I think they're called Horrible-Scopes

At first I didn't know how to start this, it all sounded like I was making fun of people's beliefs but then I thought, this is my blog, it's supposed to reflect what I think and besides people who believe in astrology are just as simple as those who believe in psychics, alien abductions, feng shui, Creationism and palm reading.

So here goes...

Much like anyone with a functioning brain, I know Astrology is a bunch of bullshit. You only need to understand the bare minimum about stars and planets to know that objects tremendous distances away cannot affect your life on the little blue marble.

It's just six kinds of stupid.

And for the record because something dumb has persisted for thousands of years doesn't make it valid….it just means there are always just enough imbeciles who keep it alive.

I agree it can be fun to read a horoscope and find out that something in those very vague comments "comes true" but it's just coincidence.

You have a better shot with what's printed in fortune cookies.

If you want a scientific explanation, look up the "Forer Effect". It very clearly explains stupid behavior in stupid people...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forer_effect

So a few years ago, there was this big deal (in fact this has come up several times in the past) when an astronomy instructor named Parke Kunkle mentioned again how the astrology charts that are based on the constellations and stars (more on that in a minute) are actually out of alignment. He said: 

"that the Earth's wobbly orbit means it's no longer aligned to the stars in the same way as when the signs of the zodiac were first conceived, about 5,000 years ago". That means, Kunkle said, that when astrologers say the sun is in Pisces, it's really in Aquarius, and so on. "Astronomers have known about this since about 130 B.C."

He added: "This is not new news. Almost every astronomy class talks about it."

The horror of this all (horror-scope, heh), is that people literally started to flip out. People who believe in this crap were calling their astrologers because they were worried they were actually born under a different sign.

Here are some comments (poor grammar and mis-spelling intact) that I came across…take it with a grain of salt, these are from the interwebs…

Parke Kunkle needs to go sit down and shut up.....SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT A STfOP TO THIS MANS MADNESS....

I totally agree! Who is this guy? A teacher from podunk community college! Who the fuck is he to change the zodiac, which has been true for thousands of years! I am an aries all the way not a pisces.

i agree!! i dont want to change my tattoo design either just because this american is on a country wide power high!!! americans are dumb and dont have the right to change the way the world works just because they want to!!

You sir are ruining peoples lives because of your stupid finding.Now people will not know who they truly are.So i hope you have a miserable day knowing you ruined my life and day.

God I love people.

Of course this caused the astrologers to just about poop their pants because after all, they are just gosh darn tired of those astronomers with their science and facts coming in and screwing with the super-factual work of astrologers.

Of course, they're understandably worried, if everything they tell you is based on the wrong constellations, then they really don’t have a job anymore.

If you consider relieving stupid people of their money a job.

So they came up with another defense and said "no, no we don't use the constellations, we use the seasons on earth. Makes sense... fixed dates and times but this seems a little too convenient.

I believe they call this the "Rearranging of the deck chairs on the Titanic" defense. Let's continue.

From another article: Linda Zlotnick, an astrologer for 32 years in St. Paul, said she and fellow astrologers have long known of the issue raised by Kunkle, but that the most commonly used zodiac — tropical — isn’t affected by it. Zlotnick, also known as “Moonrabbit,” said the  sidereal zodiac, which isn’t as widely used, IS based on the constellations.

Moonrabbit? Yep… I can't see any reason not to take this space cadet seriously.

From the same article: A spokeswoman for the American Federation of Astrologers, Shelley Ackerman, said she’d been swamped with e-mails from worried clients. She advises them not to overreact. “This doesn’t change your chart at all. I’m not about to use it,” she said. “Every few years, a story like this comes out and scares the living daylights out of everyone, but it’ll go away as quickly as it came.”

And as we all know, ignoring the facts is what makes us great…at least thats what I was thinking the last time I was on a boat and thought I was going to fall off the edge of the world.

But something else presents itself here. There is an American Federation of Astrologers and they have been swamping her email account? I thought wow… there are a lot of simpletons with access to email.

I looked up todays' horoscopes so I could try and understand what was going on in the minds of any fool who thinks that this crap is a valid way to live and plan your life. Just read them and tell me that they don't apply to everyone, everywhere…and my translations are in red:

Aires: If you have hit a troubling time, don’t let it deter you from your plans. Friends play a big part in your life now and help you make the decisions needed to move forward. You may meet someone who can be influential, and suddenly everything falls into place. Stay positive.  If you run into a problem, solve it.

Taurus: Don’t get too comfortable in your routine, Taurus. Just when you think you have everything in place, something can change your plans. Be careful of being too rigid. This week, try to go with the flow. With Mars in your daily work zone, prepare for the unexpected. Try different things.

Gemini: Monitor your thoughts, Gemini. What you allow to enter your mind on a daily basis can strongly influence how you feel. The things you read, the TV programs you watch and, of course, the people you associate with all help to form your opinions and mood. What you think about is what you are thinking about.

Cancer: With Jupiter still in your sign, it will help to open doors. However, it’s up to you to recognize the signs and take the lead. You have the ability to put your ideas into action, but with Mercury about to go retrograde, don’t worry if there are delays. Everything will happen in good time. Stuff may happen and stuff may not.

Leo: If you want to win someone over to your side of an argument, appeal to their values to get their attention. To make influential people part of your support team, be amicable and approachable. Intelligently craft your approach to the power players, and you may get invited to their inner circle. Don't be an asshole and people may like you.

Virgo: Some people are predictable, but as soon as you assume you know what they will do, they can change their mind. There are few people you can totally rely on, so don’t take it for granted that someone else has completed everything to your high standard, Virgo. Don't count on anyone, they're all dickheads.

Libra: This next week, there can be confusion at work. You are strategic in how you weigh the pros and cons, and this can allow you to decide on the best way to proceed. There are many things to take into consideration before you feel comfortable enough to move forward. Before you make a decision, think about it.

Scorpio: You always think you know best — and you’re usually right! As conceited as that sounds, you are prepared to put in the extra hours to do a job well, which translates into knowledge and power. Still, it doesn’t hurt to take advice from those with something worthwhile to say, especially if it can help you creatively. You know everything…but really you don't.

Sagittarius: With planetary influences in your love and money zones, life will be busier, with opportunities in both areas. With Venus in your solar second house just out of retrograde and Mercury going retrograde in a few days, the week will be eventful. Thoughts are always racing through your head, and now is no exception. Things will happen this week.

Capricorn: Your private business is nobody else’s concern. If a secret has been entrusted to you, keep your lips sealed. It can end in mistrust (and drama) if you reveal something made for your ears only. Also, when you release information before it’s ready, it can jinx things – play it safe, and keep quiet. If someone tells you a secret don't tell anyone.

Aquarius: If a proposal is not laid out in black and white, especially if it concerns money, ask questions until you get the full story. However, even when you’ve gathered all the information you can, there still may not be enough to make an informed decision. That’s when you must rely on intuition. If you don't have the facts…guess.

Pisces: With two planets in your sign now and Mercury in the most disruptive storm period approaching its retrograde transit, it’s important to stay focused. You need to put your energy into everything you do to keep a handle on your responsibilities. Eat, sleep, do your job, have sex, buy groceries…pretty much just live your life.

Tune in next week when I write my own much more believable horoscopes!

I can see your future...

Aires: If someone calls you a jerk, they're either right or wrong. Cross the street at the light or in the middle of the block, it doesn't matter. Be careful to match your socks this morning. Mercury is spinning backwards this week and that can mean romantic entanglements.

Taurus:  Don't plug in your toaster except on Tuesday or Wednesday. Vary your routine as much as possible but don't change anything in your life. Tell the barista at Starbucks your name is Batman. Bring an umbrella if it looks like rain. That girl you spent the night with sure had a big Adam's Apple, didn't she?

Gemini: Don't dry your hair after you shower. When you go outside look up. You will meet a man wearing a pink carnation. Remember, Mars is having an Occluded Fezziwig today and you know what that means! Don't let anyone tell you different…those pants fit you fine.

Cancer: Put a tiny sombrero on your dog, he will hate you for it. Don't sign any contracts today, unless you want to. Romance is in the cards today so be sure to say I love you to every person you meet. If you don't wipe properly Uranus will smell.

Leo: Handing out dollar bills in the subway will get bums to like you. Don't take the D train today or the R, N, E, C or B trains. Order spaghetti at lunch but eat it with a spork. Take the initiative: if you want to beat a business rival in the office... use a baseball bat with a long nail in it.

Virgo: You will be uncomfortable all day, you got dressed in the car this morning and you still have on the hookers panties. Don't eat a bagel with cream cheese, it makes you poop funny. If you want to get a lot done today, you probably shouldn't go to work. Always use the shiny part of a mirror to see your reflection.

Libra: With Jupiter having a bad hair day, you must remember to knock on wood every time someone says the work debenture in a finance meeting. Everybody knows something but you don't know squat so keep your mouth shut. Your roommate is doin' it with your girlfriend…right now.

Scorpio: There will be confusion in your office this week, at the slightest sense that something is wrong, push people out of the way and head for the fire exit. You are right about everything, all the time but no one else thinks so. Shout obscenities at a random child in the street. Flex your creative muscles, spray paint someone's briefcase on the subway.

Sagittarius: With Venus in the House of Mars and Mars in the house of Susan, be sure to have all the pens in your desk lined up. You are a serious thinker, spend most of the day wondering why hot dogs come in packs of ten but hot dog buns come in packs of 8. 

Capricorn: If you need to add two numbers together today, use a calculator. Trust no one but tell everyone your deepest most dire secret…you know the one about the salamanders in your overalls. Mercury is super duper disruptive today so don't forget your tin-foil hat.

Aquarius: If someone asks you to lunch, say yes or no. When the boss mistakenly stops by your desk to congratulate you on the Foontzerman Contract, take all the credit. Then be prepared for a well-deserved beating from your co-workers. If your mother calls you, it's because your Dad didn't.

Pisces: Today is a great day to trim your nose hairs…at your desk. With Saturn and Jupiter about to collide producing a shockwave that will push the Earth into the fiery reaches of the sun, plan a party. Today some pens will have ink in them.

I'm comfortable with my sexuality...

In the Office...

Obviously everyone is talking about the snow.

Me: We got over 14 inches…how bad was it near you?

Jorge: About a foot.

Me: And that’s not the worst part, I’m getting another 10 inches tonight.

Jorge: Oh yeah? What’s his name?

Me: (shaking his hand) Bravo, sir, Bravo.

Say, Dave…guess what?

More fuckin' snow! That's what!

Wait…what? Why?

It…is...

..FUCKING SNOWING AGAIN!!!!

Please won't someone make it stop?

If it's not too much trouble...

Too much rum?

I've never done a post on a vacation before. To be honest before a few years ago, I had not really "done" vacations. Recently we had an opportunity (that would come back to haunt us years later) to go to a first class resort.

So I'll take you through our family vacation/wedding from start to finish. It promises to be long winded and very detailed and if I'm really lucky, it may even be entertaining in some fashion.

Ok…alright…here we go...

So... I hate to fly. And it doesn't help that Ava insists on studying the safety information card. Why don't they call that what it is? "Information you should have listened to when you sat down and now you desperately need it because the plane is about to land on water where it clearly cannot".

Anyway, Im trying to ignore her and reading SkyMall Magazine (the catalog for people whose IQ's drop when they board an aircraft).

Me: (reading quietly and trying not to think about how anything as big and heavy as this plane could possibly stay in the air without the help of the Hand of God.)

Ava: Daddy, can the plane really land in water?

Me: I don't want to talk about it.

Ava: Dad-eee, c'mon…what are these floating things?

Me: I don't want to talk about t.

Ava: Are you scared?

Me: No way…Im all man!

Ava: ?

Me: The floating things are slides that open automatically from the emergency exits to let us all get out safely, we slide down them, it would be fun. See Im not scared.

Ava thinks about this and I go back to the catalog…page 34: The Make a Beret for your Dog Kit. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ava getting ready to ask another question, I contemplate hiding in the bathroom until we take off.

Ava: So…do you know where the emergency exits are?

Me: (Hesitantly): Yes I do... now let Daddy rest or he is going to hyperventilate.

Ava: Do you want a bag to breathe into?

Me: (looking at her funny because Im sure she got that from some tv show)…No,thank you.

Ava: (she points) There's an emergency exit…we're pretty close.

Me: That's great because I think I need to use it right now.

Ava: You need to relax.

Me: ?

So I hate flying and I hate traveling for really long periods of time. Soooo, you can imagine how thrilled I was at the prospect of driving an hour to a hotel in Philadelphia, staying overnight, getting up at 4am, taking a shuttle to the airport, going to bag-check, going thru security, flying to Puerto Rico, walking 18 gates, going thru security, hanging out at Cinnabon, taking a puddle jumper to Tortola and then a van to the docks and then a boat to the resort.

Whew…it was 13 hours start to finish. The only consolation is that if it wasn't difficult to get to the British Virgin Islands…then I guess everyone would go there.

That's right, after 10 days of being brought drinks on the beach, food at my beck and call, massages and someone making my bed, I have become a huge snob. I no longer care to mix with the great unwashed. I can't...

I won't.

So after the aforementioned travel from hell..a trip only to be surpassed in length by our travel home (let's not think about that now), we found ourselves boarding a small private yacht to take us to the Little Dix Bay Resort. Some sort of tropical rum punch drink was handed out to us…I think it was called something quaint like a Yowza? a Wahoo? Maybe it was a Caribbean Concussion?…something like that.

We finally start to relax…well not all of us...Ava is of course bouncing around like a lab monkey on meth.

As we enjoyed our drink, we noticed that the skies were darkening. Now at this point I wasn't completely spoiled yet so I didn't turn my nose to the sky and say something Thurston Howell the Thirdish like, "Clouds? On my vacation?…How pedestrian".

Instead I thought…"It's the Caribbean, clouds pass through all the time and then the sun is back like 10 minutes later.

The Caribbean should never look like this.

Now some of you may have gotten that Gilligan's Island reference above…but here comes another, more accurate one. If you've seen the start of that show, you remember the song goes "The weather starting getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed"…and then they show a really crappy model boat (clearly being filmed in a bathtub) being slapped around by waves.

And that's exactly what happened next.

So we are speeding along and the waves are getting higher. My father (who cannot swim by the way) and I are on the back of the boat under a canvas tarpaulin, we are taking turns swinging from the metal frame…cause that's what stupid people do, I guess. The mild salty sea spray that was moments earlier gently kissing our cheeks is now a torrent of cold cobalt blue seawater just slapping the shit out of our faces.

Since we know almost nothing about ocean storms and apparently judging from the photos, even less about knowing when to actually worry, we are laughing hysterically and smiling like two people on leave from a mental institution and looking back I have no idea what the fuck we were thinking.

At one point, one of the crew climbed up to the deck to check on the captain who I expect was less interested in piloting the boat and more likely on his knees, hands clasped in prayer desperately trying to get through to Jesus.

Visibility was about four feet and I'm not sure but at one point I thought I saw the Kraken. I could have been wrong.

We finally pull into the bay, ease up to the dock where some of the staff have been waiting to take us and our bags to our rooms. As I get off, one of them offers me an umbrella. I wave him off as I could not have been wetter had I actually fallen into the ocean.

We are taken to our room. Beautiful design, great shower, big beds. We all change and order room service and then promptly pass out by 8pm.

As I fall asleep I'm thinking about what the staff member said…about how it rained all the previous week and the type of storm we just came through has not been seen for 20 years on these islands and now I'm worried that we will spend our week sitting under an umbrella drinking drinks with umbrellas in them…and crying.

The Next Day

I am awakened by the sound of gentle tapping on the front door. At first I think its the staff coming by to bring us breakfast in bed…then the Native New Yorker part of my brain kicks in and I realize it can only be a chainsaw-wielding maniac come to kill me.

A second later and … COCK A DOODLE DOO!

It turns out it was neither, this island it seems is festooned with chickens and roosters. They are all over the place and for the next week or so they'll be nature's alarm clock which is cute for the first few two days but eventually brings one to thoughts of making Coq Au Vin.

I get up and the first thing I do is open the curtains. I breathe a sigh of relief. It's early but it looks like it will be a great day.

And I was right.

18 degrees 27' 35" north   64 degrees 25' 57" west

Ava wanted to go out and walk around so we left Renee in the room and walked down the beach. Little Dix Bay is small. It's a bay protected from the ocean by a reef that is only open at the far left hand side where the boats come in. You can walk from one end to the other in about 20 minutes. 

So we wandered around the beach. Few people were up and it was quiet except for the birds and the sound of the surf.

The entire resort is one level, that is, there are no 2-story structures and each room has its own patio and beach front hut with lounges. Two dozen steps from your room and you are at the beach.

Time for breakfast... Just down from our room is the Pavillion, made up of multiple steepled open-walled structures, it serves as the main dining area. Unlike other resorts which have a half dozen restaurants, the majority of eating is done here or at the signature restaurant, The Sugar Mill.

So we sat down to suffer through breakfast, a terrible event full of custom-made omelets, fresh fruit, waffles, french toast, good coffee, cheeses, oatmeal and more. I don't know how I was able to get through it all, day after day.

Eventually, we made our way from the table to the room to begin the 35-minute process of getting Ava "sun-ready". By that I mean I must coat her (as per Renee's explicit instructions) in no less than a two-inch thick layer of sun-screen. I opt for no sunscreen because I am crazy and desperately want to feel the sun the way I haven't for the past 4 months.

I will, of course get more than I bargained for.

Ironically Ava is able to go straight into being tan without sunscreen but I learned a long time ago (6 years to be exact) just how much shit Renee will put up with in regards to our kid before she slaps me repeatedly about the face and neck.

To the Beach

Again, it was simply horrible…the accommodations, the view, the staff…it just was so bad. As evidenced by these un-retouched photos…

So we spent the day snorkeling, lounging, chasing fish and sea turtles, Ava collecting an estimated 12,781 shells and pieces of coral…every single one of which was extremely important and needed to be taken home.

And… can I take a moment here…I realize that I am a 45-year old fogey but I really like building sand castles. Unfortunately ,Ava simply cannot be trusted around them.

Pop and I spent a bit of time constructing a tower surrounded by a moat and some barrier walls to protect against the encroaching tide…pretty cool stuff but then Armaggedon showed up in this form…

Unlike Godzilla, she is cute…Much like Godzilla she only came to destroy.

So once the dust cleared and we finished crying over the wreckage, we gave up and consoled ourselves by drinking and lounging by the water…it's tough but someone had to do it.

Sand castle building and destruction repeated itself almost every single day, culminating in this verbal exchange…

Ava: That doesn't look good.

Grandfather: Young lady, you do know that I am architect, correct?

Ava: I still don't think you know what you are doing".

Sunset Cruise.

So we took a sunset cruise…I don't like that term, its sounds like the last time a 95 year old gets into a Cadillac.

Wait for it.

We had a chance to go around all the islands, went by The Baths, saw tons of yachts including one so large it had a helicopter on top of it. I guess for those times when you need to send out for Dominos and you just can't wait. 

We also came across this… it's NAKEDMAN!

Ava: "why is his ass is so white"?

Me: I…don't…know".

Ava took this picture of her grandfather. Ava thought he conveyed the look of a Captain.

This photo says: "I am on watch for pirates and potential attack by savage sharks".

Then I saw this picture.

This photo says "They didn't tighten the straps on my straightjacket too well".

Just at sunset we stopped the boat so we could take some pics.

Next Day…

… or a few days later, to be honest it was the first time in my life where I literally didn't know what day it was. Which going forward is the very way I define being on vacation.

Speaking of what happens when you don't wear sunscreen, here is a picture of my father, aka LobsterMan emerging from the sea.

At this point I'd like to mention Jimmy, he was our waiter on the beach. He took care of us spectacularly the entire time he was there. Always nearby, always quick to make sure we were taken care of. 

Jimmy: What can I get you gentlemen?

Pop: Sapphire and Tonic and keep em coming, Im getting married in a few hours.

Me: Well, not too many, I need him to be able to get to the wedding…hopefully with pants on.

Jimmy: Here's what I'll do, I'm working the restaurant this afternoon, if he's still drunk, come find me, we'll get him dressed and I'll help you carry him to the garden for the ceremony.

Me: Great, you know Jimmy this almost makes up for you thinking he and I were brothers.

Jimmy: Well I only meant that he looked so young, you must be brothers.

Me: Smooth….very smooth.

The Massage

So Renee scheduled me a massage which I said I didn't need but that just proved how stupid I am.  Sense Spa was amazing, the massage therapist, Widi did an amazing job of fixing the constant ache at the base of my spine that comes from sitting in the office so much only exerting myself to reach for a new pack of Skittles.

So there I was face down, just starting to relax when it started…the kneading.

There was rough kneading of my buttocks…so, so, so much kneading of the buttocks.

Afterwards, I was led out to what just may be one of man's greatest inventions and I cannot stress this enough...

Naked Outdoor Shower!

Best…shower…ever!

The Hike

After my massage, I thought: Here I am completely relaxed, my back feels great, I could just float away on feelings of Pure Zen so why don't I do something completely stupid like hike the trail behind the spa and why don't I do it in flip flops, the professional hiker's choice in footwear?

I wanted to get to the top of the island and get some pics of the resort. The trail was quiet, loaded with land crabs and snails and tons and tons of lizards and iguanas.
The trail is only a half mile long but when you don't know how far you've gone or how much more there is, you keep telling yourself the top is just over the next hill.

Well, it wasn't…and it wasn't after the next hill either, or the one after that and so on. I started having thoughts of someone finding my body, dehydrated and filthy, camera in one hand and a family of lizards camping on my face.

But I made it.

Climbing the trail was the first stupid thing I did that day, the second was taking this photo. In order to get it, I had to take off my shoes, stand on some smooth lava boulders in high wind with my camera over my head hoping I didn't get blown half way down the mountain through a field of this...

Needless to say I didn't fall or break my ankles and my face was not molested by any lizards, and I finally made my way back to my room. Then down to the beach to have another rum drink…The Lookout! or The Blindspot…oh wait, it was The Painkiller…and fresh Grouper Tacos with Chipotle mayo...good stuff.

The Wedding.

I'm editing this last portion in 2017, anyone reading this will understand 

why I pulled bunch of photos from this post...

No need to write much, Ill let the photos speak for themselves…

As an added bonus here is Ava in her flower-girl headband.

And me in the same headband…who looks prettier?

I think we all know the answer to that.