There is a company in my building that seems to employ a large collection of inconsiderate hipsters whose sole function seems to be to irritate me on a daily basis.
How do you even advertise for that kind of person?
Anyway... it seems that in order to work at that firm you must:
Be unable to simply walk up or down a single flight of stairs. Even when going from 2 to 1, you must wait for the elevator and hold everyone up.
Have a high threshold for people who cannot seem to find the time to wash themselves at least once a day and perhaps use deodorant or run a comb thru their hair.
If you are a guy, you must take no less than 34 smoke breaks per day.
If you are a woman, you must engage in very intense debates about why frozen yogurt has become so "mainstream".
You must not mind being crammed into a glass room with 25 other unwashed creative types* even when that room was designed to house 12 people.
*What’s the deal with creative types, I think I am at least reasonably creative and somehow I manage to shower, brush my teeth and not substitute smoking for good hair care.
You must listen only to music that is very obscure, edgy and new and you must love it even if it sucks. In fact the shittier it is, the more aggravating you find it…the more you must talk about how great it is.
Dude with Beard: bobbing his head up and down, to co-worker in elevator: "Man, this new album by The Afro Unicycles is amazing".
Dude with No Beard: "I know, right? I bought the album this morning”.
Dude with Beard immediately removes headphones and deletes album…”fuckin’ sellouts”.
If you are the older guy in the group you must teach the younger men your theory that women who don’t like you are obviously lesbians.
Anytime you are waiting for the elevator and the door opens, you must tilt your head like a confused dog, look at those of us in the elevator and ask which way its going.
If you are a woman going to lunch with another woman, you must say something as stupid as “Im going to Chipotle, do you wanna split a salad"?
Two on a fuckin salad, that has got to be a sign of some impending apocalypse, don’t you think?
You must be as large a douchebag as possible. I'm standing in the elevator with this idiot wearing a Fantastic Four logo on his shirt.
Me: Nice shirt, do you collect comics?”
Him: Looks down at his shirt, "No, I just liked the logo".
Me: Holding back insane urge to pick him up by his collar and slap his face vigorously.
Five minutes later, back at my desk...
Me: "Fuckin douchebag in the elevator"...I tell the story to the staff.
Chris: "Did you pick him up by his collar and slap his face vigorously"?
Me: No…and it may have been the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life.
And lastly...
You must extol the virtues of the corner coffee guy and then talk shit about how Starbucks is so commercial and degrading just like "the man". But a word of advice, at Starbucks you see the coffee made in front of you start to finish and the corner coffee guy doesn’t have a place to pee…so you figure it out.
