Where you at, bro...

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An Idiot says what...

From io9.com...

In an interview that aired Wednesday morning, Donald Trump told Fox News’s Maria Bartiromo in exquisitely vague detail all about how he told Chinese President Xi Jinping how he had launched missiles at the wrong country.

Shortly after Trump ordered the launch of 59 Tomahawk Cruise missiles at an airbase in Syria, he told Xi about it over dinner at his Florida country club Mar-a-Lago. In their conversation, Bartiromo asked Trump how that conversation went. Was it over a rarely-cooked steak of white horned rhinoceros / Did Trump try to make a joke to lighten the mood? Did he mime tenderly patting Ivanka’s tear streaked cheeks?

“I was sitting at the table we had finished dinner we’re now having dessert. And we had the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen,” Trump said, gesturing at how large the cake was (about the size of a biggish infant). “And President Xi was enjoying it. And I was given the message from the generals that the ships are locked and loaded, what do you do? And we made a determination to do. So the missiles were on the way.”

“So I said, Mr. President, let me explain something to you—this is during —we’ve just fired 59 missiles, all of which hit by the way. Unbelievable, from hundreds of miles away, all of which hit, amazing, so incredible, it’s brilliant, it’s genius, our technology, our equipment is better than anybody by a factor of five...” he continues, becoming slightly distracted and embarking upon a tangent in which he praises our military equipment for functioning properly (though, to be fair, that’s quite unusual for things—missiles or otherwise—with the Trump name on it).

“So what happens is, I said, we just launched 59 missiles heading to Iraq—”

“Heading towards Syria?” Bartiromo corrects him.

“Yes, heading toward Syria.”

God, he sounds like such an asshole.

The Conquistador de Amore...

Look at it...

Isn't it magnificent?

It frightens you…

It intrigues you...

It's like looking into the face of God...

You don't dare look away...

You want to...

Yet you can't...

You want to go there...

...but unless you have a 50-gallon drum of bleach...you shouldn't.

El Paraiso Motel.

Question and Answer with the manager of the Champagne VIP Suites:

Q. Let's cut to the chase, can I gets my drank on?

A. Of course you can, we have only the finest top-shelf booze and there is nothing like hand-made mojitos delivered to your room where you can answer the door wearing nothing but a dirty sock on your tallywhacker.

Q. Does each room have its own ice maker or do I gotta walk down a long hall while listening to the sounds of other people doing terrible and potentially nightmarish things to one another?

A. Each of our love sanctuaries has its own ice maker, use it for drinks or to play the cherished game "Skiing Down Mrs. Claus While Santa’s Away"… it’s up to you.

Q. What about my toonage, my good fellow?

A. Check it, we got an iPod docking station in each Shack D’Amore…bring your own music cause no one but you knows what you wanna hear while getting freaky, maybe it’s Elvis, maybe it’s the theme from Sesame Street, maybe it’s Beyonce and maybe it’s the super patriotic marching music of John Philip Souza…you degenerate.

Q. Where do I park my 1986 El Camino with its fine spinning rims?

A. Each of our Suites has its own private parking garage. Cause no one needs to see you unpacking a Batman costume, a life preserver, 5 lbs of flour, book cover laminator, bike pump and a garbage bag filled with stuffed animals, 

Q. What if we’re done but we still got time on the room?

A. Feel free to catch up on episodes of I Love Lucy, Full House, Star Trek or even Little House on the Praire on your in-room 128” flat panel TV.

Q. What else do you offer at this amazing Casa De Naked?

A. Oodles, my man…We have the Fantasy Shower where you can peep thru a window at your significant other while they wash their pits. 

You can indulge in a Love Swish in our patented 2-story Champagne Whirlpool…get your woman to sit in it while you go downstairs and look at her ass pressed up against the glass…classy as hell.

 

Make use of our Wet Love Chair, it has all the drama, mystery and romantic appeal of a gynecological exam but without the co-pay.

You can use our Dance Pole. There is nothing sexier on this earth than a 58-year-old naked fat man trying to do an effortless Spinning Bobblehead, the Dirty Raven or better yet the Spinning Fuckaloo.

Mirrors, we got mirrors! Some of our rooms have been specially designed for you to enjoy the art of love from every angle along with the very real possibility that every single perverted thing you are doing is being viewed and recorded…yes, even that thing with the salamander dressed as Laura Ingalls Wilder.

Or you can use our regular Love Chair, just like the wet chair…but dry.

Q. Damn, son…I’m sold, where are you located? In the real fancy part of town?

A. Hell to the Na, we’re in freakin Hialeah. So come see us, you won’t be sorry... until the next day.

3 HRS. $79.00 

EVERY EXTRA HOUR $20.00

Order Up!

So, this past week, Ava's Gardening Club was invited to a local dining establishment to make use of their just harvested vegetables under the supervision of one of the chefs.

Because I am just on the borderline of mentally deranged, I pictured my lovely child wearing a sweaty doo-rag, cigarette dangling from her mouth at a steaming grill waiting for the orders...

Ava: "C,mon! gimme da orders, don't hold up my line"!

Waitress: "You got it babe, I need: 2 Filthy Dingos on a LoveSeat, a Turtlehead on Handlebars, 2 BeefWhistles on a golf course, A TinShack HoBag with Six Kids, a Mississippi water fountain - Caribbean style, 3 Chicago Headstands and smack them twice, Gravel Shoes in a dirty alley, a Michigan love Knuckles on a Pretzel Raft and Mickey Rooney Naked on a mountain".

Ava: "Ewww...supergross."

But that probably didn't happen. Anyway...

Being as this is a loud unpredictable group of nine-year-olds, they thought it best to stick with something easy. So chef supplied them with grilled chicken and they assembled their own lettuce wraps using their fried green tomatoes, peppers, edible flowers, roasted eggplant, chives etc.

See below....

Why don't they listen...

Found this on Trillion.com...

Sometimes marketing directors or department managers are compelled to have a graphic designer create an editable brochure in Microsoft Word so that future issues or editions of the brochure can be easily edited by the internal team. Sounds like a legitimate request, right? Not so fast. In fact, creating a brochure in Word for these reasons is perhaps the most unproductive use of time and manpower imaginable. If you are working with a legitimate graphic designer they will no doubt do their best to steer you towards more robust page layout software, such as Adobe InDesign.

In theory, Word provides some tools that can be used to design a brochure. Tasks such as inserting images, creating columns and changing fonts and colors can be accomplished. In reality, Word is not the way of achieving aesthetically pleasing layout and design – after all, it’s a word processing program. While it can format text and insert artwork, Word does not allow you the exceptional control, accuracy and adaptability that professional page layout software provides.

Common misconceptions of designing your brochure in Word:

Anyone can easily edit the file

Once you create it, alternate versions can be created with ease

You can print high-quality brochures locally

You will love the experience of designing in Word.

We’ve had requests from Fortune 500 clients, as well as some of our smaller clients, to develop complicated template designs in Word. Upon receiving these requests, we quickly persuade our clients to choose another route. While clients are seeking the ability to change content quickly and internally, the fact is any change in word-count or resized photos in future issues can render a Word template useless; or at the very least create enormous headaches for the person tasked with trying to make the design look acceptable. 

Bottom line: it will cost you more in lost time and productivity than to have a designer produce the document in InDesign.

In addition, file sizes can become very large if photos are embedded into a Word document. Increased file size can tax systems and networks that are not capable of handling the increased bandwidth that large files require. Inserting, resizing and rotating images can yield unpredictable results given the level of the person’s expertise. It’s also likely that photos will not be proportionately scaled or resized simply due to the software’s lack of control when importing images. The end result is your brochure will look less than professional to your prospects and/or customers.

Even the act of trying to print a brochure created in Word at a commercial printer will pose major challenges. For one, Word cannot separate colors properly. This means that if you need 5,000 2-color brochures to be printed you’ll be out of luck because of software limitations and incompatibility with the printer’s equipment. When the printer calls you and says “so what do you want me to do with this?” expect that one of the solutions she offers is to recreate the brochure in more appropriate page layout software such as InDesign. That means additional costs to you, of course.

Another major limitation of having a brochure designed with Microsoft Word and printed is that images cannot extend to the edge of the paper. Nothing says “amateur” quite like white borders all around a brochure’s perimeter. With InDesign, we can extend images over the edge of the paper (this is called bleed) and then properly render that to show trim for printing.

When department heads want to have an editable brochure template created, we recommend having Trillion design it in InDesign so the project goes smoothly from start to finish — in the initial version as well as those that will be revised or updated in the future. This will help ensure that you distribute a brochure that looks great no matter how many iterations or future editions you require.

I guess the message here is, just don't...Word is NOT a design tool.

Tippi Hedren, where are you!?

At the office…

Crow lands on my balcony, starts calling.

After a few minutes another one shows up, now they’re both calling.

A third bird shows up. 

Me: “Hey, that's freaky…it’s just like that movie”.

She: “What movie?

Me: eye roll, then sarcastically “Free Willy”.

She: “Oh yeah”.

I give up.

Dominant Species...

Every time I think we have stagnated as a species, I see something that 

rekindles my faith in the "can-do" attitude of the human race...