Ava: My baby doesn't like you.
Me: I don't care, I don't like your baby. (I lean over and flick the dolls head)
Ava: Ooooohh. Im going to tell on you.
Me: Who are you gonna call, the police?
Ava: Yes... (Picks up a plastic Elmo phone).
"Hello police. You have to come get my Dad".
She pauses as if listening for the response.
Ava: "Why do you have to get him"?
Ava: "Cause he is a pain in the ass".
Michele: David, who does Ivan work for?
Me: Ivan?... Ivan the Terrible?…I think he was one of those self-starter tyrants.
I don’t think they like to work for other people.
Michele: I hate you.
The Social Networking Invitation of the Decade!
1. Do you feel left out?
2. Are you so in desperate need of social significance that you troll the internet and try to make friends among the 168 million people who all claim to be someone cool but are in actuality 13-year old boys looking for photos of girls kissing?
3. Is your brain so damaged from staring at your FaceBook page that you think Sarah Palin is a viable choice for our government? Have you "friended' Sarah Palin? Did you wear protection?
4. Do you spend your Saturday nights plugged into your laptop trading stupid comments with other people in your social network while normal people are out drinking and having sweaty, freaky monkey-sex?
5. Do you spend lot of time alone at home? Do you touch yourself inappropriately?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then worry no more! I have created the greatest social network ever...
ASSBOOK!
Yes, Assbook. The better alternative to FaceBook, a social network the likes of which has never been seen. See, when I was growing up, back during the Late Cretaceous Period, we had to physically go outside and make friends and then engage them in conversation.
Little did I know that years later most conversations would take place online and look like this ...
KewlDude: What's up, what's going on?
HotChik289: Nothing, how bout you?
KewlDude: Nothing
BoinkBoy212: WAZZUP!
KewlDude: What's up BoinkBoy?
HotChik289: What's going on?
BoinkBoy: Nothing, how bout you guys?
BoinkBoy212: WAZZUP!
BoinkBoy212: WAZZUP!
HotChik289: Nothing, how bout you?
KewlDude: Nothing.
BoinkBoy: Cool.
Isn't that riveting! What scintillating dialogue!
Well on AssBook, you don't have to worry about that, because we don't have anything like it. All we have is a picture of a giant ass for you to stare at for hours and hours. That way when your friends want to know why you are ignoring them, you'll have a good reason.
AssBook: The Future is Ignoring Reality and It Starts Today!
"Right now this is just a job.
If I advance any higher...that would make this my career.
And if this were my career, I would have to throw myself in front of a train.
So, really, it's a matter of life and death".
Jim, from The Office on NBC.
Me: “So, babe, Im thinking of going to the memorial in my Batman Costume.
Wife: “Sounds like something you would do”.
Me: And during my sister's reading, Im going to swing in from a chandelier, crash into the podium, grab my sister by the shirt and when she says “Who the hell are you”? Ill look into her very soul and say “IM BATMAN!” Then Ill jump to the floor and yell “Whoosh!” and run out the back of the church.
Wife: “Whatever…just promise me you won’t pee in the holy water basin again”.
Me: “I promise NOTHING! …Whoosh”! And then I ran off.
So I think I have to wear a suit.
