We're Number One!

When I hear critics say that the USA is in a rut, that we are on the decline, that we don't do anything better than anyone else anymore.

I have to laugh..because of this package I just got…

This box arrived from Amazon. It's hard to tell but it takes up more than half of my kitchen island…the box is in fact two feet long.

Inside, it was packed to the top with these air packets that have become so popular lately. At this point I was crazy excited. What could warrant this size box AND such intense packaging? 

Was it a Faberge egg collection from some long-lost rich relation? A six-pack of crystal hamsters…could it be that I finally got the one-of-a-kind authenticated set of the original Superman, George Reeves' dentures?

Nope…its a single fuckin' gift card.

I'm gonna need a lot more ketchup...

Laying in a hotel room, waiting to head to the airport.

A McDonalds commercial comes on. A hip young black urban couple are getting ready to go to work. They are smartly dressed and attractive. 

The man appears and from behind his back he draws out a bag from McDonalds.

She smiles.

The bag is clean, white and crisply folded over. We can tell that hot, tasty treasures are within.

And sure enough, he opens it up. He unfolds the well-wrapped and carefully packaged goodies.

It's a pair of breakfast burritos…Yay! Fluffy eggs, crispy bacon, red and green peppers sautéed only moments ago have been gently laid into a soft doughy tortilla.

They eat together and exchange knowing glances..all is good with the world today.

Thanks to McDonalds.

So, what I want to know is, how come when I order the exact same thing the bag it comes in is stained and greasy, the food appears to have been wrapped by someone who doesn't have a even number of fingers and my burrito looks and tastes like a old sweat sock full of aquarium gravel and Elmer's glue?

Where the buses don't run...

So the other morning I get on the bus. It's 5:40 am and the bus starts some place in Pennsylvania before it gets to me.

I don't know much but whatever that place is, it seems like it's the result of a genetic disaster of some kind.

No matter what time of day, the incessant parade of unwed mothers with loud dirty children, drunk construction workers and generally low-rent, low-IQ pinheads goes on unabated.

Anyway the bus is pretty packed, there are 2 or 3 seats, I think but I see the bench at the back has only 1 person on it.

I have no idea what is coming next.

I make my way back, there is a small ugly troll stretched out over the 3 seats.

This will eventually, to my surprise be revealed to be an actual human being...

...albeit from a family tree that consists of a single, very long branch...

…I'll give you a minute.

I tap it's shoe lightly, no response. I do it again, no response.

I've been riding buses and subways in New York City since I was 7. I know when someone is screwing with me.

I tap one last time harder on the tip of her shoe.

And ladies and gentlemen…treasured beauty doth blossomed forth as if struck from a stanza by Shakespeare himself.

Aaaaaah don't touch me, you don't touch me ever! I'll call the state police.
My husband would go crazy if he knew someone touched me!

One of my asides if I might...

I am at best an average looking person, no one is so overcome with animal lust that they need to paw at me (except for my wife, I guess) so if someone tapped me on the shoulder my first thought wouldn't be:  Oh lord here's yet another one of those amorous fans out to touch the Dave's goods.

But this thing... this grumpy wrinkled thing that looked like what might happen if Courtney Love and the muppet Sweetums had a child...this Hobbit if you will...felt the need to tell me that her husband wouldn't like it if I touched her…

... And all I could think was "surely every day that man gets up and prays to some god that not only will someone touch her but maybe just maybe that good person will leave her somewhere in a distant shallow grave".

Anyway... Gollum swings her legs over so I can sit down. I put in my headphones and start to watch a TV show.

And if you think that this is over and she was done then no offense but you are an idiot.

So, now I'm watching the TV show Castle. Rick and Kate are having sexy witty repartee but I can't hear it because the troll is talking...

I dont understand there are other seats. Why dont you sit over there next to that man?

Why dont you sit next to that woman over there?

Ohhhhh... you are going to ignore me?

I am 69 years old, I have 6 children and 11 grandchildren.

Now that one freaked me out because there must have been a fair amount of sex for her to wind up with 6 children but the second the thought was in my head, I pictured her in lingerie at the end of a bed doing her best come hither look which I imagine looked something like this:

Needless to say I was temporarily blinded by the image.

I recovered shortly thereafter and she was still talking. I missed most of it but I'm sure it was something like this:

You can sit somewhere else. I need these seats.I'm sick.

Are you listening to me I am 69 years old.

I killed JFK. 

The pope isn't real.

11 grandchildren do you hear me?

Obama Care won't work and I love saltines.

SIX CHILDREN… I SAID!

Aaaaaaaahhhh! Aaaaah!

I have a cane don't you see my cane? I have a disabled pass. Can't you see I am disabled!

I took off my headphones.

I said "I have to be honest, you do appear to be disabled, it's just that right now it's a toss up between mental and physical".

I have a cane and look at my pass! LOOK AT IT!

I did…around her neck she had the handicapped tag that you hang from a rear view mirror in a car.

Unfortunately this appeared to give credibility to her being disabled…mentally.

At this point I realized I could not win. One cannot engage in a game of wits if ones opponent is a half wit.

So I got up and fumbled thru the dark moving bus until I found another seat.

And then I went back to my TV show.

The End.

Weren't we in love once?

Phone Rings

Me: Hello?

Glenn: Mr. Marchisotto, this is Glenn from GlobalContinentalUniversal Cable. As you may have heard we have recently purchased your previous cable company Phil's Super Deluxe Cable and DSL Inc.

Me:  Ummm…

Glenn: I completely understand Mr. Marchisotto but rest assured we are not planning on changing a thing with your service. Even though we now control all of the cable TV service within a 5000 mile radius, our only goal is to provide you with outstanding service featuring the best shows from the best providers…all while making a tremendous, almost obscene profit. HAHA.

Me:  Uhhhh..

Glenn: Of course, I know exactly how you feel, so let me just take a moment to go over your current package and let you know what we offer that will enhance your viewing experience… Let's see here…

Your account says you have the Platinum Premium Package with the following shows: Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, Game of Thrones, Breaking Good, Dexter, Weeds, Homeland, Homework, The Wire, Breaking Even, 17 versions of MTV, none of which have music on them and of course 166 different versions of ESPN including that one channel from Sumatra that plays the same soccer match from 1978 over and over again.

Me:  Im pretty sure there is no show called Breaking Good".

Glenn: I understand your confusion, nevertheless, lets move on... having reviewed your account, Im pretty sure we can offer you some options or rather upgrades that will provide you with such entertainment excellence that you will be rendered near catatonic simply from touching your remote control.

Me: …but I don't think...

Glenn: Of course you do, don't be silly. In any case, Dave…may I call you Dave? I feel that I've really gotten to truly know you in the past 4 minutes and due to the close personal nature of our relationship I feel I can make the following suggestions that are tailored to your viewing habits.

Me: But, you don-

Glenn: I agree. So here is what I think:. I can get you all of the same channels you have now including the ones I clearly just made up PLUS I will get you every local channel on the planet PLUS you get True Blood on HBO with all the nudity cut out so I don't know why you would watch that BUT you can have BBCNews that has been dubbed in Serbian and you'll also qualify for several new channels that have only come online since we started this phone call…one that just shows reruns of Sanford + Son 24 hours a day, another that only plays mystery movies but cuts out at the end just as they reveal the murderer's identity and another channel that just covers that stupid sport where the guys push brooms on ice to move a disc of stone…skorfing, scuffing, snuffing….korking.

Me:  Curling

Glenn: Sure, why not?

Me:  It's actually quite exciting, I've been following it for years and I-

Glenn: Sorry that channel has just been cancelled.

Me:  Wha?

Glenn: And if you are willing to sign a 50-year contract right now, I can also add in the Numismatic Channel, The Ultimate Philatelic Network and of course CHKN…the Chicken Molesters Channel.

Me:  Wait…thats not real, is it?

Glenn: Of course it is and don't be naive… and if you sign up for the SuperUltraGalactic package we will fly the cast of Glee to your home and have them dance on your lawn once a week. Provided that show is still on the air. How does all that sound?

Me: Expensive.

Glenn: Don't be silly Dave…you can have the whole package for a steal…it's only $12,998 per month.

Me:  Are you insane, I can't afford that!

Glenn: Dave…Dave…man, I thought you weren't all about the money…what happened to us, dude?

Me: I don't know…I guess we just grew apart.

Click

Nary a hair out of place...

I hate these kind of magazines. They treat women like they're dim and unsophisticated.
Don't get me wrong there are lots of women who are dim and unsophisticated…just watch any video of Sarah Palin.

But I digress…in general these magazines haven't changed at all in 30 years. They're all about telling women they have no value unless they are attached to a man and that the only way to get that man is to change everything about themselves except for maybe their DNA.

Well… I could be wrong on that last one, I think I'd need to see an issue of Cosmopolitan from 2028.

click to read...

And a child shall lead them...

Sophia in my office suggested that I try this new show she has been watching called Extreme Cheapskates.

And I think if I live to be 3,000 years old, I will never forgive her.

I'd like to think as a native New Yorker that I am pretty jaded and it just aint easy to shock me anymore. After all I have had the (mis)fortune of living during the era of Jersey Shore, Miley Cyrus, George Bush, the rise of the freegan and (worse) the hipster, jeggings and whatever the hell it is that is currently masquerading as Donald Trumps hair. 

So imagine my surprise when I spent the next 42 minutes with a look on my face that was like this:

Only somehow worse.

In any case, we try the show. On it we get to see first hand the unique and fascinating individuals who have made saving money into far more than an art form…it has in fact become, for them…a mental illness.

I understand coupons, looking for cheap gas, shopping for bargains and not eating out all in the name of living frugally and within one's means.

This is not that.

On the first show we meet a guy who stops at other people's tables at a local buffet and when he feels they are done eating, he asks for their leftovers. 

He scoops all of it into the same styrofoam container. Chips, salsa, guacamole, chicken, meatballs, sauce, pasta…and I imagine the occasional kleenex or maybe even a loose tooth.

Some of his other savings ideas…feel free to use them yourselves…if you no longer have an urge to consider yourself a normal human being:

1. He buys 2-ply toilet paper and separate the plys to make 2 separate rolls.

2. He goes into stores and asks for ketchup packets, then empties them one at a time into an old ketchup bottle he has used for years.

3. He digs a flower out of a dumpster and gives it to his wife on their 25th wedding anniversary along with (I am not making this up) a box of animal crackers, a bottle of water and a rubber toy demon head thats eyes bulge out when you squeeze it.

Anyway we watch the second show and on that one we meet a couple and their 6 kids, the episode starts well, the couple talks about reducing over $80,000 in credit card debt and then it takes a turn for Weirdtown…population 8.

They won't buy toilet paper, she cuts up cloth rags and leaves a pile in the bathroom. This means at any given time there is a bucket full of rags covered in the random poop of 8 people.

If I crashed a plane into the Amazon Jungle and my only possession was the hair on my head, I could still be more sanitary than this.

Then they invite friends over to dinner: pizza made with expired sauce and expired cheese and a bunch of weeds they pulled from a nearby lot that they turned into a salad.

I can't tell you how thrilled their friends looked.

So then we watched a third episode cause... who doesn't slow down for the accident on the side of the road. 

Half way through the 4th show, Ava stands up an announces: "I hate all of these people"!

And that's when I knew we had seen too much.

Does this taste funny to you?

click image to embiggen!