This just seems wrong...

What Would Chuck Lorre Do...

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #240

A wise man once told me that we are all God in drag. I like that. Sometimes when I'm in a public place or sitting at a stop light, I'll watch people walking by and I'll silently say to myself, "He's God. She's God. He's God. She's God." Before long I always find myself feeling a warm sense of affinity for these strangers. The experience is even more powerful when I do this while observing a person who is clearly suffering. 

On occasion I'll test my little spiritual practice by turning on Fox News. Within minutes I become an atheist.

Are you sure this isn't one of the signs?

You see it, I know you do…it's in newspapers, magazines, on TV, on the great Lol-Cat infested Interwebs…

People are freaked out…every day, several times a day, something horrible happens. Inevitably someone starts talking about "the signs" that the world is coming to an end.

I too have joined that group for this weekend in the Sunday Edition of the New York TImes, I came across what most assuredly is one of the signs of the apocalypse.

And here it is…

Now don't get me wrong,I'm not trying to be mean… it would be silly of me to simply point out that the outfit this man is wearing is demented beyond belief, that it's a sign that people as a whole are just too stupid to go on.

But thats not the sign Im talking about. The sign that this image portends the end of the world is coming is the sheer (no pun intended) number of people who thought that this outfit was clever and daring and interesting.

Because those people truly are dumb beyond comprehension.

It's no secret that the fashion industry is like an incestous orgy that culminates in the literal circle-jerks that are the many fashion shows that happen throughout the year. 

It's no secret that "fashion designers" design for themselves and their friends, the models and other sycophants that think that clothing design has any real value in the world.

So it's really not about this outfit he managed to wear in public with a straight face…

…but it is pretty stupid, don't you think?

Somebody Save Me!

I ride the subways every day and in addition to the throngs of sometimes unwashed, often entertaining riders, I also see a few ads that are stuck all over the car. Generally they are advertising prayer or spiritual help in the form of a one-on-one visit to an alleged shaman/priest/fortune teller/insert your own creative individual who promises to help solve all of your problems if only you would make sure to bring an unspecified "donation".

They claim to be healers, fortune tellers, mystics, experts in love, removers of bad spells and more.

I have to say…it sounds better than most modern medicine….think about it, if you have a swollen ankle, deep cut on your hand and a sinus infection, you have to check with your HMO, get three separate referrals and then visit three separate people for three different treatments…

…actually if you have all three of those things at the same time, you should not be leaving the house without supervision, you seem accident prone.

But I digress…

These guys can solve all your problems in one location…generally a fifth floor walkup in a filthy, dangerous tenement on a garbage-strewn street usually found in a neighborhood that makes Afghanistan look like a tropical sunny weekend getaway.

Anyhoo…

The ads seem written by someone who doesn't have a 100% grasp of the english language, there are usually typos and always bad grammar. Some even offer a free question by phone…my question would be about the upcoming lottery numbers but maybe that's just greedy.

The ads generally have some sort of mystical clipart on them…pyramids, the all seeing eye, crudely-drawn palms, fat guy in a turban, stars and planets or sometimes just the always tasteful and comforting image of Jesus being crucified.

They usually read something like this…

Reverend, Used Tire Salesman and Spiritual Consultant Raymond "JuJu Master" Ali Budda Shazam...Welcomes you to his very own home in beautiful downtown Bed Stuy.

Free Parking around the corner, take your CD player with you.

Raymond is a master of Mysticism, he can heal the sick, remove suffering, get crazy jealous bitches off your back or if you're into that sort of thing... get crazy jealous bitches onto your back.

Is your marriage failing? Do you spend too much money on stupid schemes? Are you separated from a child?…perhaps a loved one who thinks you are gullible and desperately willing to trade money for bad advice wrapped up in the form of cheap charlatanism?

Raymond can tell you who to stay away from (probably Ray for one). He can remove bad spells from you..most likely whatever curse you had placed on you from the last idiot you saw before you found Ray. We all work together, we even have a union.

Ray can diagnose your pain, even over the phone. Are you ill? Itchy, Thirsty? Have Stink-Finger?, Canker sores? Ingrown toenail on your left foot? What about your right foot? See I got it in 2 tries…on account of I am a mystical person with powers beyond your understanding…

Ray is your personal savior...unless of course you have more than a third grade education. Then Ray is not for you.

Ray will lay hands on you and heal you…for $20.

Ray will lay hands on your girlfriend for $10.

Ray can tell you when Big Rollo is coming for his overdue loan money.

Ray knows that you touch yourself.

Ray can recommend a good bail bondsman.

He can tell your past, present and future, He can find your lost dog, he knows where you left your car keys, He knows your wife says you have a small winkie…He sees all.

You have been looking for Ray your whole life and he has been waiting for you to come by with your disposable income. Don't disappoint Ray today…he is waiting by the phone and he knows you will call.

Raymond "JuJu Master" Ali Budda Shazam knows everything.

Rinnnnnng!

Browncoats will understand...

Managers just dont listen...

Monday - 4:48pm...hour 4 of yet another senseless meeting.

Unidentified Health Care Provider

Clueless Manager: "So, are we all on the same page"?

Sarcastic Employee: "Yes sir, it’s a ripped page with frayed edges and a coffee stain

in the corner and later today someone will wrap up their used gum in it but we’re all

on the same page".

Clueless Manager: "Excellent... leave a copy with my secretary".

Wait...the underwear go under the pants?

What the fuck is this?…I keep thinking that over and over.

I know I have Old Man Syndrome, hell, I think I've had it since I was 30 but Jesus H. Christ, what am I looking at here?

Is this a real thing?

Is this a real live human being who chose of his own volition to put these particular clothes on? Was this fool forced to dress at gunpoint? Is this a statement? Is it a protest? Has he suffered head trauma? Is it a dare for a new reality TV show? 

Why the fuck can't I wrap my head around it!?

If this guy came up to me in the street, I would assume he was mugged, given a poor haircut, had all his clothes  and razor stolen and then forced to dress at the local men's shelter. I would in fact give him money because even a hobo has better fashion sense than this.

The photo comes from NY Magazine…which goes a long way in explaining why people who don't live in NYC think New Yorkers are schmucks. This guy is a marketing manager who likes to bike and has become a homebody according to the very in-depth questionnaire. 

It doesn't mention if he shops for his clothes in a filthy Brooklyn dumpster while wearing a blindfold but that would explain a lot.

Adults don't dress like this, not in the past, not now and not in the future.

People who have no shame and no connection to reality do.

You Must be Trippin'...

Earlier this week I was climbing the stairs out of the subway on to Prince Street. In front of me was a 20-something year old, whose pants were hanging low, underwear bunched up around his waist. Everyone has seen this "style"of dressing and of course, everyone has an opinion about it. 

Despite having to endure his hairy crack inches from my face, the best part was when we got to the last step... as he hiked his pants up (his right pant leg being under his $300 sneakers) he tripped himself face first onto the sidewalk.

Im not proud of it but I laughed out loud.

No, wait thats not true…I was proud.

When I got to the office, I looked this particular fashion statement up on The Great InterWebs…last bastion of all things truthful and accurate…

WIkipedia: (my comments in red)...

Sagging is a manner of wearing trousers below the waist, revealing much of the underwear. Sagging is predominantly a male fashion. (further proof that most women are generally smarter than men). Women's wearing of low rise jeans to reveal their g-string underwear (the "whale tail") is not generally considered sagging. (good to know).

An individual that participates in the practice of sagging may be referred to as a sagger. (clever). In some countries this practice is known as 'low-riding'. It has become popular since the popularity of wearing brightly colored and patterned 'boxer' underwear. 

Sagging was adopted from the United States prison system where belts are prohibited. (Of all the places where you don’t want your pants around your ankles, I believe that jail is number one.) Belts are sometimes prohibited to keep prisoners from using them as weapons or in committing suicide by hanging themselves.The style was later popularized by hip-hop artists in the 1990s. 

It has since become a symbol of freedom and cultural awareness (what culture promotes dressing like a hobo?) among some youths or a symbol of their rejection of the values of mainstream society.(They're rejecting wearing pants correctly as a statement? How dangerous and progressive… you might as well protest toast or carpet or crayons.)

Yep…the youth of today…blindly stumbling into the future..and dragging us with them.

Goes down smooooooth...

I saw a poster today for Bud Light…on the bottles it now says "Superior Drinkability". What the fuck does that mean?

Doesn't any liquid have superior drinkability? What would be amazing is if cement or hot glue or roofing tar had superior drinkability. 

That would be something.

So this is how I see it...

Yes, Sensei!

Let me tell you a story...

I get home from work the other day and I (stupidly) ask Ava what she learned today.
Rather than tell me, she wants to show me…which in my experience is not a good idea…

…this time will be no different.

Ava: "Pick me up".

I hesitate…since generally this is a setup that will leave some sort of bruise on me for the next few days.

Me: "Ummmmm..."

Ava: "C'mon I have to show you something"!

I pick her up.

Ava: "Now say, Gotcha, Kid"!

Me: "Gotcha, Kid"!

Ava boxes my ears really hard... startled, I drop her, she turns, faces me, goes into a fighting stance and kicks me in the balls.

I go down like a sack of filthy laundry.

Ava: "I LOVE DISCIPLINE"!

Told you it would leave a mark.

Well...this changes everything...

Mr. Lecter...did you drop this?

The designers were working on a presentation recently. Often they have to go shopping for materials to dress up the design with some actual items that the client can handle and discuss with the team.

One of the designers asked me to throw out her shopping list...

Red Betta Fish in a Jar

Shaving Items

Blood Oranges

A Small Mirror

Sewing Kit

Plug Converter

Flip Flops

Energy Bars

Something Soft

Thick Knit Socks

iPhone Case

Loofah

Eyemask

Apocatecary Jars

Hairbrush

And then I thought that if the list had been found in the street by a random passerby, they would probably think that they were holding a shopping list for a strange freaky sex weekend…or perhaps the kit a serial killer might assemble.

It's all about context, isn't it?