In a nutshell...

An exerpt from the God Bless America Script
by Bobcat Goldthwait

CubicleMate: So what about you Frank? You see that freak on American Superstars last night?

Frank: What?

CM: Last night, the freak on American Superstars.

Frank: No…I mean yes….I saw that guy accidentally. I don't watch American Superstars.

CM: You don't watch it…but you saw it? Right…what are you too good for the show?

Frank: Yeah…I'm too good for a Karaoke contest that makes stars out of people with no talent.

CM: You can't say that dude. Some of those kids have real talent.

Frank: No... they don't. They have good pitch, they're relatively clean, they're non-threatening to little girls and old ladies. They have the ability to stand in line with a stadium full of other desperate and confused people. But I assure you, they are talent free.

CM: Yeah well I bet that 32 million people would disagree with you bro. Cause thats how many people called in to vote last year on the finale.

Frank: I wish I was a super genius inventor and could come up with to make a telephone into an explosive device that was triggered by the American Superstars voting number. The battery could explode and leave a mark on their face so I could know who to avoid talking to before they even talked. Yeah… I could look and say, mmmm…no, you're not gonna be saying anything that's gonna add any value to my life.

CM: Yeah..but it's funny. I mean you gotta admit that...Steven Clark? Thats funny shit, Frank.

Frank: Its not nice to laugh at someone who not all there. Its the same type of freak show distraction that comes along every time a mighty empire starts collapsing. American Superstars is the new Colosseum and I won't participate in watching a show where the weak are torn apart every week for our entertainment. I'm done, really. Everything is so cruel now. I just want it all to stop.

Two women walk by complaining about how many kids Angelina Jolie has.

Frank: I mean, nobody talks about anything anymore. They just regurgitate everything they see on TV, or hear on the radio or watch on the web. When was the last time you had a real conversation with somebody without someone texting or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head? You know, a conversation about something that wasn't celebrities, gossip, sports or pop politics? You know something…something important. Or something personal.

CM: You know what…Taint and Jeff (radio personalities like Howard Stern) were talking about that this morning.

Frank's head drops into his hands.

CM: They were saying how their freedom of speech is in jeopardy…

CM sees Frank holding his head, says…What? you don't listen to them either?

Frank: No…I dont.

CM: Laughs..What are you more of a KT and the Snakepit kind of guy? Cause those guys are pussies, Frank, alright and they stole everything they got from Taint + Jeff.

Frank: I really don't like any of them.

CM: How can you say that bro? So maybe they aren't "politically correct" but it's funny Frank.

Frank: Well, seeing as how Im not afraid of foreigners or people with vaginas, I guess Im just not their target audience.

CM: You don't get it. If you got it, you wouldn't be so offended.

Frank: Oh I get it and I am offended.Not because I got a problem with bitter predictable whiny millionaire disk jockeys complaining about celebrities or how tough their life is while I live in an apartment with paper-thin walls next to a couple of neanderthals who instead of a baby decided to give birth to some kind of nocturnal civil defense air raid siren that goes off every fuckin night like its Pearl Harbor.

I'm not offended that they act like its my responsibility to protect their rights to pick on the weak like pack animals or that we're supposed to support their freedom of speech when they don't give a fuck about yours or mine.

CM: So you're against Freedom of Speech now? Thats in the Bill of Rights, man.

Frank: struggling not to kill the guy and hissing thru his teeth... I would defend their freedom of speech if I thought it was in jeopardy. I would defend their freedom of speech to tell uninspired, bigoted, blow job, gay bashing, racist  and rape jokes all under the guise of being edgy but that's not the edge… that's what sells. They couldn't possible pander any harder or be more commercially mainstream because this is the "Oh no you didn't say that" generation where a shocking comment has more weight than the truth. No one has any shame anymore…and we're supposed to celebrate it.

I saw a woman throw a used tampon at another woman last night on network television on a network that bills itself as "Today's Woman's Channel". Kids beat each other blind and post it on YouTube…I mean, do you remember when eating rats and maggots on Survivor was shocking? It all seems to quaint now. Im sure the girls from "2 Girls 1 Cup" are gonna have their own dating show on VH-1 any day now.

I mean…why have a civilization anymore if we no longer are interested in being civilized?

Good advice...

Opposable thumbs are overrated...

So the hurricane has come and gone, things are slowly returning to normal for many people. And the MTA is looking to get back to supplying the people of New York with its trademark awesome service. 

In order to "help" the residents of the city, they have come up with a plan so overwhelmingly smart that it appears to have been fashioned from the mind of a mental patient...  they are running express trains every 2 minutes that are carrying perhaps 28 people total and to balance that they are running local trains every 20 minutes that are carrying no less than 68,000 passengers.

As I was standing on the platform, knowing I would miss my bus connection and get home late again, I thought...

the MTA is like a bunch of chimps trying to pour water into a glass...

...it's a really simple job but somehow they're gonna fuck it up just the same.

So...who wants to go first?

So, we are on the bus returning from Epcot. It's only 3 in the afternoon but because its been 96 degrees and humid all day it feels like we have been taking turns climbing a mountain carrying a 500 lb. sweaty fat guy covered in rubber cement...through hell.

Ava takes a six and a half minute nap, wakes and suddenly goes into overdrive.

She wants to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. But not just the normal version of the game...

Oh, no...that game is too boring she says...she want to change the game a bit.

Now it's Rock, Paper, Poop, Gun, Fart... and she has already worked out the rules which she begins to share by speaking entirely too loud on a packed bus...

Paper cover Poop.
Rock breaks Fart.
Fart catches Paper.
Gun shoots Poop...which she refers to as Poop Shoot.
Poop goes in your Face.

Needless to say no one wanted to play.

Are you sure that's what Snoop said?

We are in DisneyWorld for our family vacation.

We are  having dinner when Ava has one of her "moments"…those are the fantastically entertaining episodes in which she decides that she needs to exercise some creative license over reality.

She suddenly stands up in our booth and loudly announces…

It's time for the Ava Marchisotto Experience featuring Ava!

I whisper/shout "Sit down! We're in Public"!

She continues...

"Wave your hands in the air"!

Renee and I wait for the follow up line, "And wave em around like you just don't care"…

Ava continues...

"And smack someone in the face"!

So...where's the remote?

As an experiment, I have decided to subject myself to a full 24 hours of television. I will watch in 30 minute increments unless I happen upon something so vile, that I simply can’t take it. For instance, anything starring Paris Hilton or Hulk Hogan. I begin at…

5:00 am 
The Too-Freakin Early Show – 2 fairly non-descript idiots from the bottom of the network food chain are forced to kill time knowing full well that their audience consists of heroin addicts, elderly insomniacs and nurses coming off-shift. Highlights this morning include a ”healthy version” recipe for clam dip that substitutes tofu for clams and a vital report on how to keep you sock drawer manageable.

5:30 am 
Infomercial for The SchmuckCo Hair Tweedler 2000. We watch in awe as a group of unsuspecting idiots culled from the local mall in Fort Lauderdale will be subjected to this strange device which in the end will provide none of what it promises and eventually lead to a class-action suit brought by several hair-traumatized victims.

6:00 am
Random Infomercial – DO NOT CHANGE THAT CHANNEL!  YOU ARE ABOUT TO WITNESS THE CULMINATION OF ALL OF MAN’S TECHNOLOGY. HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO GET RID OF YOUR EYEBROWS BUT DIDN’T KNOW HOW?, THEN THIS IS THE PRODUCT FOR YOU! The Browzer Ultra is here, today! Would you believe that for only 8 payments of $45 not including shipping and handling, you could be the owner of this revolutionary hair care device? Why just tak…CLICK!

Wheel of Fortune – You know the drill, Vanna in bad clothes, spins letters when they light up and yet somehow in every show, there’s a point in which a pathetic housewife from Michigan can’t figure out this sentence: THE STAR SPAN_GLED BANNER. 

6:30 am
TeleTubbies – What in the name of holy fuck is going on here? Several multi-colored imbeciles dance around making non-sensical noise and babbling incessantly… and yet it is strangely soothing.

7:00 am
Denise Austin – Exercise show hosted by a woman with a porn star’s body and a voice like Valium.  I don’t see how anyone gets through her workout. She just makes me want to whack-off and go back to bed as soon as possible.

7:30 am
Digimon – Yet another attempt to lull American children into buying yet another set of endless multi-colored cards which will eventually lead to several eye-poking arguments over who is a cooler character.

8:00 am
She-Creature (MOVIE) – Plot centers around a crazy woman that occasionally gets pissed off at men and disembowels them at quite a clip before eventually being killed herself. Sounds like a chick I dated in high-school.

8:30 am
The Wiggles – I have no idea what is going on here but if you’re looking for a show that is breeding the next generation of pedophiles, here you go.

9:00 am
Jerry Springer – Hello, I’m Jerry Springer (background chants of JER-RY! JER-RY!) and on today’s show we are going to have Jello Covered Ax-Wielding Atheist Maniacs and the Skinny Women Who Have Sex With Them and Their Dogs.

9:30 am
Judge Hatchett – 30 minutes of lawsuits that could never be held in a real court unless those courts were run by orangutans in suits. On today’s show Estelle WarmBush is being sued by Bunni Wilkins over her promise to “Do her dog’s hair up right for the barn dance” and then proceeding to shave the words “Ass Chicklet” on the dog’s back.

10:00 am
Regis and Kelly – Good God, what’s next? Today... Regis (old enough to know better) and Kelly (basically a bunch of sloppyily-assembled rubber bands held together with Botox) host a 29-year old skateboarder, whose parents must be so proud now that he has achieved his goal of being on this insipid excuse for programming. He will show off his skills by jumping over co-host Kelly Ripa who is only about 20 inches wide.

10:30 am
Christopher Lowell – Overlly effeminate interior designer Chris will show how you too can get a cute overdone lisp in just three-weeks. Also he’ll show how you can take an old lamp, glue shit to it and then come to the realization that after all your work, time and money that it’s still going into the trash.

11:00 
Jerry Springer – On today’s show: Men Who Used To Be Female Welders Living In Sin With Their First Cousins Who Must Reveal Their Secret Love Affairs With Their Old Broken Washing Machines. 

11:30 am
Infomercial – Hello! I’m an actor pretending to have an Australian accent. Isn’t it annoying? Well too bad, our studies show that Americans are 45% more likely to buy a stupid product from someone who doesn’t sound like they’re from Pig’s Trotter’s, Texas. I’m here to sell you the brand spankin new Testicle Buffer 7800. That’s right 7800 rpm’s of buffing power aimed directly at your precious fragile nutsack. How much would you pay for this…well don’t answer yet because if you call within the next 45 days, we’ll throw in the ButtWipe O’Matic for free! And there’s more, wh…CLICK!

12:00 pm
Fox News at Noon – DISASTER!, STRIFE!, CLOSEUPS OF AGONIZED FACES!, PAIN!, DEATH! AND HORROR! …Oh and Phil. Congenial rotund weatherguy with the weekend forecast.

12:30 pm
Golden Girls – The further adventures of three dried-up old hags forced to live together in a small retirement community surrounded by lecherous old men, perscription-medication sharing and dinners held at 4:30 in the afternoon. On today’s episode Bea Arthur rallies the old farts together to look for Estelle Getty’s dentures.

1:00 pm
Days of Our Lives – In an effort to reclaim the fans from all the other abysmally bad soaps on at the same time, the writers fly off the deep end  and throw off the shackles of reason with their newest plotlines: Aliens impregnate all the town women who give birth to babies that all look like Jon Lovitz and then lead a revolution in health care reform that can only be stopped by Kermit the Frog and his HandiCapable Vampire Manic-Depressive LunchLady Squadron. It just don’t get no better than this, does it?

1:30 pm
Classmates – Join us as we find pathetic slobs whose lives are so boring that they want to get in touch with people they were stupid enough to sleep with in the back seat of a Camaro in 11^th grade. Learn how many people look, act and have the same jobs that they did while in High School.

2:00 pm
Crossing Over – Escaped mental patient John Edwards takes advantage of semi-retarded audience members who haven’t been able to find a correlation between the questionnaire they fill out prior to the show and the fact that this idiot can divine their backgrounds during the show.

2:30 pm
Blind Date – A fascinating look into why men and women are unable to get together. Women learn that men think its OK to discuss the possibility of anal sex before they even get to the appetizers and men learn that women are shy prudes.

3:00 pm
Jerry Springer – Today’s bout of dementia: Ex Porn-Star Moms Who Are Pregnant By Their Midget Dry Cleaners And Hiding It From Their Grandparents...CLICK!

Star Trek: The Next Generation – Will Riker is forced to take over command of the Enterprise when Captain Picard becomes cranky and must be put down for a nap. In an alternate plotline, security is unable to get teenager Wesley Crusher off the holodeck where he has been locked into a Hugh Hefner simulation for the past three and half weeks with a 50 gallon drum of vaseline.

3:30 pm
A Wedding Story – Come along with us as we watch a terrified and completely unprepared man be dragged into matrimonial bliss whether he likes it or not. Highlights include the groom-to-be’s castration in front of his male friends, attending a bonfire made from his porno stash and a visit to the salon for a manicure to ensure the last vestiges of his manhood are swept away.

4:00 pm
JAG – I couldn’t tell you the plot of this show if I tried since I was completely and utterly engrossed in the reality-defying boobs of the lead actress, Catherine Bell, whom I am now convinced was placed on Earth by a mean bastard of a God.

4:30 pm
Trading Spaces – Follow uber-perky Paige Davis as she once again proves that the majority of homeowners have an interior design sense usually found in semi-conscious hobos.

5:00 pm
Star Trek : Deep Space Nine – Sisko demands that the Cardassians bring coffee and donuts when they visit DS9. Hilarity ensues when Commander Ducat laces Sisko’s Latte Frappacino with Strontium 90.

5:30 pm
Judge Judy – Today’s case: Highly unattractive 22-year old grandaughter of questionable genetics sues 88-year old Grandmother of questionable mental capacity for offering herself to the granddaughter’s 23-year old fiancé of questionable dental history.

6:00 pm
CSI: Bensonhurst - Join us as Vinny, Big Peety, Philly DaBones and Tino try to solve the mystery of a man found dead with cannolis stuffed in his nose.

6:30 pm
National News – Here is where the real fun can be had. Monotonous droning newscasters plod on about all those things that no one cares about. To show that Dan Rather is still on the cutting edge of hip, they do a segment on Outkast’s newest single “Hey Ya”, but he refers to the song incorrectly three times, calling it “Hey You”, “HeHa” and “HeeBoo”.

7:00 pm
Fear Factor – Young twenty something pinheads agree to do just about anything in pursuit of $50,000 which of course will be gone 2 months after their relatives and the government hears about it. Tonight the contestants will be spun at high speed in a centrifuge and then asked to complete a job application while dizzy, consume a bucket of a homeless man’s vomit and be thrown into the ocean with an anchor tied to their ankles.

7:30 pm
Seinfeld – The one where Kramer comes crashing into Jerry’s apartment like a victim of a spastic colon in desperate search of a bathroom. Wait… isn’t that every episode?

8:00 pm
Yes Dear – Greg shows the viewing audience that yet again there is room for another show in which men are characterized as bumbling idiots who can’t remember their anniversary and continually forget how many children they have but still want to have sex even though their wives are mad at them. 

Editors Note: If you are unable to find this show, please substitute: Everybody Loves Raymond, King of Queens, Still Standing, Two and a Half Men, According to Jim…the list goes on and on.

8:30 pm
Simple Life – Sycophantic Imbecile Materialist Sluts Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie arrange to live on a farm with what seems to be a decent hardworking family that I hope were paid well for the amount of shame and aggravation they will be stigmatized with until the end of time.

9:00 pm
Elimidate – Two guys fight for the right to take a woman on a date. Short of killing the other guy, it’s open season!  The winning couple gets a coupon for free frozen yogurt at TCBY. Coupon valid on Wednesday only from 3:00 to 3:15 pm.

9:30 pm
Half & Half – Yet another UPN (Unfunny Peoples Network) show in which a group of African American women complain about the men in their lives. For those of you with HBO, the cracker version is called Sex in the City.

10:00 pm
Tonight on CNN Strike Back with Crossfire as Bill O’Reilly Shouts on the Larry King Show. A dozen idiots who all claim to have everyone’s best interests at heart and of course a plan to save society from itself proceed to shriek and yell for a full hour with commercials thrown in every 20-30 seconds to ensure that no one gets to finish a sentence .

10:30 pm
Ripley’s Believe it Or Not – Tonight a man with 3 lips, a tribe in South America that slaps midgets to make music and a 58 year old man with the brain of a 6 year old…Hey! how did they get Bill O'Reilly on this show?

11:00 pm
Local News on NBC – All the news you missed a few scant hours ago and some new stuff designed to make you fear every innocuous thing in your home…DON’T CHANGE THE CHANNEL OR YOU WONT FIND OUT HOW YOUR FABRIC SOFTENER COULD BE POISONING YOUR CAT, MR. BINKELS!

11:30 pm
CSI: Tulsa –  New case: Dead Cow: Farmer did it.

11:35 pm
David Letterman – Tonight Dave chats with Julia Roberts, throws giant bowls of Tapioca off the roof and makes light of funny news articles.

Jay Leno – Tonight Jay chats with Julia Roberts, eats Tapioca with a security guard in his parking lot and makes light of funny news articles.

12:00 pm
Conan O’Brien – Tonight Conan chats with Julia Roberts, throws up Tapioca and makes light of funny news articles.

12:30 am
The Man Show – 30 minutes of beer, broads and bozos. But let’s keep in mind that it is the only show on television today that has scantily-clad girls jumping on trampolines.

1:00 am
Antiques Roadshow – Franklin T. Woolibimmer III inspects the filthy useless detritus culled from the basements, attics and garages of the nation in hopes of finding one true treasure. Today’s show boasts a man who claims to have a certified booger from the left nostril of Marie Antoinette.

1:30 am
Star Trek – Captain Kirk bones a purple chick and follows it up with a green chick threesome and caps off the evening with a striped chick and her checkered past (rimshot). Also in a minor plot line, the Klingons blow up the Earth.

2:00 am
Three’s Company – Jack and Janet finally get fed up and smack the shit out of Crissy after she does that snort laugh one time too many. Two part episode.

2:30 am
Three’s Company – Jack and Janet are forced to dig a hole in the backyard to bury Crissy after the smacking gets a little out of hand.

3:00 am
Infomercial – Hello, I’m Ron Popeil, creator of The CornHoler, The Backyard ScrewBoy and The Home Lobotomy System... but today I want to introduce you to my newest creation: Ass In A Can. Yes, Ass In A Can. How many nights have you sat depressed and alone in your dank squalid bedroom above the neon-soaked bowling alley and thought, if only I had some…CLICK!

3:30 am
Access Hollywood – Tune in as two sycophants insert themselves into the lives of legitimately famous people in an effort to get some of it to rub off on them. Watch as they ask inappropriate questions in front of the celebrities children, see how they attach themselves remora-like to the celebrities legs even as they try to run away.

4:00 am
Lost in Space – Pedophile doctor is left in charge of ugly child and hilarity ensues.

4:30 am
ESPN Sports Center – 30 minutes in which we have crammed every single sports event of the day. You name it, we have it. Footage from everything from baseball to jai alai. From Argentinina Bocce to Japanese SquirrelWhacking. We’ve got it.

This concludes today’s broadcasts...thank god.

Just Take a Look Around...

Aaron Sorkin's The Newsroom revolves around an old school news anchor whose rant about the decline of America goes viral. The rant is classic Sorkin, the kind of monologue you want to memorize and repeat the next time someone talks about American exceptionalism...

"And yeah you, sorority girl, just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there are some things you should know. And one of them is there is absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we’re the greatest country in the world". 

"We’re 7th in literacy, 27th in math, 22nd in science, 49th in life expectancy, 178th in infant mortality, third in median household income, number four in labor force and number four in exports".

"We lead the world in only three categories. Number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real and defense spending where we spend more than the next 26 countries combined, 25 of whom are allies".

"Now none of this is the fault of a 20 year-old college student but you nonetheless are without a doubt a member of the worst period generation period ever period. So when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about".