Somebody Save Me!

I ride the subways every day and in addition to the throngs of sometimes unwashed, often entertaining riders, I also see a few ads that are stuck all over the car. Generally they are advertising prayer or spiritual help in the form of a one-on-one visit to an alleged shaman/priest/fortune teller/insert your own creative individual who promises to help solve all of your problems if only you would make sure to bring an unspecified "donation".

They claim to be healers, fortune tellers, mystics, experts in love, removers of bad spells and more.

I have to say…it sounds better than most modern medicine….think about it, if you have a swollen ankle, deep cut on your hand and a sinus infection, you have to check with your HMO, get three separate referrals and then visit three separate people for three different treatments…

…actually if you have all three of those things at the same time, you should not be leaving the house without supervision, you seem accident prone.

But I digress…

These guys can solve all your problems in one location…generally a fifth floor walkup in a filthy, dangerous tenement on a garbage-strewn street usually found in a neighborhood that makes Afghanistan look like a tropical sunny weekend getaway.

Anyhoo…

The ads seem written by someone who doesn't have a 100% grasp of the english language, there are usually typos and always bad grammar. Some even offer a free question by phone…my question would be about the upcoming lottery numbers but maybe that's just greedy.

The ads generally have some sort of mystical clipart on them…pyramids, the all seeing eye, crudely-drawn palms, fat guy in a turban, stars and planets or sometimes just the always tasteful and comforting image of Jesus being crucified.

They usually read something like this…

Reverend, Used Tire Salesman and Spiritual Consultant Raymond "JuJu Master" Ali Budda Shazam...Welcomes you to his very own home in beautiful downtown Bed Stuy.

Free Parking around the corner, take your CD player with you.

Raymond is a master of Mysticism, he can heal the sick, remove suffering, get crazy jealous bitches off your back or if you're into that sort of thing... get crazy jealous bitches onto your back.

Is your marriage failing? Do you spend too much money on stupid schemes? Are you separated from a child?…perhaps a loved one who thinks you are gullible and desperately willing to trade money for bad advice wrapped up in the form of cheap charlatanism?

Raymond can tell you who to stay away from (probably Ray for one). He can remove bad spells from you..most likely whatever curse you had placed on you from the last idiot you saw before you found Ray. We all work together, we even have a union.

Ray can diagnose your pain, even over the phone. Are you ill? Itchy, Thirsty? Have Stink-Finger?, Canker sores? Ingrown toenail on your left foot? What about your right foot? See I got it in 2 tries…on account of I am a mystical person with powers beyond your understanding…

Ray is your personal savior...unless of course you have more than a third grade education. Then Ray is not for you.

Ray will lay hands on you and heal you…for $20.

Ray will lay hands on your girlfriend for $10.

Ray can tell you when Big Rollo is coming for his overdue loan money.

Ray knows that you touch yourself.

Ray can recommend a good bail bondsman.

He can tell your past, present and future, He can find your lost dog, he knows where you left your car keys, He knows your wife says you have a small winkie…He sees all.

You have been looking for Ray your whole life and he has been waiting for you to come by with your disposable income. Don't disappoint Ray today…he is waiting by the phone and he knows you will call.

Raymond "JuJu Master" Ali Budda Shazam knows everything.

Rinnnnnng!