After much research and tireless (there's a pun in there, I guess) effort. I have come up with a way to make Nascar interesting to almost everyone, make zillions of dollars for the owners and the network and create jobs for thousands of people.

By research, I mean I glanced at the TV for a few minutes.

By tireless effort, I mean I came up with the idea while eating nachos at Applebees.

And here it is…

As I have been told over and over by loud mouth jerks wearing flannel shirts with the sleeves cut off….people don't go to watch the cars go around in circles (although that seems to be the sort of thing that would entertain these idiots just fine)… they go to wait for the inevitable crashes and they hope, a death or two.

So if thats true, then why not open the sport to audience participation? Thats right…I mean to suggest that you take a "sport" where cars are traveling in excess of 200 mph and add in the extremely unpredictable behavior of imbeciles who live in homes on wheels and think that drinking 6 beers at 8am on a weekday is a perfectly acceptable breakfast.

Strap in, cause here it is...

In the center of the race track, you sell premium tickets to the dumbest, reality show-watching imbeciles you can find. Then you set up a series of stands that sell all sorts of objects.

At those stands the fans can buy an object and throw it on to the track during the race and watch as the hilarity ensues.

So for instance…

Tennis Ball - $2.00

Eggs, dozen - $3.50

Half-Full Paint Can with no lid - $5.00

Miss Piggy Muppet Puppet - 6.00

Ziploc full of assorted pork parts - 7.50

Balloon full of motor oil - $10.00

Bucket of 1000 SuperBalls - 12.50

Garbage pail full of Slinkys - 17.75

Six Pack of Assorted sized used diapers - 21.50

Small Flock of live geese - $25.00

Torn pillowcase full of hammers - $50.00

Live hobo dressed as Superman - $100.00

The possibilities are literally endless…and no more cruel than having to sit through 500 laps of pinheads racing around wasting gas.

I know what you're thinking…my god, people will die. Well people die at this "sport" all the time. The only difference is that it's usually from a random accident so unfortunately there's never a guarantee that it will happen at every race. 

Now we can make sure the masses are entertained AND everyone gets paid.

ESPN will go for it, the fans will love it and because theres no shortage of stupid people in the world, you'll never run out of new drivers.

This truly is the win-win scenario everyone is always talking about.

Bill Gates, I'll see you in hell!

7:05am: I push the power button on the front of my PC.

7:08am: I push the power button on the front of my PC.

7:09am: I get coffee. While it brews I think of all the horrible things I could do to a non-cooperative PC.

7:11am: I push the power button on the front of my PC. It starts up. Fan sounds like an 89 year old emphysema victim in the throes of a heart attack. Thank God it's only a year old, right?

7:12 to 7:27: Booting up.

7:28: Booting up.

7:31: The Windows logo comes up. Somehow in 2011, it’s still rendered in 8-bit. It would look quite at home in a SuperNintendo game.

7:34: A message pops up in ASCII text. Just like on computers from 1979. Written on the screen are unfortunately what are widely believed to be the most clear instructions you will ever see in a PC environment…

Windows Advanced Options Menu
Please select an option:

Safe Mode
Safe Mode with Networking
“Is it Safe" Mode?

Enable Boot Logging
Boot While Enabling Logs – Toilet paper handy: Y/N?
Log in While Getting Booted in Your Enablers

Last Known Great Configuration
Last Known Good Configuration
Last known Meh Configuration

7:57am: Machine is up and running.

8:09am: I am at the desktop, I start Outlook to check email

8:09am: Outlook crashes. Apparently the act of getting my email was too much for the email program.

8:10 to 8:37am: Restart 11 times in a row.

8:43am: Reading email. I received 139 emails since I left the office. 133 of the emails are SPAM. Some promise a larger wang, some promise 38 millions dollars from Dr. Oomale Tengu in Nigeria, some promise a date with Scarlet Johannson…and at least one promises that you can put your larger wang into Scarlet Johannson if you would just send a cashiers check for $500 to Dr. Oomale Tengu of Nigeria to secure the 38 million dollars.

9:05am: While forwarding a critical LOLcat image to my wife…Outlook crashes.

9:19am: I need to make a CD for a client. Now this seems to be a fairly simple process but since I am on a PC, it will most likely take a good part of the morning and test what little faith I have in a just and loving God. I press open on the CD drive, nothing happens, so I press it again. I hear a small whirring noise, I press it again, I hear a couple of clicks, I press it a third time and hear a whooshing sound but that might be from my impending anuyersm.

The tray opens, I drop in a disk and press the button, nothing happens. I force the tray closed. The computer says “Unrecognizable Media”. It says it’s a DVD, not a CD. I open it and reinsert it… now its says it’s a Backstreet Boys CD, I try again now it says it’s a CD but it doesn’t like Sony discs. I kick the machine.

A message pops up… It says, “Are you sure you want to erase your hard drive”? I curse and then click no.

It spits the disk out onto the floor, in a fit of rage, I stomp on it, doing zero damage.

I drop a new disk in and it accepts it. It then attempts to burn my entire porn collection and crashes the computer. Note to self…keeping 32 GB of porn on my office PC may not be a good idea.

10:57am: The PC begins to email everyone I have ever known with random pornography. Even the pictures with the salamanders.

10:58am: I am back from my trip to the fire escape, a fellow employee convinced me to return to the safety of my desk. I cant say the same for the computer. It lies in some 2,371 pieces strewn all over Union Square. I laugh when I think of it.

1:17pm: The tech guy arrives with my new computer. He goes on at great length about how fast and powerful this machine is. Its got a huge processor, a tremendous drive, brand new CD/DVD burner…What system is it running? I ask. He says Windows XP.

1:18pm: I open the window to take the PC onto the fire escape. The tech guy stops me… “trust me he says. It will work great”.

1:22pm: He is a liar.

1:59pm: I go to lunch outside the office. I am 8 blocks away from my computer…it crashes. Somehow it is my fault.

2:44pm: I want to get online, I start Internet Explorer and type in a website I want…it ignores me and takes me to a Microsoft page because Microsoft doesn’t think I know how to spell “CNN”.

3:11: I hate Microsoft so much.

3:23: Must work on a layout for a company wide party invitation.

3:41 - 3:59pm: Computer Crashes

4:19pm:  I begin search for images on Google for company invitation.

4:49pm - I receive email from Dr. Oomale Tengu, he implores me to stop sending him pornographic images of salamanders. I tell him it will stop just as soon as he sends me a cashiers check for $500.

5:03 - Computer crashes. I pour 2 liter bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper into hard drive and go home.

GoogleTranslate, you have failed me...

I found this (clearly written by me) very sloppily on a ripped piece of paper on my wife's Honda dashboard. Here is my attempt at translation…

Fried mo breads ass Other,

Frond curves down to Help

His Wipe His Ass, etc.

This may remain one of the world's greatest mysteries.

Hey man...it's like...wow...you know?

One afternoon, I was going through some old photo albums with Ava.*

We came across a photo of my cousin Vito who literally would be the perfect image to use in a dictionary to illustrate the word "Hippie".

It is in fact this photo...

A little while later Ava became concerned that her grandfather also may or may not have been, as she puts it...“a filthy hippie”.

When he visited a week later, he took us to lunch.

During the meal, she repeatedly asked whether he used to be a filthy hippie and he of course denied he was such. She had several questions for him…

1. Did he have a job?

2. Did he walk around the dirty streets in his bare feet?

3. Did he shave?

As we left the restaurant, he went to his car and Ava to hers. He sweetly yelled over to her “Ava, see you back at the house"!

Ava yelled back “Hippie"! and got in her car seat.

Mission Accomplished.

* Old Man on the Porch Says...yes kids it's true, there are people out there who actually have books with photos in them instead of using an iPhone to store every single stupid moment of your vapid lives.

Shhhh, I'm in disguise...

Wasn't that on Cinemax?

Just back from a Caribbean vacation but as it was Christmas, my 4-year old spent a huge amount of time singing Christmas songs.

At one point, she was singing Jingle Bells...in her own way...

"Dashing through the snow,

In a one whore soap and slay".

And I thought to myself...that would be an excellent title for a porno-horror movie.

Don't you think?

To the Multiplex !!!

ONSCREEN:

MPAA rating - This trailer should never be viewed by anyone… anywhere.

VOICEOVER:

From the studio that brought you Love in a Pinto, Strangers in Pantaloons and Don't Touch My Pits! comes a vibrant and intellectually challenging story of redemption, ennui, nausea, poor penmanship, tragedy and slapstick...

FADE IN:

Lightning crashes, thunder rolls...a homeless man, yells "Whooooo"! Helicopter shot, we are racing over New York City.

VOICEOVER:

"In a world where anything can happen because we couldn't find a decent script but still have to get people into the theater".

CUT TO…

A kitten meows

A car explodes.

A man turns to the camera, startled. "Who are you"?

The Millennium Falcon, clearly stolen from the film Star Wars flies by the screen.

VOICEOVER:

"In a world where men and women get along all the time and dinosaurs are hired as baristas at Starbucks"…

CUT TO:

A chicken plays tic tac toe

Fighter planes race by, people look up and point

A kitten farts.

Same man…"no seriously, man, who the fuck are you"?

VOICEOVER:

In the future, when gas is seven bucks a gallon and milk costs even more…one man will rise up and show the world what a true hero is".

CUT TO:

Farmer milking cow….slowly.

Same man again "Gimme that camera, you bastard"!

Godzilla puppet on hand driving a car, people honking behind him.

Old woman folding socks.

VOICEOVER:

In a season, thats not winter, fall or spring…a sock puppet and his owner will take on the mantle of a dark knight (can we say that?, I don't want to get sued.) …um A Dark Evening type hero…

CUT TO:

Godzilla puppet (dyed black, mask askew on face..."Im Batman!"

Car explodes

Boat crashes

Hindenberg falls out of the sky.

VOICEOVER:

In a time when watches only go to 11:00pm, where calendars only have 8 months of pages…

CUT TO:

A child lets go of his balloon and it floats away. He cries.

The father laughs and points…" HA, HA, weenie"!

Boy falls to his knees… "NOOOOOOOOOOO"!

VOICEOVER:

This summer…or spring. Prepare yourself for a tour de force (whatever that means). A film that combines the special effects of Logan's Run, the romanticism of Schindler's List, the lust and bawdiness of The Muppets Take Manhattan and the random explosions of Michael Bay in a mishmash of bad writing, random neuron firings and if you're lucky some naked titties.

Remember to bring your whole family..and at least 200 bucks, popcorn aint getting any cheaper.

ON SCREEN:

Coming Soon.