Is there a problem, officer?

Trying to help a friend obtain her first driver's license.

I got my license when I was 30 and living in New Jersey. Getting it was very simple, the road test is very relaxed, the streets in a rural area are very easy to navigate and parallel parking is simple when you aren't worried about delivery trucks and bike messengers crashing into you at 160 miles per hour.

However, this is Miami where almost every single road sign and light is considered a vague suggestion for the crazed wackaloons that haunt the streets of this hot, humid place.  A place where 59 year old women often go grocery shopping wearing teeny tiny articles of clothing manufactured from some sort of super stretchy material that allows 230 lbs of woman to be compressed into a space barely large enough to hold a 2-liter bottle of Pepsi.

But I digress.

Anyway, I decided to do some research and look for a decent driving school but what I found didn't seem quite right. You see the highest rated school was this one. See below…

Needless to say I was confused. I mean there are literally tens of thousands of car images on the internet…any image would have been better than this one.

I mean is this the part of the class where they teach you the Tokyo Drift or is it the section where you are tested to see if you can drive the getaway car after a bank robbery?

Then I went a little further into the site and found this…

This was a little weirder. Granted the person who wrote it was not a native english speaker…which is why we have excellent grammatic gems such as…

"Very important to carefully look at the intercepcion lights, since this devices will save our live every moment of our lives".

I couldn't have said it better myself.

The weird part is the image… I believe the language is Chinese.  

The car has no license plate. The signs are all really weird, if you look closely you see...

One that shows that this road allows Men in Hats to walk fast...

One showing the robot Johnny 5 from the crappy movie Short Circuit followed by…

One with the symbol for no handball courts…

One showing the image of a dude giving another dude a reach-around and last…

One that says there are broken swing sets up ahead.

It's all very confusing and to be honest I no longer know why I started writing this. Oh right, I was trying to find a driving school that I could recommend to a friend.

Well...this aint it.

Do you see it?

There he is!…can you believe it…it's The Lord of Hosts…The Lamb...Jesus Christ himself…or…uh…maybe its Vincent Donofrio…hmmm...looks kind of Like Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy…with just a hint of Elvis, you know before he got fat and started working Vegas…also sort of like the guy who delivers the bottled water to my office.

Anyway, this happened a few weeks ago. Some dirt collapsed on a hillside and the local pinheads began flocking to the site, because after all it must be the Face of Jesus.

How come someone didn't see the face and go, "Holy Crap! It's Ramon! My Dry Cleaner".

What I can't figure out is why the "visions" are always in very obscure places and materials. For instance why would a being that is supposedly so powerful that it created the whole of reality go to the trouble of appearing in a piece of burnt toast in a small town in Colombia?

I mean if you want to show a vision to your faithful…Create a glowing 2,000 foot tall statue of Jesus composed of green diamonds and have it float over the city of New York humming the theme to Star Wars.

A little less ambiguity is all I'm asking for here, people.

Anyhow, here is the article from the Daily News, my comments in red…

They just want to see His face. 

Or perhaps the face of Vincent Donofrio.

Hundreds of the faithful are flocking to a remote hillside in San Francisco, Colombia, after reports that the countenance of Jesus Christ has appeared after a landslide. 

Again, who decided it was Jesus? Maybe it's Steve, the tattooed guy who changes the litterboxes at PetSmart.

The image reportedly emerged after a rockslide stripped the side of a hill, leaving only dirt in the middle of a forest. Local landowners have begun charging 2,000 pesos, about 79 cents, to take visitors to the rural site. 

Isn't that great…the faithful decree that an actual miracle has occurred and the local landowners first reaction is to charge people to look at it. It's very touching…and very Christian. It's what Jesus would want, don't you think?

Over the years, such visages have been reported on a grilled cheese sandwich, a fish stick, a tree stump, a frying pan, an apple and a tortilla. 

I wonder why Jesus keeps showing up so often in food…is he trying to tell us something?

Local police were dispatched to the Colombian site to keep order among the throng of miracle-seekers. Keep order?…that seems unnecessary…this is not a mob of 13-year olds at a Justin Beiber concert.

Speaking of Justin…how long before he shows up on a piece of burnt toast?

…best served cold.

Yesterday I stepped out to run an errand and when I got back I found my office vandalized…

I'm not entirely certain but I believe it was payback for my Latino Power Rangers comment from earlier in the day…

Vamos Los Power Rangers!

Lunch at the office…

Kiria is watching a video on her phone.
It's a parody video called "If Power Rangers were Latino"

In the video they are performing the lineup where each character shouts their power and transforms into it, needless to say it has been…altered:

Cafe Con Leche!

Mantequilla!

Chimichangas!

Tortillas!

Arroz Con Pollo!

Croquettas!

Kiria hands me the phone, and after the video I said: "But if they're latinos wouldn't they all just be laying around doing nothing"?

And that's when the cursing started.

Hell, yes... I'm at church 3-4 times a week!

Saturday morning, Ava and I are having breakfast…

Ava points out Darwin's Origin of Species on the bookshelf, we start talking about belief, religion and science.

Ava tells me she thinks she is only person at her school that doesn't believe in God. I ask her why she doesn't believe and she says because "there is no proof he exists, no proof that he created the world, no proof he ever did anything".

I tell her that is fine but she must understand that there are plenty of people who do believe in God and they do it even though there is no proof, that is what faith is all about.

Towards the end I say, if you are interested in a set of beliefs that are about harming no one and helping others you could study Buddhism.

Ava: "Boobism"?

Me: "No…Buddhism".

Ava: "Then what's Boobism"?

Me: "That's Daddy's personal religion…in fact your Mom and I have study group later".

Ava: "What"?