If it's not too much trouble...

Too much rum?

I've never done a post on a vacation before. To be honest before a few years ago, I had not really "done" vacations. Recently we had an opportunity (that would come back to haunt us years later) to go to a first class resort.

So I'll take you through our family vacation/wedding from start to finish. It promises to be long winded and very detailed and if I'm really lucky, it may even be entertaining in some fashion.

Ok…alright…here we go...

So... I hate to fly. And it doesn't help that Ava insists on studying the safety information card. Why don't they call that what it is? "Information you should have listened to when you sat down and now you desperately need it because the plane is about to land on water where it clearly cannot".

Anyway, Im trying to ignore her and reading SkyMall Magazine (the catalog for people whose IQ's drop when they board an aircraft).

Me: (reading quietly and trying not to think about how anything as big and heavy as this plane could possibly stay in the air without the help of the Hand of God.)

Ava: Daddy, can the plane really land in water?

Me: I don't want to talk about it.

Ava: Dad-eee, c'mon…what are these floating things?

Me: I don't want to talk about t.

Ava: Are you scared?

Me: No way…Im all man!

Ava: ?

Me: The floating things are slides that open automatically from the emergency exits to let us all get out safely, we slide down them, it would be fun. See Im not scared.

Ava thinks about this and I go back to the catalog…page 34: The Make a Beret for your Dog Kit. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ava getting ready to ask another question, I contemplate hiding in the bathroom until we take off.

Ava: So…do you know where the emergency exits are?

Me: (Hesitantly): Yes I do... now let Daddy rest or he is going to hyperventilate.

Ava: Do you want a bag to breathe into?

Me: (looking at her funny because Im sure she got that from some tv show)…No,thank you.

Ava: (she points) There's an emergency exit…we're pretty close.

Me: That's great because I think I need to use it right now.

Ava: You need to relax.

Me: ?

So I hate flying and I hate traveling for really long periods of time. Soooo, you can imagine how thrilled I was at the prospect of driving an hour to a hotel in Philadelphia, staying overnight, getting up at 4am, taking a shuttle to the airport, going to bag-check, going thru security, flying to Puerto Rico, walking 18 gates, going thru security, hanging out at Cinnabon, taking a puddle jumper to Tortola and then a van to the docks and then a boat to the resort.

Whew…it was 13 hours start to finish. The only consolation is that if it wasn't difficult to get to the British Virgin Islands…then I guess everyone would go there.

That's right, after 10 days of being brought drinks on the beach, food at my beck and call, massages and someone making my bed, I have become a huge snob. I no longer care to mix with the great unwashed. I can't...

I won't.

So after the aforementioned travel from hell..a trip only to be surpassed in length by our travel home (let's not think about that now), we found ourselves boarding a small private yacht to take us to the Little Dix Bay Resort. Some sort of tropical rum punch drink was handed out to us…I think it was called something quaint like a Yowza? a Wahoo? Maybe it was a Caribbean Concussion?…something like that.

We finally start to relax…well not all of us...Ava is of course bouncing around like a lab monkey on meth.

As we enjoyed our drink, we noticed that the skies were darkening. Now at this point I wasn't completely spoiled yet so I didn't turn my nose to the sky and say something Thurston Howell the Thirdish like, "Clouds? On my vacation?…How pedestrian".

Instead I thought…"It's the Caribbean, clouds pass through all the time and then the sun is back like 10 minutes later.

The Caribbean should never look like this.

Now some of you may have gotten that Gilligan's Island reference above…but here comes another, more accurate one. If you've seen the start of that show, you remember the song goes "The weather starting getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed"…and then they show a really crappy model boat (clearly being filmed in a bathtub) being slapped around by waves.

And that's exactly what happened next.

So we are speeding along and the waves are getting higher. My father (who cannot swim by the way) and I are on the back of the boat under a canvas tarpaulin, we are taking turns swinging from the metal frame…cause that's what stupid people do, I guess. The mild salty sea spray that was moments earlier gently kissing our cheeks is now a torrent of cold cobalt blue seawater just slapping the shit out of our faces.

Since we know almost nothing about ocean storms and apparently judging from the photos, even less about knowing when to actually worry, we are laughing hysterically and smiling like two people on leave from a mental institution and looking back I have no idea what the fuck we were thinking.

At one point, one of the crew climbed up to the deck to check on the captain who I expect was less interested in piloting the boat and more likely on his knees, hands clasped in prayer desperately trying to get through to Jesus.

Visibility was about four feet and I'm not sure but at one point I thought I saw the Kraken. I could have been wrong.

We finally pull into the bay, ease up to the dock where some of the staff have been waiting to take us and our bags to our rooms. As I get off, one of them offers me an umbrella. I wave him off as I could not have been wetter had I actually fallen into the ocean.

We are taken to our room. Beautiful design, great shower, big beds. We all change and order room service and then promptly pass out by 8pm.

As I fall asleep I'm thinking about what the staff member said…about how it rained all the previous week and the type of storm we just came through has not been seen for 20 years on these islands and now I'm worried that we will spend our week sitting under an umbrella drinking drinks with umbrellas in them…and crying.

The Next Day

I am awakened by the sound of gentle tapping on the front door. At first I think its the staff coming by to bring us breakfast in bed…then the Native New Yorker part of my brain kicks in and I realize it can only be a chainsaw-wielding maniac come to kill me.

A second later and … COCK A DOODLE DOO!

It turns out it was neither, this island it seems is festooned with chickens and roosters. They are all over the place and for the next week or so they'll be nature's alarm clock which is cute for the first few two days but eventually brings one to thoughts of making Coq Au Vin.

I get up and the first thing I do is open the curtains. I breathe a sigh of relief. It's early but it looks like it will be a great day.

And I was right.

18 degrees 27' 35" north   64 degrees 25' 57" west

Ava wanted to go out and walk around so we left Renee in the room and walked down the beach. Little Dix Bay is small. It's a bay protected from the ocean by a reef that is only open at the far left hand side where the boats come in. You can walk from one end to the other in about 20 minutes. 

So we wandered around the beach. Few people were up and it was quiet except for the birds and the sound of the surf.

The entire resort is one level, that is, there are no 2-story structures and each room has its own patio and beach front hut with lounges. Two dozen steps from your room and you are at the beach.

Time for breakfast... Just down from our room is the Pavillion, made up of multiple steepled open-walled structures, it serves as the main dining area. Unlike other resorts which have a half dozen restaurants, the majority of eating is done here or at the signature restaurant, The Sugar Mill.

So we sat down to suffer through breakfast, a terrible event full of custom-made omelets, fresh fruit, waffles, french toast, good coffee, cheeses, oatmeal and more. I don't know how I was able to get through it all, day after day.

Eventually, we made our way from the table to the room to begin the 35-minute process of getting Ava "sun-ready". By that I mean I must coat her (as per Renee's explicit instructions) in no less than a two-inch thick layer of sun-screen. I opt for no sunscreen because I am crazy and desperately want to feel the sun the way I haven't for the past 4 months.

I will, of course get more than I bargained for.

Ironically Ava is able to go straight into being tan without sunscreen but I learned a long time ago (6 years to be exact) just how much shit Renee will put up with in regards to our kid before she slaps me repeatedly about the face and neck.

To the Beach

Again, it was simply horrible…the accommodations, the view, the staff…it just was so bad. As evidenced by these un-retouched photos…

So we spent the day snorkeling, lounging, chasing fish and sea turtles, Ava collecting an estimated 12,781 shells and pieces of coral…every single one of which was extremely important and needed to be taken home.

And… can I take a moment here…I realize that I am a 45-year old fogey but I really like building sand castles. Unfortunately ,Ava simply cannot be trusted around them.

Pop and I spent a bit of time constructing a tower surrounded by a moat and some barrier walls to protect against the encroaching tide…pretty cool stuff but then Armaggedon showed up in this form…

Unlike Godzilla, she is cute…Much like Godzilla she only came to destroy.

So once the dust cleared and we finished crying over the wreckage, we gave up and consoled ourselves by drinking and lounging by the water…it's tough but someone had to do it.

Sand castle building and destruction repeated itself almost every single day, culminating in this verbal exchange…

Ava: That doesn't look good.

Grandfather: Young lady, you do know that I am architect, correct?

Ava: I still don't think you know what you are doing".

Sunset Cruise.

So we took a sunset cruise…I don't like that term, its sounds like the last time a 95 year old gets into a Cadillac.

Wait for it.

We had a chance to go around all the islands, went by The Baths, saw tons of yachts including one so large it had a helicopter on top of it. I guess for those times when you need to send out for Dominos and you just can't wait. 

We also came across this… it's NAKEDMAN!

Ava: "why is his ass is so white"?

Me: I…don't…know".

Ava took this picture of her grandfather. Ava thought he conveyed the look of a Captain.

This photo says: "I am on watch for pirates and potential attack by savage sharks".

Then I saw this picture.

This photo says "They didn't tighten the straps on my straightjacket too well".

Just at sunset we stopped the boat so we could take some pics.

Next Day…

… or a few days later, to be honest it was the first time in my life where I literally didn't know what day it was. Which going forward is the very way I define being on vacation.

Speaking of what happens when you don't wear sunscreen, here is a picture of my father, aka LobsterMan emerging from the sea.

At this point I'd like to mention Jimmy, he was our waiter on the beach. He took care of us spectacularly the entire time he was there. Always nearby, always quick to make sure we were taken care of. 

Jimmy: What can I get you gentlemen?

Pop: Sapphire and Tonic and keep em coming, Im getting married in a few hours.

Me: Well, not too many, I need him to be able to get to the wedding…hopefully with pants on.

Jimmy: Here's what I'll do, I'm working the restaurant this afternoon, if he's still drunk, come find me, we'll get him dressed and I'll help you carry him to the garden for the ceremony.

Me: Great, you know Jimmy this almost makes up for you thinking he and I were brothers.

Jimmy: Well I only meant that he looked so young, you must be brothers.

Me: Smooth….very smooth.

The Massage

So Renee scheduled me a massage which I said I didn't need but that just proved how stupid I am.  Sense Spa was amazing, the massage therapist, Widi did an amazing job of fixing the constant ache at the base of my spine that comes from sitting in the office so much only exerting myself to reach for a new pack of Skittles.

So there I was face down, just starting to relax when it started…the kneading.

There was rough kneading of my buttocks…so, so, so much kneading of the buttocks.

Afterwards, I was led out to what just may be one of man's greatest inventions and I cannot stress this enough...

Naked Outdoor Shower!

Best…shower…ever!

The Hike

After my massage, I thought: Here I am completely relaxed, my back feels great, I could just float away on feelings of Pure Zen so why don't I do something completely stupid like hike the trail behind the spa and why don't I do it in flip flops, the professional hiker's choice in footwear?

I wanted to get to the top of the island and get some pics of the resort. The trail was quiet, loaded with land crabs and snails and tons and tons of lizards and iguanas.
The trail is only a half mile long but when you don't know how far you've gone or how much more there is, you keep telling yourself the top is just over the next hill.

Well, it wasn't…and it wasn't after the next hill either, or the one after that and so on. I started having thoughts of someone finding my body, dehydrated and filthy, camera in one hand and a family of lizards camping on my face.

But I made it.

Climbing the trail was the first stupid thing I did that day, the second was taking this photo. In order to get it, I had to take off my shoes, stand on some smooth lava boulders in high wind with my camera over my head hoping I didn't get blown half way down the mountain through a field of this...

Needless to say I didn't fall or break my ankles and my face was not molested by any lizards, and I finally made my way back to my room. Then down to the beach to have another rum drink…The Lookout! or The Blindspot…oh wait, it was The Painkiller…and fresh Grouper Tacos with Chipotle mayo...good stuff.

The Wedding.

I'm editing this last portion in 2017, anyone reading this will understand 

why I pulled bunch of photos from this post...

No need to write much, Ill let the photos speak for themselves…

As an added bonus here is Ava in her flower-girl headband.

And me in the same headband…who looks prettier?

I think we all know the answer to that.

The Final Frontier...

Evay: (emailing to me and Rick) "Some time this morning between 9 and 11 there was a crash on I-78 West at the Delaware River, and they shut down 78 entirely at Exit 3". 

Me: "If they are still diverting off at Exit 3, there isn’t much we can do, we cant get around it".

Rick: "YOU can't  do anything about it. I, on the other hand, will be taking my personal helicopter, fueled by my stunning personality and god-like features".

Me: I thought your helicopter was fueled by your overwhelming sense of delusion… 
...but then I realized if that was the case, you could get to Jupiter in 20 minutes.

I don't know what to say...

Oklahoma man charged with 'atomic wedgie' murder of stepfather.

(Reuters) - A 33-year-old Oklahoma man has been charged with killing his stepfather by giving him an "atomic wedgie," that caused the victim to suffocate on his own underwear.

Brad Lee Davis was charged with murder in the death of 58-year-old Denver St. Clair in a drunken family fight at a residence just east of Oklahoma City, the Pottawatomie County Sheriff's Office said in an arrest affidavit obtained on Wednesday.

Police arrested Davis on Tuesday. The affidavit said he "grabbed St. Clair's underwear and gave him an 'atomic wedgie.' Davis allegedly pulled the elastic waistband of St. Clair's underwear over his head and around his neck."

Oklahoma Medical Examiner spokeswoman Amy Elliott said the cause of death was asphyxiation and blunt force trauma.

Pottawatomie County Sheriff Deputy Travis Palmer said Davis and St. Clair were drinking beer on the night of December 21 at the older man's residence when St. Clair began speaking ill about his wife, who is Davis' mother.

Investigators said St. Clair's elastic waistband was stretched over his head and that it left ligature marks around his neck. 

Davis was being held in Pottawatomie County without bond. His lawyer was not immediately available for comment.

It's all fun and games until someone gets strangled by their own underwear.

I have an idea!

I guess this answers the age old adage…

How many producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The answer is five, four to help create a song for simpletons 
and one to actually screw in the lightbulb.

We're Number One!

When I hear critics say that the USA is in a rut, that we are on the decline, that we don't do anything better than anyone else anymore.

I have to laugh..because of this package I just got…

This box arrived from Amazon. It's hard to tell but it takes up more than half of my kitchen island…the box is in fact two feet long.

Inside, it was packed to the top with these air packets that have become so popular lately. At this point I was crazy excited. What could warrant this size box AND such intense packaging? 

Was it a Faberge egg collection from some long-lost rich relation? A six-pack of crystal hamsters…could it be that I finally got the one-of-a-kind authenticated set of the original Superman, George Reeves' dentures?

Nope…its a single fuckin' gift card.

I'm gonna need a lot more ketchup...

Laying in a hotel room, waiting to head to the airport.

A McDonalds commercial comes on. A hip young black urban couple are getting ready to go to work. They are smartly dressed and attractive. 

The man appears and from behind his back he draws out a bag from McDonalds.

She smiles.

The bag is clean, white and crisply folded over. We can tell that hot, tasty treasures are within.

And sure enough, he opens it up. He unfolds the well-wrapped and carefully packaged goodies.

It's a pair of breakfast burritos…Yay! Fluffy eggs, crispy bacon, red and green peppers sautéed only moments ago have been gently laid into a soft doughy tortilla.

They eat together and exchange knowing glances..all is good with the world today.

Thanks to McDonalds.

So, what I want to know is, how come when I order the exact same thing the bag it comes in is stained and greasy, the food appears to have been wrapped by someone who doesn't have a even number of fingers and my burrito looks and tastes like a old sweat sock full of aquarium gravel and Elmer's glue?

Where the buses don't run...

So the other morning I get on the bus. It's 5:40 am and the bus starts some place in Pennsylvania before it gets to me.

I don't know much but whatever that place is, it seems like it's the result of a genetic disaster of some kind.

No matter what time of day, the incessant parade of unwed mothers with loud dirty children, drunk construction workers and generally low-rent, low-IQ pinheads goes on unabated.

Anyway the bus is pretty packed, there are 2 or 3 seats, I think but I see the bench at the back has only 1 person on it.

I have no idea what is coming next.

I make my way back, there is a small ugly troll stretched out over the 3 seats.

This will eventually, to my surprise be revealed to be an actual human being...

...albeit from a family tree that consists of a single, very long branch...

…I'll give you a minute.

I tap it's shoe lightly, no response. I do it again, no response.

I've been riding buses and subways in New York City since I was 7. I know when someone is screwing with me.

I tap one last time harder on the tip of her shoe.

And ladies and gentlemen…treasured beauty doth blossomed forth as if struck from a stanza by Shakespeare himself.

Aaaaaah don't touch me, you don't touch me ever! I'll call the state police.
My husband would go crazy if he knew someone touched me!

One of my asides if I might...

I am at best an average looking person, no one is so overcome with animal lust that they need to paw at me (except for my wife, I guess) so if someone tapped me on the shoulder my first thought wouldn't be:  Oh lord here's yet another one of those amorous fans out to touch the Dave's goods.

But this thing... this grumpy wrinkled thing that looked like what might happen if Courtney Love and the muppet Sweetums had a child...this Hobbit if you will...felt the need to tell me that her husband wouldn't like it if I touched her…

... And all I could think was "surely every day that man gets up and prays to some god that not only will someone touch her but maybe just maybe that good person will leave her somewhere in a distant shallow grave".

Anyway... Gollum swings her legs over so I can sit down. I put in my headphones and start to watch a TV show.

And if you think that this is over and she was done then no offense but you are an idiot.

So, now I'm watching the TV show Castle. Rick and Kate are having sexy witty repartee but I can't hear it because the troll is talking...

I dont understand there are other seats. Why dont you sit over there next to that man?

Why dont you sit next to that woman over there?

Ohhhhh... you are going to ignore me?

I am 69 years old, I have 6 children and 11 grandchildren.

Now that one freaked me out because there must have been a fair amount of sex for her to wind up with 6 children but the second the thought was in my head, I pictured her in lingerie at the end of a bed doing her best come hither look which I imagine looked something like this:

Needless to say I was temporarily blinded by the image.

I recovered shortly thereafter and she was still talking. I missed most of it but I'm sure it was something like this:

You can sit somewhere else. I need these seats.I'm sick.

Are you listening to me I am 69 years old.

I killed JFK. 

The pope isn't real.

11 grandchildren do you hear me?

Obama Care won't work and I love saltines.

SIX CHILDREN… I SAID!

Aaaaaaaahhhh! Aaaaah!

I have a cane don't you see my cane? I have a disabled pass. Can't you see I am disabled!

I took off my headphones.

I said "I have to be honest, you do appear to be disabled, it's just that right now it's a toss up between mental and physical".

I have a cane and look at my pass! LOOK AT IT!

I did…around her neck she had the handicapped tag that you hang from a rear view mirror in a car.

Unfortunately this appeared to give credibility to her being disabled…mentally.

At this point I realized I could not win. One cannot engage in a game of wits if ones opponent is a half wit.

So I got up and fumbled thru the dark moving bus until I found another seat.

And then I went back to my TV show.

The End.