full vacation. Instead I had to take a day here and there.

Because I live out where I do and have a pool, I began sending photos of myself floating in the water, drinking champagne to the studio staff to irritate them since they were at work.

Because I took the photos of myself it wasn't apparent if I was wearing a bathing suit or not...hence the name.

I proclaimed those days as the new holiday Naked Friday.

But much as I floated in the pool, I also floated the holiday....therefore we have Naked Tuesday, Naked Wednesday etc. Basically any day I am out of the office and enjoying the real world.

Weekends don't count as they are always Naked Days.

So now... thanks to me, there is a holiday that everyone is free to enjoy, you can even follow the deep and philosophical thoughts I have during those days off on this world-reknowned blog.

I hope this explains a little more of the dark and cluttered closet that is Dave.

Some notable people who celebrate Naked Fridays... Pope JohnPaul II, Martha Stewart, Lars Ulrich, Spider-Man, Tom Cruise, Joss Whedon, Ernie (but not Bert) and of course Jesus.

People can't be this stupid...or can they?

Every time I swear the dumbest lyrics ever have been written...someone manages to make a liar out of me...

Shush girl, shut your lips.

Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.

I said shush girl, shut your lips.

Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.

3OH!3 – Don’t Trust Me.

How can I hinder you today?

Hello and thank you for calling Amalgamated Ventilated Matriculated Inc., a wholly-owned subsidiary of DestructoCorp Defense Contractors, a division of Wal-Mart.

Para Espanol, marke numero ocho.
For Klingon or Vulcan, please hang up and continue living in your parents basement.

Your call is important to us and we may even let you speak to a real live person from this side of the planet but in order to do so please choose from the following 5 choices.

If you would like to place an order, Press 1.

If you want to check on the status of an order, Press 2.

If you are one of the unlucky few who purchased the "My First Atomic Death Engine" for your child, please hang up and begin typing up your Last Will + Testament.

If you are an unstoppable death machine cyborg from the year 2029, please hang up and dial 218.561.9816 and ask for John Connor.

If you would like to speak to a Customer Service Representative, Press 3.

You pressed 3.

CS: "Amalgamated Ventilated Matriculated Inc., this is Cathy. I hope to provide you outstanding service today because I am very sad and unskilled and this is the only job I could get so please don't hang up, I need to buy groceries this week, there's only so much cat food a human being can eat. How may I help you"?

Me: "uh…ummm, ok. My name is David Marchisotto and I recently purchased one of your toasters and it has, well I guess it's a manufacturing defect, there is no cord to plug it in. I would like to arrange for a replacement."

CS: "I see, Mr. Mooskatoon…I'm extremely distressed to hear of this issue and I desperately want to help you. Please bear with me while I research this problem". CLICK.

27 minutes on hold, listening to My Humps, by The Black Eyed Peas.

CS: "Mr Moolkisondo, I'm sorry but I don't handle returns on DVD Players so I'm going to have to transfer you".

Me: "Wait, it's a toaster, not a…". CLICK.

13 minutes on hold…no music.

CS: "HELLO AND WELCOME TO DESTRUCTOCORP! YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE THE ALMIGHTY MAINFRAME, OUR ENDLESS ARMIES OF CYBORG DEATH MACHINES WILL BURN THIS WORLD TO ASH! This is Michael, how may I help you"?

Me: cleaning shit stain off my office chair…"I.. I … I have a broken toaster I would like to have replaced".

CS: "Hold one second, I have to transfer you to small electronics. And as always, we know you have no choice when it comes to the world being destroyed by an army of weaponized cyborgs and we thank you for bowing down before us". CLICK.

8 minutes of Christmas music? Then a click, sounds like a man screaming "Run!" then 3 minutes of I Heard it Through the Grapevine by Marvin Gaye.

CS: "Thank you for calling, how many I assist you today?

Me: Oh thank God, a real human. Listen I am trying to return a broken toaster and I thin…"

CS: "Wrong department…please hold". CLICK.

Me: "Nooooooooooo"! 

My humps, My humps, My humps My humps…My lovely little lumps, check it out….

CS: "Hello and welcome to AVM, how can I help you today"?

Me: Uhhhhh…I have a broken toaster I need to return it".

CS: "OK, lets just get some information from you and we can set up an RMA number".

Me: "Oh Jesus!…oh thank you so much"!

CS: "First, you will need to choose from one of the following choices. If completed correctly, I can issue the RMA".

Me: "OK, easy enough, what are the choices"?

CS: "Great... 1. you must engage in and win a rap-battle with 50-Cent or 2. You must build a half-scale replica of St.Patricks Cathedral out of toothpicks in less than 30 minutes or 3. you must complete the maze without being captured and eaten by The Minotaur".

Me: "Uh, is this a joke"?

CS: "Oh, Im afraid not, sir. We really don't like doing returns".

Me: "I'll take The Minotaur".

I'll stick with my lottery tickets, thank you...

Always be careful exactly how you word your wishes because we have a friend who is knee-deep in cats right now…

...take a minute, you'll get it.

PLEASE READ…ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!!!!

This message has been sent to you for good luck. The original is in a filthy sealed trunk in the attic of a woman in Erie, Pennsylvania who forgot it was there.  It has been sent around the world 67 times. The luck has now been sent to you whether you like it or not. You will receive good luck within four days of receiving this message, 5 days if you live in a trailer park. You must send it on to people you know and in doing so prove them right when they secretly think you have a small brain.

   

THIS IS NO JOKE!

Send copies to people you think need good luck. Don't send money as fate has no price. Do not keep this message. This message must leave your hands in 96 hours.

A mechanic in Ohio received $470,000 Dollars but the police made him return it to the bank he stole it from.

In the Philippines, Gordon Weiss lost his wife 51 days after receiving the message. He failed to circulate the message. He then received Seven million dollars. So it sucks to be Mrs. Weiss, I guess.

   

Please send twenty copies and see what happen in four days. The chain comes from Venezuela and has written by Ernst DeSouza, a Missionary from Tupelo Mississippi. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to friends and associates - After a few days you will get a surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious….

Ivan D. Grossman was sure surprised when he came home early and found the cable guy "puttin' the shoes to his wife".

Earl Grubb received this chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later his secretary won a lottery of two million dollars. A few days later the secretary was dead and Earl had a new boat.

Dwayne Merkin, an office employee, received the message and forgot that it had to leave his hands in 96 hours. He lost his job, his dog, a whole bunch of vintage Playboys he was saving and his car got 3 flat tires on the same day. Later, after finding that message again, He mailed twenty copies. A few days later he found his dog.

Martin Fairchild received the message, realized it was a bunch or crap and threw it away with his junk mail. Nine days later, nothing happened to him at all.

In 1988, the message washed up on the beach in California in an old Coke bottle, a young woman grabbed it and dropped it in the recycling can. 10 minutes later, she stubbed her big toe.

A filthy hobo found the message stuck to the lid of a trash can in Seattle. He saved his change for days and made 20 copies. He was struck by a bike messenger on his way out of Kinkos.

Sylvia Bergen received the letter in 1946, it was folded and faded. She promised herself that she would retype the message and send it on, But she set it aside to do it later. She was struck dead sixty-seven years later at the age of 98. 

Philip Rollins laughed and tossed the letter out, 2 days later he ended up with the "Swamp Squirts" something awful.

Esther McGuinness made 20 copies and sent them out immediately. The next day Jesus came down and took everyone to Heaven except her.

GOOD LUCK!