Are we out of Frosted Flakes again?

For Ava's birthday we had taken her to American Girl, which for those of you who don't know is this insane parental nightmare of a place where you can spend more on a custom doll for your beloved child than some nations spend on defense for an entire year.

So we were at lunch…yes, they serve lunch for the birthday girls, how else are they going to get the last of your money? Don't be stupid.

On the table were a series of question cards…these were tailored for little girls of course but you've probably played the adult version: Taboo. Generally those cards are designed to challenge the other players (your soon-to-be former friends) by asking the sort of moral questions that show you what sort of douchebaggery they engage in when under the influence of tequila and meth.

But I digress...

Anyway, we are driving to school and Ava is reading from the cards (the children's version) I think…

Ava: "If you created a breakfast cereal, what would be the slogan"?

Me: Hmmm, I guess it would be a children's cereal".

Ava: "Yes"?

Me: "So it would be: "Eat my damn cereal or Ill beat your narrow little ass".

Ava: "I don't think I would eat that cereal".

Me: "You don't know what you're missing".

It's your word against mine...

Tuesday

Ava is on summer break, we are in the car heading home from lunch.

The radio is playing…Queen comes on. 

Oh you gonna take me home tonight.

Oh down beside that red fire light.

Oh you gonna let it hang out.

Fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round.

I look in the mirror to see Ava's face: suddenly, there is dawning comprehension…

Ava: "Oooohh. Im telling Mom"!

Me: "What? It's a great song".

Ava: "Im tellin Mom you made me listen to Big Fat Butts"!

Was that in the post-credits scene?

Sunday afternoon

I am doing dishes…

Ava comes in…

Ava: "I have a story to tell, its not very long so you won't even have to sit down".

I nod.

Ava: "One day there was a cute little lamb frolicking in a big field".
"And then a wolf came up"…

AND STABBED IT!

Me: "WHAT!... what the hell, man"!

Ava: "The End".

Does that come in a size 159?

If people wear Underwear…do cows wear Udderwear?

Just asking.

The signpost up ahead says...

Watch with joy and amazement as I attempt to alienate everyone I know, myself included in a single post… Hang on…

I think everyone has lofty ambitions when they leave college. Everything is new and the road is wide open.

But then you get to a job and things start to flatline, cause reality has a nasty way of creeping in and sometimes kicking you in the ass…

|||||||||

So... if you're a Marketing major you tell people that you want to help the right customers get the right product at the right price. And after a few weeks you realize that the right customer is anyone who won't hang up on you, the right product is whichever one your company sells and the right price is whatever amount you can convince someone to give you.

If you're an Art major, you have visions of gallery owners clamoring for your edgy work to be in their galleries. But after a few weeks you realize the the work you did in school was only edgy in the sense that everyone hates it and only job you can get is cleaning up after hours at a gallery and the owner is clamoring for you to unclog the toilet.

If you're a Business major you've spent 4 years studying theory and case studies and are one of the few people who actually understand what the Dow Jones does. Then after a few weeks you realize that every single successful business stays the hell away from theories and case studies and forges their own unique path which is why they are successful and you are a barista at Starbucks.

If you're an English Major, you're certain you have the next great novel in you, you know it's just a matter of time, time spent editing other people's books and slowly reducing your dreams until your best bet is to produce a children's book featuring an imbecile tree sloth and how he learns the meaning of Arbor Day or some crap. 

So you've majored in Philosophy and somehow despite all odds and defying common sense you have managed to convince yourself that it's a relevant major and a good way to earn a living. But after you graduate you find that no one will take you seriously except as the punchline to a joke and the only way you can consider yourself relevant is because if you aren't at work to hear the buzzer, then the fries will burn.

So you majored in Hospitality and tell anyone who will listen how crazy you are about hotels and resorts and generally finding any way possible to ensure that your clients have the best possible vacation they can. And after 6 months on a cruise ship cleaning up after kids who tear their diapers off in the pool and people who complain that there's not enough food even though it's available 24 hours a day, you realize that you have become very, very interested in the ships construction diagrams if only because you need to find the absolute perfect place to drill a hole and sink that cursed vessel.

If you're an Interior Designer, you can't wait to get into the real world so you can show how passionate you are about design and building a creative and original presence in the design field. And then after 8 months you realize that all interior design comes from stealing the ideas of designers before you, people who also ranted about creativity but were also just stealing ideas from the guys who came before them and so on and so on and so on until you get back to the first designer…a cavewoman named Oog who was searching all over the Paleolithic Era for a coffee table that went well with her sofa set.

So you made it thru design school, a full-fledged Graphic Designer… communicator of grand ideas and the ability to render complexity into simplicity and now you can't wait to get out there and start showing everyone what you can do. And 2 years later you've just finished doing the layout of your 23rd issue for a magazine called Filthy Babes in Pudding and you keep wondering if its possible to ever feel clean again.

Let me rephrase that...

Wednesday
Staff Meeting

Boss is talking about strategy.

Boss: "You know, I've heard that if you want to learn about technology, you should spend a few hours following around an 11 year old".

Silence.

Me: "I don't know about the rest of you but If I follow around an 11-year for a few hours theres an excellent chance I will be mistaken for a sexual predator. Maybe we could devise a strategy that has less chance of me ending up in prison".

Please…just, stop.

So Jeggings are popular…at least for the next 20 minutes or so and apparently because there is just an ungodly huge market out there for men thats just been discovered... 2 guys in Chicago have decided to try and make some cash on it.

Enter the Meggings Man Clothing Co. 

Run by 2 dudes who would not look out of place in Williamsburg trying to convince people to buy their Cinnamon/Bacon/Asparagus/Tuna Craft Beers.

I honestly cannot believe there is a market for these pants and thats not just because it would take 3 assistants, a jumbo sized bucket of I Can't Believe Its Not Butter, a couple of blood thinners and a team of Clydesdales to get me into a pair.

Here we go…

 I'm not sure why one of the legs is rolled up. In NY the only people who do this 

are bike messengers. But on the plus side, the color makes sure he is visible with 

the naked eye from Mars.

I like to call this one the "Hello Ladies (or Men)". Sexy, right?, who wouldn't 

be turned on by his 15-year old girls physique or a face that at best is 7 or 8 years 

away from producing a mustache. I get all squishy just thinking about him.

Look at him, don't turn away. This "man" exudes confidence from his every pore. 

He is literally flooded with the thick, patriotic gravy that makes this country great.

 Pants...so…shiny...must…wear...shades...

I picked this one to show you that no one, other than Spider-Man should wear 

pants this tight. Also, I thought the hat was just too cool.

I also included these if only because I didn't know what they were. 

If Jeggings are Jeans crossed with Leggings and Meggings are …I don't know Men, 

crossed with Jeggings…then it follows that these must be Jeggings crossed with Men, crossed with Shorts…

So...Shmeggings?

And if after all this, you still are considering buying these, here is what an 

average person looks like wearing them…

That's right…Conan O'Brien…and if he can't make these look cool, 

then forget it…it just ain't happening.