The following came from some notes that were enclosed in a wine shipment. I won’t say more than that except a great deal of what is written here is verbatim from the notes, that is to say, I haven’t altered what was written. You’ll often be hard pressed as I was to figure out what is real and what I added. Enjoy…
Dear Friends
As I have previously mentioned, 2015 is considered one of Napa Valley’s greatest vintages of all time, at least until next year when I try to push that same lie on you again.When everyone think’s it’s a great vintage, this is when a winemaker needs to pay the most attention for now is the time when he can push an absolutely ungodly amount of cheap hooch onto you, the unsuspecting, pretentious and downright idiotic customers.
2015 was a powerful and dense vintage which gives winemakers a serious boner. We have little margin for error and we must be careful. For me personally, extraction is the key factor and by that I mean doing my damnedest to extract all the money I can from your wallets. It also means coming up with lots of big fancy and oftentimes confusing words that contain so much bullshit, you really should put on a pair of hip waders before you read these stupid little notes I send you.
Anyhow, extraction…extraction is the key factor for you must ensure that the varietals were extracted the correct way for that given year, this year we extracted them sideways if you must know. If you pushed extraction on a masculine varietal like Cabernet Sauvignon you could potentially go overboard and make it a confused little wine, like that time in college when you thought you were gay.
For the wine in your shipment, the aforementioned (like that word?) Cabernet Sauvignon, I decided to try a commonly used blend in Australia (land of boomerangs, giant cans of beer and Mad Max) that few producers make in Napa Valley. We blended Cabernet Sauvignon which was extracted to be framed and concentrated kind of like the overly sweetened Bug Juice you had in summer camp when you were 11 years old to match the silky aspect of the warmer climate Syrah. In a year as dense as 2015, it is nice to balance the masculine side of Cabernet with the feminine and sexy side of Syrah.
It literally makes my underwear damp just writing these words.
An epic vintage and stunning vineyard site can produce amazing wine. I mean you just can’t put some vines at the closed municipal dump unless you are ready to deal with the daily garbage fires breaking out every whichaway, knowwhutimean?
Our grapes comes from a highly regarded Stagecoach Vineyard in which each and every grape graduated summa cum laude from Harvard and that makes all the difference. It gives us a profile of density and concentration the likes of which haven’t been seen outside of a used cement mixer.
Our grapes comes from a highly regarded Stagecoach Vineyard in which each and every grape graduated summa cum laude from Harvard and that makes all the difference. It gives us a profile of density and concentration the likes of which haven’t been seen outside of a used cement mixer.
This wine is the very definition of raw power, intense sexuality and sophistication. On a really good date with a superhot chick you might be tempted to simply pour a bottle of it on your fragile man-parts to ensure a great end to your evening.
I welcome you to try my new wine. I challenge you to hold off drinking them until such time that you can get yourself one of those really good crazy straws. I personally defy you to not love this wine with such a fervor that you swear off women altogether and find some backwards country where they will allow you to marry the wine itself.
And I know that once you are done, sitting on the floor with those empty bottles, a potential head contusion and someones panties wrapped around your neck that you will come to the same conclusion that we all do in this business…
…that most wines are rarely better than a decent glass of Kool Aid.
Stefan Hochenloogie, Winemaker, General Manager and all around Snob.
Background: Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley, 2015
Color: Deep Dark Garnet, with hints of mahogany and perhaps a touch of teak and cherry.
On the Nose: Spicy with touches of thyme, sage, marzipan and chicken pot pie. Undertones of bacon, cheddar, potentially some ranch dip like you get with really good hotwings at Hooters, a whiff of bus station toilet seat, wood shavings, violet, Playdoh and just a hint of just-mown grass clippings.
On the Palate: Soft but fresh entrance on dark cherry, plums, mushroom soup and starfruit finishing with a huckleberry compote accompanied by the sounds of butterflies farting.
Blend: 67% Cabernet, 19% Syrah, 13% Kool Aid and 1% Alka Seltzer for some subtle carbonation.
Winemaker Notes: Overall 2015 was an epic year in Napa Valley vintages, we had limited rain with quite a bit of heat, that is to say that spring followed winter once again this year. Because the sun tends to be hot, we had to protect the grapes from overexposure which we did by tying up a bunch of old bedsheets, a mess of stained curtains and even one of Aunt Winnie’s mumu’s.
Because it was a hot year, we reached sugar ripeness quickly, however we had to be patient in order for the tannins to ripen. because we didn’t have to worry about the rain, we were able to pick at the optimum time or we wouldn’t have been able to foist these bottles of swill onto you, our fine customers.
Drinkability: Now to 3 weeks. No more, after that your gonna get the grape squirts something awful.
Enjoy!
