I think they're called Horrible-Scopes

At first I didn't know how to start this, it all sounded like I was making fun of people's beliefs but then I thought, this is my blog, it's supposed to reflect what I think and besides people who believe in astrology are just as simple as those who believe in psychics, alien abductions, feng shui, Creationism and palm reading.

So here goes...

Much like anyone with a functioning brain, I know Astrology is a bunch of bullshit. You only need to understand the bare minimum about stars and planets to know that objects tremendous distances away cannot affect your life on the little blue marble.

It's just six kinds of stupid.

And for the record because something dumb has persisted for thousands of years doesn't make it valid….it just means there are always just enough imbeciles who keep it alive.

I agree it can be fun to read a horoscope and find out that something in those very vague comments "comes true" but it's just coincidence.

You have a better shot with what's printed in fortune cookies.

If you want a scientific explanation, look up the "Forer Effect". It very clearly explains stupid behavior in stupid people...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forer_effect

So a few years ago, there was this big deal (in fact this has come up several times in the past) when an astronomy instructor named Parke Kunkle mentioned again how the astrology charts that are based on the constellations and stars (more on that in a minute) are actually out of alignment. He said: 

"that the Earth's wobbly orbit means it's no longer aligned to the stars in the same way as when the signs of the zodiac were first conceived, about 5,000 years ago". That means, Kunkle said, that when astrologers say the sun is in Pisces, it's really in Aquarius, and so on. "Astronomers have known about this since about 130 B.C."

He added: "This is not new news. Almost every astronomy class talks about it."

The horror of this all (horror-scope, heh), is that people literally started to flip out. People who believe in this crap were calling their astrologers because they were worried they were actually born under a different sign.

Here are some comments (poor grammar and mis-spelling intact) that I came across…take it with a grain of salt, these are from the interwebs…

Parke Kunkle needs to go sit down and shut up.....SOMEBODY PLEASE PUT A STfOP TO THIS MANS MADNESS....

I totally agree! Who is this guy? A teacher from podunk community college! Who the fuck is he to change the zodiac, which has been true for thousands of years! I am an aries all the way not a pisces.

i agree!! i dont want to change my tattoo design either just because this american is on a country wide power high!!! americans are dumb and dont have the right to change the way the world works just because they want to!!

You sir are ruining peoples lives because of your stupid finding.Now people will not know who they truly are.So i hope you have a miserable day knowing you ruined my life and day.

God I love people.

Of course this caused the astrologers to just about poop their pants because after all, they are just gosh darn tired of those astronomers with their science and facts coming in and screwing with the super-factual work of astrologers.

Of course, they're understandably worried, if everything they tell you is based on the wrong constellations, then they really don’t have a job anymore.

If you consider relieving stupid people of their money a job.

So they came up with another defense and said "no, no we don't use the constellations, we use the seasons on earth. Makes sense... fixed dates and times but this seems a little too convenient.

I believe they call this the "Rearranging of the deck chairs on the Titanic" defense. Let's continue.

From another article: Linda Zlotnick, an astrologer for 32 years in St. Paul, said she and fellow astrologers have long known of the issue raised by Kunkle, but that the most commonly used zodiac — tropical — isn’t affected by it. Zlotnick, also known as “Moonrabbit,” said the  sidereal zodiac, which isn’t as widely used, IS based on the constellations.

Moonrabbit? Yep… I can't see any reason not to take this space cadet seriously.

From the same article: A spokeswoman for the American Federation of Astrologers, Shelley Ackerman, said she’d been swamped with e-mails from worried clients. She advises them not to overreact. “This doesn’t change your chart at all. I’m not about to use it,” she said. “Every few years, a story like this comes out and scares the living daylights out of everyone, but it’ll go away as quickly as it came.”

And as we all know, ignoring the facts is what makes us great…at least thats what I was thinking the last time I was on a boat and thought I was going to fall off the edge of the world.

But something else presents itself here. There is an American Federation of Astrologers and they have been swamping her email account? I thought wow… there are a lot of simpletons with access to email.

I looked up todays' horoscopes so I could try and understand what was going on in the minds of any fool who thinks that this crap is a valid way to live and plan your life. Just read them and tell me that they don't apply to everyone, everywhere…and my translations are in red:

Aires: If you have hit a troubling time, don’t let it deter you from your plans. Friends play a big part in your life now and help you make the decisions needed to move forward. You may meet someone who can be influential, and suddenly everything falls into place. Stay positive.  If you run into a problem, solve it.

Taurus: Don’t get too comfortable in your routine, Taurus. Just when you think you have everything in place, something can change your plans. Be careful of being too rigid. This week, try to go with the flow. With Mars in your daily work zone, prepare for the unexpected. Try different things.

Gemini: Monitor your thoughts, Gemini. What you allow to enter your mind on a daily basis can strongly influence how you feel. The things you read, the TV programs you watch and, of course, the people you associate with all help to form your opinions and mood. What you think about is what you are thinking about.

Cancer: With Jupiter still in your sign, it will help to open doors. However, it’s up to you to recognize the signs and take the lead. You have the ability to put your ideas into action, but with Mercury about to go retrograde, don’t worry if there are delays. Everything will happen in good time. Stuff may happen and stuff may not.

Leo: If you want to win someone over to your side of an argument, appeal to their values to get their attention. To make influential people part of your support team, be amicable and approachable. Intelligently craft your approach to the power players, and you may get invited to their inner circle. Don't be an asshole and people may like you.

Virgo: Some people are predictable, but as soon as you assume you know what they will do, they can change their mind. There are few people you can totally rely on, so don’t take it for granted that someone else has completed everything to your high standard, Virgo. Don't count on anyone, they're all dickheads.

Libra: This next week, there can be confusion at work. You are strategic in how you weigh the pros and cons, and this can allow you to decide on the best way to proceed. There are many things to take into consideration before you feel comfortable enough to move forward. Before you make a decision, think about it.

Scorpio: You always think you know best — and you’re usually right! As conceited as that sounds, you are prepared to put in the extra hours to do a job well, which translates into knowledge and power. Still, it doesn’t hurt to take advice from those with something worthwhile to say, especially if it can help you creatively. You know everything…but really you don't.

Sagittarius: With planetary influences in your love and money zones, life will be busier, with opportunities in both areas. With Venus in your solar second house just out of retrograde and Mercury going retrograde in a few days, the week will be eventful. Thoughts are always racing through your head, and now is no exception. Things will happen this week.

Capricorn: Your private business is nobody else’s concern. If a secret has been entrusted to you, keep your lips sealed. It can end in mistrust (and drama) if you reveal something made for your ears only. Also, when you release information before it’s ready, it can jinx things – play it safe, and keep quiet. If someone tells you a secret don't tell anyone.

Aquarius: If a proposal is not laid out in black and white, especially if it concerns money, ask questions until you get the full story. However, even when you’ve gathered all the information you can, there still may not be enough to make an informed decision. That’s when you must rely on intuition. If you don't have the facts…guess.

Pisces: With two planets in your sign now and Mercury in the most disruptive storm period approaching its retrograde transit, it’s important to stay focused. You need to put your energy into everything you do to keep a handle on your responsibilities. Eat, sleep, do your job, have sex, buy groceries…pretty much just live your life.

Tune in next week when I write my own much more believable horoscopes!

I can see your future...

Aires: If someone calls you a jerk, they're either right or wrong. Cross the street at the light or in the middle of the block, it doesn't matter. Be careful to match your socks this morning. Mercury is spinning backwards this week and that can mean romantic entanglements.

Taurus:  Don't plug in your toaster except on Tuesday or Wednesday. Vary your routine as much as possible but don't change anything in your life. Tell the barista at Starbucks your name is Batman. Bring an umbrella if it looks like rain. That girl you spent the night with sure had a big Adam's Apple, didn't she?

Gemini: Don't dry your hair after you shower. When you go outside look up. You will meet a man wearing a pink carnation. Remember, Mars is having an Occluded Fezziwig today and you know what that means! Don't let anyone tell you different…those pants fit you fine.

Cancer: Put a tiny sombrero on your dog, he will hate you for it. Don't sign any contracts today, unless you want to. Romance is in the cards today so be sure to say I love you to every person you meet. If you don't wipe properly Uranus will smell.

Leo: Handing out dollar bills in the subway will get bums to like you. Don't take the D train today or the R, N, E, C or B trains. Order spaghetti at lunch but eat it with a spork. Take the initiative: if you want to beat a business rival in the office... use a baseball bat with a long nail in it.

Virgo: You will be uncomfortable all day, you got dressed in the car this morning and you still have on the hookers panties. Don't eat a bagel with cream cheese, it makes you poop funny. If you want to get a lot done today, you probably shouldn't go to work. Always use the shiny part of a mirror to see your reflection.

Libra: With Jupiter having a bad hair day, you must remember to knock on wood every time someone says the work debenture in a finance meeting. Everybody knows something but you don't know squat so keep your mouth shut. Your roommate is doin' it with your girlfriend…right now.

Scorpio: There will be confusion in your office this week, at the slightest sense that something is wrong, push people out of the way and head for the fire exit. You are right about everything, all the time but no one else thinks so. Shout obscenities at a random child in the street. Flex your creative muscles, spray paint someone's briefcase on the subway.

Sagittarius: With Venus in the House of Mars and Mars in the house of Susan, be sure to have all the pens in your desk lined up. You are a serious thinker, spend most of the day wondering why hot dogs come in packs of ten but hot dog buns come in packs of 8. 

Capricorn: If you need to add two numbers together today, use a calculator. Trust no one but tell everyone your deepest most dire secret…you know the one about the salamanders in your overalls. Mercury is super duper disruptive today so don't forget your tin-foil hat.

Aquarius: If someone asks you to lunch, say yes or no. When the boss mistakenly stops by your desk to congratulate you on the Foontzerman Contract, take all the credit. Then be prepared for a well-deserved beating from your co-workers. If your mother calls you, it's because your Dad didn't.

Pisces: Today is a great day to trim your nose hairs…at your desk. With Saturn and Jupiter about to collide producing a shockwave that will push the Earth into the fiery reaches of the sun, plan a party. Today some pens will have ink in them.

I'm comfortable with my sexuality...

In the Office...

Obviously everyone is talking about the snow.

Me: We got over 14 inches…how bad was it near you?

Jorge: About a foot.

Me: And that’s not the worst part, I’m getting another 10 inches tonight.

Jorge: Oh yeah? What’s his name?

Me: (shaking his hand) Bravo, sir, Bravo.

Say, Dave…guess what?

More fuckin' snow! That's what!

Wait…what? Why?