After much research and tireless (there's a pun in there, I guess) effort. I have come up with a way to make Nascar interesting to almost everyone, make zillions of dollars for the owners and the network and create jobs for thousands of people.

By research, I mean I glanced at the TV for a few minutes.

By tireless effort, I mean I came up with the idea while eating nachos at Applebees.

And here it is…

As I have been told over and over by loud mouth jerks wearing flannel shirts with the sleeves cut off….people don't go to watch the cars go around in circles (although that seems to be the sort of thing that would entertain these idiots just fine)… they go to wait for the inevitable crashes and they hope, a death or two.

So if thats true, then why not open the sport to audience participation? Thats right…I mean to suggest that you take a "sport" where cars are traveling in excess of 200 mph and add in the extremely unpredictable behavior of imbeciles who live in homes on wheels and think that drinking 6 beers at 8am on a weekday is a perfectly acceptable breakfast.

Strap in, cause here it is...

In the center of the race track, you sell premium tickets to the dumbest, reality show-watching imbeciles you can find. Then you set up a series of stands that sell all sorts of objects.

At those stands the fans can buy an object and throw it on to the track during the race and watch as the hilarity ensues.

So for instance…

Tennis Ball - $2.00

Eggs, dozen - $3.50

Half-Full Paint Can with no lid - $5.00

Miss Piggy Muppet Puppet - 6.00

Ziploc full of assorted pork parts - 7.50

Balloon full of motor oil - $10.00

Bucket of 1000 SuperBalls - 12.50

Garbage pail full of Slinkys - 17.75

Six Pack of Assorted sized used diapers - 21.50

Small Flock of live geese - $25.00

Torn pillowcase full of hammers - $50.00

Live hobo dressed as Superman - $100.00

The possibilities are literally endless…and no more cruel than having to sit through 500 laps of pinheads racing around wasting gas.

I know what you're thinking…my god, people will die. Well people die at this "sport" all the time. The only difference is that it's usually from a random accident so unfortunately there's never a guarantee that it will happen at every race. 

Now we can make sure the masses are entertained AND everyone gets paid.

ESPN will go for it, the fans will love it and because theres no shortage of stupid people in the world, you'll never run out of new drivers.

This truly is the win-win scenario everyone is always talking about.