Bill Gates, I'll see you in hell!

7:05am: I push the power button on the front of my PC.

7:08am: I push the power button on the front of my PC.

7:09am: I get coffee. While it brews I think of all the horrible things I could do to a non-cooperative PC.

7:11am: I push the power button on the front of my PC. It starts up. Fan sounds like an 89 year old emphysema victim in the throes of a heart attack. Thank God it's only a year old, right?

7:12 to 7:27: Booting up.

7:28: Booting up.

7:31: The Windows logo comes up. Somehow in 2011, it’s still rendered in 8-bit. It would look quite at home in a SuperNintendo game.

7:34: A message pops up in ASCII text. Just like on computers from 1979. Written on the screen are unfortunately what are widely believed to be the most clear instructions you will ever see in a PC environment…

Windows Advanced Options Menu
Please select an option:

Safe Mode
Safe Mode with Networking
“Is it Safe" Mode?

Enable Boot Logging
Boot While Enabling Logs – Toilet paper handy: Y/N?
Log in While Getting Booted in Your Enablers

Last Known Great Configuration
Last Known Good Configuration
Last known Meh Configuration

7:57am: Machine is up and running.

8:09am: I am at the desktop, I start Outlook to check email

8:09am: Outlook crashes. Apparently the act of getting my email was too much for the email program.

8:10 to 8:37am: Restart 11 times in a row.

8:43am: Reading email. I received 139 emails since I left the office. 133 of the emails are SPAM. Some promise a larger wang, some promise 38 millions dollars from Dr. Oomale Tengu in Nigeria, some promise a date with Scarlet Johannson…and at least one promises that you can put your larger wang into Scarlet Johannson if you would just send a cashiers check for $500 to Dr. Oomale Tengu of Nigeria to secure the 38 million dollars.

9:05am: While forwarding a critical LOLcat image to my wife…Outlook crashes.

9:19am: I need to make a CD for a client. Now this seems to be a fairly simple process but since I am on a PC, it will most likely take a good part of the morning and test what little faith I have in a just and loving God. I press open on the CD drive, nothing happens, so I press it again. I hear a small whirring noise, I press it again, I hear a couple of clicks, I press it a third time and hear a whooshing sound but that might be from my impending anuyersm.

The tray opens, I drop in a disk and press the button, nothing happens. I force the tray closed. The computer says “Unrecognizable Media”. It says it’s a DVD, not a CD. I open it and reinsert it… now its says it’s a Backstreet Boys CD, I try again now it says it’s a CD but it doesn’t like Sony discs. I kick the machine.

A message pops up… It says, “Are you sure you want to erase your hard drive”? I curse and then click no.

It spits the disk out onto the floor, in a fit of rage, I stomp on it, doing zero damage.

I drop a new disk in and it accepts it. It then attempts to burn my entire porn collection and crashes the computer. Note to self…keeping 32 GB of porn on my office PC may not be a good idea.

10:57am: The PC begins to email everyone I have ever known with random pornography. Even the pictures with the salamanders.

10:58am: I am back from my trip to the fire escape, a fellow employee convinced me to return to the safety of my desk. I cant say the same for the computer. It lies in some 2,371 pieces strewn all over Union Square. I laugh when I think of it.

1:17pm: The tech guy arrives with my new computer. He goes on at great length about how fast and powerful this machine is. Its got a huge processor, a tremendous drive, brand new CD/DVD burner…What system is it running? I ask. He says Windows XP.

1:18pm: I open the window to take the PC onto the fire escape. The tech guy stops me… “trust me he says. It will work great”.

1:22pm: He is a liar.

1:59pm: I go to lunch outside the office. I am 8 blocks away from my computer…it crashes. Somehow it is my fault.

2:44pm: I want to get online, I start Internet Explorer and type in a website I want…it ignores me and takes me to a Microsoft page because Microsoft doesn’t think I know how to spell “CNN”.

3:11: I hate Microsoft so much.

3:23: Must work on a layout for a company wide party invitation.

3:41 - 3:59pm: Computer Crashes

4:19pm:  I begin search for images on Google for company invitation.

4:49pm - I receive email from Dr. Oomale Tengu, he implores me to stop sending him pornographic images of salamanders. I tell him it will stop just as soon as he sends me a cashiers check for $500.

5:03 - Computer crashes. I pour 2 liter bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper into hard drive and go home.

GoogleTranslate, you have failed me...

I found this (clearly written by me) very sloppily on a ripped piece of paper on my wife's Honda dashboard. Here is my attempt at translation…

Fried mo breads ass Other,

Frond curves down to Help

His Wipe His Ass, etc.

This may remain one of the world's greatest mysteries.

Hey man...it's like...wow...you know?

One afternoon, I was going through some old photo albums with Ava.*

We came across a photo of my cousin Vito who literally would be the perfect image to use in a dictionary to illustrate the word "Hippie".

It is in fact this photo...

A little while later Ava became concerned that her grandfather also may or may not have been, as she puts it...“a filthy hippie”.

When he visited a week later, he took us to lunch.

During the meal, she repeatedly asked whether he used to be a filthy hippie and he of course denied he was such. She had several questions for him…

1. Did he have a job?

2. Did he walk around the dirty streets in his bare feet?

3. Did he shave?

As we left the restaurant, he went to his car and Ava to hers. He sweetly yelled over to her “Ava, see you back at the house"!

Ava yelled back “Hippie"! and got in her car seat.

Mission Accomplished.

* Old Man on the Porch Says...yes kids it's true, there are people out there who actually have books with photos in them instead of using an iPhone to store every single stupid moment of your vapid lives.

Shhhh, I'm in disguise...

Wasn't that on Cinemax?

Just back from a Caribbean vacation but as it was Christmas, my 4-year old spent a huge amount of time singing Christmas songs.

At one point, she was singing Jingle Bells...in her own way...

"Dashing through the snow,

In a one whore soap and slay".

And I thought to myself...that would be an excellent title for a porno-horror movie.

Don't you think?

To the Multiplex !!!

ONSCREEN:

MPAA rating - This trailer should never be viewed by anyone… anywhere.

VOICEOVER:

From the studio that brought you Love in a Pinto, Strangers in Pantaloons and Don't Touch My Pits! comes a vibrant and intellectually challenging story of redemption, ennui, nausea, poor penmanship, tragedy and slapstick...

FADE IN:

Lightning crashes, thunder rolls...a homeless man, yells "Whooooo"! Helicopter shot, we are racing over New York City.

VOICEOVER:

"In a world where anything can happen because we couldn't find a decent script but still have to get people into the theater".

CUT TO…

A kitten meows

A car explodes.

A man turns to the camera, startled. "Who are you"?

The Millennium Falcon, clearly stolen from the film Star Wars flies by the screen.

VOICEOVER:

"In a world where men and women get along all the time and dinosaurs are hired as baristas at Starbucks"…

CUT TO:

A chicken plays tic tac toe

Fighter planes race by, people look up and point

A kitten farts.

Same man…"no seriously, man, who the fuck are you"?

VOICEOVER:

In the future, when gas is seven bucks a gallon and milk costs even more…one man will rise up and show the world what a true hero is".

CUT TO:

Farmer milking cow….slowly.

Same man again "Gimme that camera, you bastard"!

Godzilla puppet on hand driving a car, people honking behind him.

Old woman folding socks.

VOICEOVER:

In a season, thats not winter, fall or spring…a sock puppet and his owner will take on the mantle of a dark knight (can we say that?, I don't want to get sued.) …um A Dark Evening type hero…

CUT TO:

Godzilla puppet (dyed black, mask askew on face..."Im Batman!"

Car explodes

Boat crashes

Hindenberg falls out of the sky.

VOICEOVER:

In a time when watches only go to 11:00pm, where calendars only have 8 months of pages…

CUT TO:

A child lets go of his balloon and it floats away. He cries.

The father laughs and points…" HA, HA, weenie"!

Boy falls to his knees… "NOOOOOOOOOOO"!

VOICEOVER:

This summer…or spring. Prepare yourself for a tour de force (whatever that means). A film that combines the special effects of Logan's Run, the romanticism of Schindler's List, the lust and bawdiness of The Muppets Take Manhattan and the random explosions of Michael Bay in a mishmash of bad writing, random neuron firings and if you're lucky some naked titties.

Remember to bring your whole family..and at least 200 bucks, popcorn aint getting any cheaper.

ON SCREEN:

Coming Soon.

Stop stealing my ideas!

I think they started the SkyMall magazine to prey on people who have to be on long flights. I think what happens is the longer you are in the air breathing that horrible recycled air composed of the concentrated burps, farts and the random virus or two, you start to think the things in the catalog are actually legitimate purchases.

Im here to help you…it's what I do.

First up is the Mustache Mirror. I had to really think about this one. Maybe the problem is I already have a mustache so I don't really look to my mirror to provide me with the illusion of a mustache when I can so readily grow a real one.

What weird is the choices of style seem so random. From left to right you have the "porn stache" in case you want to see what it would be like to be a refugee from a 1970's adult film. Next you have the barber shop quartet style favored by participants in that uncomfortable music style or perhaps you are a evil guy looking to tie a girl to train tracks. Last is the one made famous by the rich guy in the monopoly game, something that never goes out of style if you ask me.

I guess my biggest problem is that of where you hang the mirror. If it's high enough for you, short people see the mustaches on the tops of their heads like some sort of strange toupee and if you have friends that are pro basketball players, they see the mustaches on their crotch like strange little stylish merkins.

OrbitWheels: Im not sure what use these are. I guess if you generally travel by skateboard (and most likely are 13 years old) then this may appeal to you. I can't see why this would be fun, generally humans walk forward so forcing yourself to slide sideways on twin circles seems counter intuitive to behaving like a normal person.

Of course this photo illustrates that he may not in fact be a normal person, in fact if I had to guess he appears to be the kind of person who has to wear a helmet all the time…if you catch my drift.

In fact in the picture he seems to be saying: "gosh I hope some ten year old boys don't come by and push me over and then violate my helpless prone form". Although if that happened, I think that would make me smile.

Litter Kwitter: This just seems wrong on so many levels, the least of which is the picture of a cat that seems to be saying "come a little closer, so I can show you how I really feel about this". It's a series of concentric plastic circles that teach the cat to crap into your toilet. As she gets better at balancing herself, you remove the smaller circles until finally she uses the seat the way most people do.

I say most people because I lived in South Carolina for a few years…and I'll say no more.

The reason this is stupid is apparent to any person who owns a cat and that is, you can't train them to do anything. They do what they want when they want to whom they want and if they want to crap in your shoes or on your windowsill or in your favorite pillowcase…then by God that's what you're going to have to deal with.

And I don't know about you but I drink a lot and the last thing I want to do in a drunken stupor is shit all over some plastic rings when I come home...cause cats are vindictive fuckers…it goes like this: she goes to use the toilet, finds my alcohol fueled dump all over her potty and then to teach me a lesson, goes and takes a dump in the toaster.

And then nobody wins.

Tex, The Armadillo Beverage Holder: Have you ever been sitting in front of the TV watching American Idol or something equally retarded and thought, "I wish I had someplace completely stupid to put my beer can". Then this is the product for you.

Monet Rain Boots: I've cropped it out of the picture but above the image it said…"Everybody Loves Them". Thats not true…it simply can't be. Everyone doesn't agree on the same thing…well except that breasts are fantastic fun or that Paris Hilton should be squeezed to death in a filthy trash compactor. But these boots…no way.

I don't know why someone would even create these unless they were looking for a way to make other people walk into incoming traffic because they aren't paying attention.

iRestore Hair Laser: You know when I was growing up, I watched Lost in Space a lot and I always wanted to have the really cool laser than Colonel Don West used. Having said that, at no time did I ever think I wanted to shoot someone's hair with it…this just takes all the fun out of owning a personal weapon of mass destruction.

Ok, now that I got that out of the way. This actually appears to be a device that promotes hair growth but I don't understand, I would think using an intense beam of energy on your head would burn away what little hair you had but judging by the photos Im wrong.

As you can tell from these very scientific pictures, the top band moves back and forth shooting lasers at your scalp over and over until you are either bald or in possession of a hairline that has never existed on earth before.

Anyway…my guess is this device grows hair about as well as watching Lost In Space reruns does.