Look at Me!

Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

- Frank Zappa

I know, I know...

I don't get it…People tell me Im not smart enough to understand how clever and creative fashion designers are. But it's not creative, they are certainly not clever and most obvious of all it's never original. 

Fashion Design like Interior Design is never like a bolt from the blue, its always a copy of a copy of a copy. Generally when you think they have done something wholly-original, you only need to trace back a little further in history and you will find where the idea was last used.

I realize it's my problem and I have to deal with it…

...no, wait…

…it's not my fuckin' problem at all. 

The problem is a small group of sycophants that honestly and truly believe that what they are doing is interesting or even remotely beneficial to anyone other than themselves while they make money off of an increasingly un-educated public that accepts and promotes something as stupid as this…

And this...

and of course, this...

Join me next time as we dissect one of these designs so we can try to truly understand what appears to be the fevered dream of a fashion lunatic.

Help us to help you...

I always hated seeing these ads in New York City. They are NOT in any way designed to make people comfortable. They are designed so that Con Edison can avoid dealing with higher loads on their systems and the fear of a blackout. It’s about them, not about you. In fact Con Edison would love it if you would just send them a hundred bucks a month but never use “their” electricity at all.

Summer is heating up, so try these energy-saving ideas 
to keep your cool and save money!

Buy a new ENERGY STAR room air conditioner. And never turn it on…ever.

Keep A/C filters clean so your system runs more efficiently. And you’re gonna have to do that fifteen or twenty-two times a day because in the summer the air in NYC is just chock full of pollution, car exhaust, bike messenger-sweat fumes and the ever-lovely stench of 3-day old garbage cooking on hot street corners.

When you set your thermostat, keep in mind that every degree you lower it increases costs by 6 percent. So no matter how hot it is, leave your thermostat at 94 degrees all summer long.

When the A/C is running, close doors to keep cool air in and hot air out. Also remember that water keeps coming out of the faucet when its turned on.

Keep shades and blinds shut to keep the sun out. But why stop there? Place duct tape around every available surface, cover the windows in tinfoil and place bets on whether you suffocate or bake to death first.

Add up your savings with our free online energy calculators. These tools will make it very clear that if you are willing to spend the summer on smelly perspiration-drenched sheets in a tiny apartment with one window that faces a brick wall and now stinks of takeout from Excellent Dumpling House you can save upwards of $26 a month.

Run ovens, washing machines, dryers, and dishwashers early in the morning or late at night. It will also help us out a lot if you don’t take showers, only eat takeout and use plastic dishes whenever possible.

Cook in the microwave or outside on the grill to keep your kitchen cool. Yep, no shortage of grills in the shoebox-sized crapholes that you typically rent in New York. Maybe you can break the lock on the roof door and go up there and cook on the asphalt roof, its gotta be what…200 degrees up there by mid-day, right?

Call our EnergyLine (1-800-609-4488) for information on heat stress and additional tips to save on summer energy bills. I didn’t have any heat stress until you started telling me how to save money.

If you have power problems, we need to know so we can start ignoring you immediately. Report outages and check service restoration status at www.coned.com except if you have no power then you can’t do that or by calling 1-800-75-CONED. Except we won’t answer the phone because we are too busy sitting in our air conditioned offices with the thermostat set to 52 degrees joking about all the ways we can make you 
guys save energy.

Gather round children...

...while old man Dave tells the story of how Naked Friday came to be...

While I was at my last company I was not allowed to take a full vacation. Instead I had to take a day here and there.

Because I live out where I do and have a pool, I began sending photos of myself floating in the water, drinking champagne to the studio staff to irritate them since they were at work.

Because I took the photos of myself it wasn't apparent if I was wearing a bathing suit or not...hence the name.

I proclaimed those days as the new holiday Naked Friday.

But much as I floated in the pool, I also floated the holiday....therefore we have Naked Tuesday, Naked Wednesday etc. Basically any day I am out of the office and enjoying the real world.

Weekends don't count as they are always Naked Days.

So now... thanks to me, there is a holiday that everyone is free to enjoy, you can even follow the deep and philosophical thoughts I have during those days off on this world-reknowned blog.

I hope this explains a little more of the dark and cluttered closet that is Dave.

Some notable people who celebrate Naked Fridays... Pope JohnPaul II, Martha Stewart, Lars Ulrich, Spider-Man, Tom Cruise, Joss Whedon, Ernie (but not Bert) and of course Jesus.

People can't be this stupid...or can they?

Every time I swear the dumbest lyrics ever have been written...someone manages to make a liar out of me...

Shush girl, shut your lips.

Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.

I said shush girl, shut your lips.

Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips.

3OH!3 – Don’t Trust Me.