What today's kids are saying...

From the Texts From Last Night website...

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

I Have Seen The Signs!

It was a good year, wasn't it?

The following came from some notes that were enclosed in a wine shipment. I won’t say more than that except a great deal of what is written here is verbatim from the notes, that is to say, I haven’t altered what was written. You’ll often be hard pressed as I was to figure out what is real and what I added. Enjoy…

Dear Friends

As I have previously mentioned, 2015 is considered one of Napa Valley’s greatest vintages of all time, at least until next year when I try to push that same lie on you again.When everyone think’s it’s a great vintage, this is when a winemaker needs to pay the most attention for now is the time when he can push an absolutely ungodly amount of cheap hooch onto you, the unsuspecting, pretentious and downright idiotic customers.

2015 was a powerful and dense vintage which gives winemakers a serious boner. We have little margin for error and we must be careful. For me personally, extraction is the key factor and by that I mean doing my damnedest to extract all the money I can from your wallets. It also means coming up with lots of big fancy and oftentimes confusing words that contain so much bullshit, you really should put on a pair of hip waders before you read these stupid little notes I send you.

Anyhow, extraction…extraction is the key factor for you must ensure that the varietals were extracted the correct way for that given year, this year we extracted them sideways if you must know. If you pushed extraction on a masculine varietal like Cabernet Sauvignon you could potentially go overboard and make it a confused little wine, like that time in college when you thought you were gay.

For the wine in your shipment, the aforementioned (like that word?) Cabernet Sauvignon, I decided to try a commonly used blend in Australia (land of boomerangs, giant cans of beer and Mad Max) that few producers make in Napa Valley. We blended Cabernet Sauvignon which was extracted to be framed and concentrated kind of like the overly sweetened Bug Juice you had in summer camp when you were 11 years old  to match the silky aspect of the warmer climate Syrah. In a year as dense as 2015, it is nice to balance the masculine side of Cabernet with the feminine and sexy side of Syrah.

It literally makes my underwear damp just writing these words.

An epic vintage and stunning vineyard site can produce amazing wine. I mean you just can’t put some vines at the closed municipal dump unless you are ready to deal with the daily garbage fires breaking out every whichaway, knowwhutimean?

Our grapes comes from a highly regarded Stagecoach Vineyard in which each and every grape graduated summa cum laude from Harvard and that makes all the difference. It gives us a profile of density and concentration the likes of which haven’t been seen outside of a used cement mixer.

This wine is the very definition of raw power, intense sexuality and sophistication. On a really good date with a superhot chick you might be tempted to simply pour a bottle of it on your fragile man-parts to ensure a great end to your evening.

I welcome you to try my new wine. I challenge you to hold off drinking them until such time that you can get yourself one of those really good crazy straws. I personally defy you to not love this wine with such a fervor that you swear off women altogether and find some backwards country where they will allow you to marry the wine itself.

And I know that once you are done, sitting on the floor with those empty bottles, a potential head contusion and someones panties wrapped around your neck that you will come to the same conclusion that we all do in this business…

…that most wines are rarely better than a decent glass of Kool Aid.

Stefan Hochenloogie, Winemaker, General Manager and all around Snob.

Background: Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley, 2015

Color: Deep Dark Garnet, with hints of mahogany and perhaps a touch of teak and cherry.

On the Nose: Spicy with touches of thyme, sage, marzipan and chicken pot pie. Undertones of bacon, cheddar, potentially some ranch dip like you get with really good hotwings at Hooters, a whiff of bus station toilet seat, wood shavings, violet, Playdoh and just a hint of just-mown grass clippings.

On the Palate: Soft but fresh entrance on dark cherry, plums, mushroom soup and starfruit finishing with a huckleberry compote accompanied by the sounds of butterflies farting. 

Blend: 67% Cabernet, 19% Syrah, 13% Kool Aid and 1% Alka Seltzer for some subtle carbonation.

Winemaker Notes: Overall 2015 was an epic year in Napa Valley vintages, we had limited rain with quite a bit of heat, that is to say that spring followed winter once again this year. Because the sun tends to be hot, we had to protect the grapes from overexposure which we did by tying up a bunch of old bedsheets, a mess of stained curtains and even one of Aunt Winnie’s mumu’s.

Because it was a hot year, we reached sugar ripeness quickly, however we had to be patient in order for the tannins to ripen. because we didn’t have to worry about the rain, we were able to pick at the optimum time or we wouldn’t have been able to foist these bottles of swill onto you, our fine customers.

Drinkability: Now to 3 weeks. No more, after that your gonna get the grape squirts something awful.

Enjoy!

Bless You?

Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it'd be more hygenic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

Sheldon - Big Bang Theory

From www.jezebel.com

The world can be divided into people who prefer paper towels in public bathrooms and those who prefer air dryers, and a study published in the Journal of Applied Microbiology suggests science is on the side of towel devotees: Researchers demonstrated that Dyson jet air dryers can fling germs as far as 10 feet from the device.

For the experiment, researchers dipped their gloved hands in a suspension of the bacteriophage MS2 (similar in structure to the contagious enteric viruses transmitted in poop). The hands were then dried by one of three methods. First up were Dyson jet air dryers, which are designed to push water off of your hands in 10 seconds with roughly the force of a jet engine. Next were warm air dryers, which blow warm air downwards and supposedly remove water via evaporation. The final competitor was paper towels, which use absorbent paper to remove water from your hands (and actually leave them dry).

The first part of the experiment looked at how many bacteria are blown back on you during the drying process. Researchers erected a vertical board roughly 16 inches away from each dryer and counted the viral particles that landed on it. Overall, the jet dryer dispersed 60 times more particles than the warm air dryer and 1,300 more than the paper towel. 70 percent of particles hit the board between 2.5 and 4.5 feet—roughly chest or stomach level on an woman of average height, or right at the face level of a small child. At the highest density point, the jet air dryer dispersed 167 times as many viral particles as the warm air dryer and 8,340 times as many as a paper towel.

For the second part of the experiment, researchers studied air dispersal, or how much of the bacteria is spread into the air around the machine or towel. Airborne virus counts were consistently higher around the jet dryer both over time and distance. The jet dryer dryer propelled the virus as far as 10 feet away, with high levels recorded a full 15 minutes after use. There was no significant difference in air dispersal between warm air dryers and paper towels.

This isn’t a perfect study: Because it was done in a lab setting, researchers could not account for individual behaviors or real world differences. They also only tested one example of each hand drying device (Dyson is taking the heat here, but they are not the only makers of jet air dryers) and did so over a small number of trials. Critics of the study also rightfully point out that most people don’t dip their hands in bacteria prior to using the hand dryers: they wash their hands first. And it’s true that if one were to stick perfectly clean hands into a dryer, there would not be germs to blow around.

Unfortunately, here in the real world, 95% of people using public restrooms fail to adequately wash their hands. Sure, a small percentage may use the scientifically vetted, 42-second-long, six-step hand washing process that most effectively rids your hands of all the filthy germs you’ve picked up in the bathroom and world at large. The rest of them (OK, us) are doing a quick scrub or, worse, simply passing their hands under a running faucet for a few seconds for the illusion of cleanliness. So while the hands most people place in the dryer aren’t drenched in germs, they are likely carrying, among other things, poop particles. Poop particles that the machine then proceeds to blow all over the room, including back on the very hands you just cleaned.

This isn’t the first time a study has suggested that hand dryers are germ cannons, either. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Hospital Infection also supports this finding—but it was dismissed by Dyson as funded by Big Paper Towel (in their defense, that study was literally funded by Big Paper Towel, i.e. the European Tissue Symposium,). Dyson would direct us, instead, to 2011 study published in the Journal of Applied Microbiology that found their air dryers to be more effective at preventing the spread of germs than warm air dryers. Now it was Big Paper Towel’s turn to cry foul—that study was funded by Dyson Limited. The current study in question is funded independently by the researchers’ university (though the lead author has worked with the European Tissue Symposium in the past) lending it a hopefully uncontaminated air of legitimacy.

In a public bathroom with a dozen unlidded toilets, people who cough without covering their mouths, and various pathogens tracked in from the outside world, bacteria spread through hand dryers is probably not a game-changing concern (and paper towels are hardly without their drawbacks, too). But in a world where most people fail to follow the rules of basic hygiene, we don’t need newfangled inventions to make things worse.

A few months ago, shortly after this study was published, Dyson posted an ominously narrated attack ad of sorts titled “Paper’s Dirty Secret.” Don’t listen to Big Jet Dryer’s propaganda (well, maybe listen to it, because the video is hilarious—but don’t believe it). It is true that a 2012 pilot study found unused paper towels to be contaminated with small amounts of bacteria. But paper towels have been repeatedly shown to be efficient, effective, and—perhaps most importantly—not responsible for flinging extra poop germs through the air.

Let this be a reminder to us all to commit to the cause of handwashing. Don’t just put on a dab of soap and run your hands under the water. Go for the extended scrub, remember that drying is a critical step in this process, and use paper towels over the jet dryer anytime. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a shill for Big Jet Dryer, and implicitly supporting the flinging of poop.

Can we sub-contract that out?

Despite having a much smaller yard here in Miami, I still need assistance in keeping things neat. So as of today, I have hired an assistant, Bob who will handle light yardwork, mosquito control and searching my head for random ticks...

Dumber and Dumbest?

What the fuck face is he making here?

 It's like a combination of post-head trauma, 

severe intestinal distress and Bell's Palsy.

And that's putting it nicely.

I guess it depends on the content

Selfie:

Filthie: