Bill Gates, I'll see you in hell!

7:05am: I push the power button on the front of my PC.

7:08am: I push the power button on the front of my PC.

7:09am: I get coffee. While it brews I think of all the horrible things I could do to a non-cooperative PC.

7:11am: I push the power button on the front of my PC. It starts up. Fan sounds like an 89 year old emphysema victim in the throes of a heart attack. Thank God it's only a year old, right?

7:12 to 7:27: Booting up.

7:28: Booting up.

7:31: The Windows logo comes up. Somehow in 2011, it’s still rendered in 8-bit. It would look quite at home in a SuperNintendo game.

7:34: A message pops up in ASCII text. Just like on computers from 1979. Written on the screen are unfortunately what are widely believed to be the most clear instructions you will ever see in a PC environment…

Windows Advanced Options Menu
Please select an option:

Safe Mode
Safe Mode with Networking
“Is it Safe" Mode?

Enable Boot Logging
Boot While Enabling Logs – Toilet paper handy: Y/N?
Log in While Getting Booted in Your Enablers

Last Known Great Configuration
Last Known Good Configuration
Last known Meh Configuration

7:57am: Machine is up and running.

8:09am: I am at the desktop, I start Outlook to check email

8:09am: Outlook crashes. Apparently the act of getting my email was too much for the email program.

8:10 to 8:37am: Restart 11 times in a row.

8:43am: Reading email. I received 139 emails since I left the office. 133 of the emails are SPAM. Some promise a larger wang, some promise 38 millions dollars from Dr. Oomale Tengu in Nigeria, some promise a date with Scarlet Johannson…and at least one promises that you can put your larger wang into Scarlet Johannson if you would just send a cashiers check for $500 to Dr. Oomale Tengu of Nigeria to secure the 38 million dollars.

9:05am: While forwarding a critical LOLcat image to my wife…Outlook crashes.

9:19am: I need to make a CD for a client. Now this seems to be a fairly simple process but since I am on a PC, it will most likely take a good part of the morning and test what little faith I have in a just and loving God. I press open on the CD drive, nothing happens, so I press it again. I hear a small whirring noise, I press it again, I hear a couple of clicks, I press it a third time and hear a whooshing sound but that might be from my impending anuyersm.

The tray opens, I drop in a disk and press the button, nothing happens. I force the tray closed. The computer says “Unrecognizable Media”. It says it’s a DVD, not a CD. I open it and reinsert it… now its says it’s a Backstreet Boys CD, I try again now it says it’s a CD but it doesn’t like Sony discs. I kick the machine.

A message pops up… It says, “Are you sure you want to erase your hard drive”? I curse and then click no.

It spits the disk out onto the floor, in a fit of rage, I stomp on it, doing zero damage.

I drop a new disk in and it accepts it. It then attempts to burn my entire porn collection and crashes the computer. Note to self…keeping 32 GB of porn on my office PC may not be a good idea.

10:57am: The PC begins to email everyone I have ever known with random pornography. Even the pictures with the salamanders.

10:58am: I am back from my trip to the fire escape, a fellow employee convinced me to return to the safety of my desk. I cant say the same for the computer. It lies in some 2,371 pieces strewn all over Union Square. I laugh when I think of it.

1:17pm: The tech guy arrives with my new computer. He goes on at great length about how fast and powerful this machine is. Its got a huge processor, a tremendous drive, brand new CD/DVD burner…What system is it running? I ask. He says Windows XP.

1:18pm: I open the window to take the PC onto the fire escape. The tech guy stops me… “trust me he says. It will work great”.

1:22pm: He is a liar.

1:59pm: I go to lunch outside the office. I am 8 blocks away from my computer…it crashes. Somehow it is my fault.

2:44pm: I want to get online, I start Internet Explorer and type in a website I want…it ignores me and takes me to a Microsoft page because Microsoft doesn’t think I know how to spell “CNN”.

3:11: I hate Microsoft so much.

3:23: Must work on a layout for a company wide party invitation.

3:41 - 3:59pm: Computer Crashes

4:19pm:  I begin search for images on Google for company invitation.

4:49pm - I receive email from Dr. Oomale Tengu, he implores me to stop sending him pornographic images of salamanders. I tell him it will stop just as soon as he sends me a cashiers check for $500.

5:03 - Computer crashes. I pour 2 liter bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper into hard drive and go home.