Saturday, May 11, 2013

What Would Chuck Lorre Do...


CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #252
The following is an excerpt from my keynote speech at the 2009 SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY WRITERS OF AMERICA NEBULA AWARDS.

When I was 12 years old, my teenage sister had a boyfriend whom my parents lovingly named "Cross-Eyed Larry." In my official capacity as the "obnoxious little brother," I took it upon myself to annoy and harass poor Larry at every opportunity. In fact, I specifically learned to cross my eyes so I could welcome him to our home with the appropriately juvenile comedic flair. (My mother constantly warned me that if I didn't stop doing that my eyes would stay crossed. 
In hindsight it appears as if she was lying or, at best, misinformed.) Anyway, my speech tonight is a long overdue attempt to make amends for my childish pestering and cruelty towards this polite young man whose only discernible character flaw was a poorly-aimed libido (no way he was getting over on my sister). 
But even more than an amends, I needed to find some way to thank him. And here's why: way back in 1964, Larry did something that would change my life forever. In order to get rid of me so he could stick his tongue down my sister's throat, Larry gave me a dog-eared copy of Ray Bradbury's The Martian Chronicles. His plan worked brilliantly. The book not only turned my prepubescent, Hardy Boys world upside down, it would begin my lifelong love affair with science fiction. 
Unfortunately, Cross-Eyed Larry was not so lucky. Ultimately rejected by my sister, he descended into a life of drugs and crime that ended tragically when he was murdered in Attica State Prison because another inmate thought he was looking at him funny.



Why does no one ever say that?


Upon exiting the bathroom…

“OK, you people are gonna have to lay off the air freshener...
I could barely smell myself fart in there”.



Why do people always say that?

Him: C'mon, man. It's like riding a bike.

Me: Yeah...if the bike was on fire and my feet were tied to the handlebars.



Can I get a minute here...

Our  office bathroom door hanger...





Shouldn't you two be working?


Chris is in charge of the radio at the office...

Chris: It’s your favorite song!

David: Oh, hell no it aint... that song sucks more balls than a gigantic vacuum cleaner 
at a golf course.

Chris: Like your mom?

David: Well...I mean she's good but she just couldn't keep up with that machine... you can get the video at www.mymomsuckstoomanyballz.com 

Chris: Ewwww

David: This is what I do.




Renee by Picasso...






A hero's origin isn't always interesting...


Recently my sister sent over the... let's call them "Pre-Production" photos from the some-say brilliant but flawed and ill-fated Captain Bloomers Video I submitted to MTV years ago when I was attempting to get onto Who Wants To Be A Superhero.

Looking at them now, I realize that I clearly had too much time on my hands.

But also a real talent for convincing otherwise rational people to do stupid things.

I also thought that if you weren't familiar with us or what this was really for, you might think you stumbled upon some behind the scenes photos from a under-funded, poorly done gay porn shoot.

So without further blathering, with little explanation and in no particular order...




 I'm here for the audition, they told me to wear clean underwear?



 Reviewing the script by (an uncredited) Terrence Malick.
Rick is apparently "adjusting his HoJo's".



 Costume Fitting.



Costume Fitting or Wedgie in Progress, I'm not sure.
Perhaps more "HoJo Adjusting"?



Getting motivational talk from my co-star, a student of the "You Can Pick 
Your Nose, You Can Pick Your Friends" Academy of Drama.



 Top or Bottom?



Ready for my closeup.



Mentally preparing for the epic Battle in a Suburban Living Room 
scene which will eventually win us Best Oscar for Poor Editing.



My Co-Star adjusting his "HoJo's".



Preparing for the next scene by listening to FallOut Boy.
Just like Sir Ian McKellen.



Rick strikes a pose for the Publicity Photos.



I cant even imagine what's happening here at all.



And that's a wrap...a very, very gay wrap.