Aires: If someone calls you a jerk, they're either right or wrong. Cross the street at the light or in the middle of the block, it doesn't matter. Be careful to match your socks this morning. Mercury is spinning backwards this week and that can mean romantic entanglements.
Taurus: Don't plug in your toaster except on Tuesday or Wednesday. Vary your routine as much as possible but don't change anything in your life. Tell the barista at Starbucks your name is Batman. Bring an umbrella if it looks like rain. That girl you spent the night with sure had a big Adam's Apple, didn't she?
Gemini: Don't dry your hair after you shower. When you go outside look up. You will meet a man wearing a pink carnation. Remember, Mars is having an Occluded Fezziwig today and you know what that means! Don't let anyone tell you different…those pants fit you fine.
Cancer: Put a tiny sombrero on your dog, he will hate you for it. Don't sign any contracts today, unless you want to. Romance is in the cards today so be sure to say I love you to every person you meet. If you don't wipe properly Uranus will smell.
Leo: Handing out dollar bills in the subway will get bums to like you. Don't take the D train today or the R, N, E, C or B trains. Order spaghetti at lunch but eat it with a spork. Take the initiative: if you want to beat a business rival in the office... use a baseball bat with a long nail in it.
Virgo: You will be uncomfortable all day, you got dressed in the car this morning and you still have on the hookers panties. Don't eat a bagel with cream cheese, it makes you poop funny. If you want to get a lot done today, you probably shouldn't go to work. Always use the shiny part of a mirror to see your reflection.
Libra: With Jupiter having a bad hair day, you must remember to knock on wood every time someone says the work debenture in a finance meeting. Everybody knows something but you don't know squat so keep your mouth shut. Your roommate is doin' it with your girlfriend…right now.
Scorpio: There will be confusion in your office this week, at the slightest sense that something is wrong, push people out of the way and head for the fire exit. You are right about everything, all the time but no one else thinks so. Shout obscenities at a random child in the street. Flex your creative muscles, spray paint someone's briefcase on the subway.
Sagittarius: With Venus in the House of Mars and Mars in the house of Susan, be sure to have all the pens in your desk lined up. You are a serious thinker, spend most of the day wondering why hot dogs come in packs of ten but hot dog buns come in packs of 8.
Capricorn: If you need to add two numbers together today, use a calculator. Trust no one but tell everyone your deepest most dire secret…you know the one about the salamanders in your overalls. Mercury is super duper disruptive today so don't forget your tin-foil hat.
Aquarius: If someone asks you to lunch, say yes or no. When the boss mistakenly stops by your desk to congratulate you on the Foontzerman Contract, take all the credit. Then be prepared for a well-deserved beating from your co-workers. If your mother calls you, it's because your Dad didn't.
Pisces: Today is a great day to trim your nose hairs…at your desk. With Saturn and Jupiter about to collide producing a shockwave that will push the Earth into the fiery reaches of the sun, plan a party. Today some pens will have ink in them.
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