Who says lawyers aren't funny?

And the response...

Happiest Place on Earth...

So we went to Disney for Ava’s birthday.

Say what you will about Disney but they have it all… screaming children complaining that they can’t find Goofy, college students in oversize character heads sweating themselves to death, questionable hot dogs, 4-dollar water, children screaming that they MUST MEET GOOFY THIS MINUTE, 120-minute waits for a 90 second ride, pretty clean bathrooms and of course screaming children complaining about Goofy trying to take a picture with them.

Also there seem to be a lot of children screaming, and lots of grown dudes with light sabers and one dude who was wearing (a shirt I hope was NOT sanctioned by Disney) 

that say “She Wants the D”.

We also went during Epcot’s Food and Wine Festival which seemed to be no more than an excuse for adults to pay $14 for 6 oz of bad wine. Sounds like something people with head trauma do.

So we stayed at The Art Of Animation in the Cars-Themed Hotel and let’s just say there is a reason why there are always rooms available at this one hotel…it’s because secretly almost everyone hates that movie and its insipid sequel Cars 2: Return of the Cars Once More, Mater’s Back Again.

Strange decor as you can see in the photos but you’re only in the room to poop, shower, sleep and to drop off the just ungodly amounts of crap you bought in the parks because you have no self control when surrounded by grown people acting like idiots every time Mickey shows up from one of this secret entrances that you never seem to be able to find.

So at this point we are checking in and headed to the room, Ava has no idea that Lauren is waiting in the room, a little surprise the girls cooked up.

We have arrived!

Note these amazing lamps...don't be jealous.

Desk, that turns into a bed...say what?

Surprise over, we are presented with our welcome package and its new fangled bands. 
You wear these at all times, I wore mine in the shower, I was afraid to take it off lest giant, ugly, burly men in those stupid Goofy hats with the ears would show up and forcibly superglue it to my wrist.

Anyway, the bands give you access to the parks, let you charge meals and allow you to take unlimited photos during your stay.

Also they track your credit card rating, age, general health, blood type (in case they need it when they thaw out Walt’s body), bank account info, religious affiliation, which Game of Thrones character is your favorite, political leanings etc.

Anyhow, we head into Hollywood Studios on account of the Star Wars Exhibit that I won’t leave without seeing even if it means threatening to take off my pants and bathe in the Muppets fountain.

Also I heard a rumor that I could meet Chewbacca, so I’m in HyperGeek mode. 

So in we go, taking pictures like our lives depended on it. Lauren is wearing a FitBit so we know everyday that we have walked the equivalent of climbing the Empire State Building 7 or 8 times.

The temperature seems even hotter than Miami and more humid which seems impossible, and I have stopped sweating since there is no liquid left in my body but somehow I still have to pee so I am incredibly excited when I see this:

So we do Star Tours, MuppetVision 3D and then watch Darth Vader terrorize a bunch of Jedi Trainees. In retrospect it should have been obvious what would happen. You take a handful of 5 and 6 year old children, children who you have spent a few years telling that Darth Vader is evil incarnate and then give them lightsabers and of course have Darth Vader come in thru a cloud of smoke right towards them.

So at that point the stage looks like a multicolored whirling dervish of flailing limbs and plastic lightsabers and over the din of the children screaming you hear the cast members, shouting “no hitting, no hitting”!

Child and muppet graffiti.

I'm not sure what's happening here.

Eventually we make our way to the The Star Wars Launch Bay, its full of artifacts from the movies, very cool stuff:

BB-8!

New stormtrooper helmet being photobombed by unsupervised child.

And again.

Slave-1

Captain Phasma.

Sometimes she frightens me.

David: "Wow, Han Solo's costume".

Ava: "Who da man"!

Then we met Kylo Ren and the amazing Chewbacca!

And then another surprise! We had tickets to the exclusive Star Wars Dessert Party.

Afterwards we are “escorted” by Stormtroopers to the open plaza for an 

amazing Star Wars themed fireworks and video display…

And then of course we received our Official Chewbacca Mug, an item that I simply must be buried with.

Next Day we have a character breakfast at the Hawaiian Resort…which means that no less than 2 metric tons of sausage will be delivered to the table in a giant skillet while Lilo and Stitch run around you disrupting your attempt to eat your own weight in eggs and guava juice.

Then into the Magic Kingdom which is just as magical as I remember it, that is to say it’s taking a magical amount of effort not to scream at the sheer number of grown women wearing Mickey Mouse ears and taking selfies. See example below…

 Weirdos in front of the castle.

So now the goal is to see how many lines we can stand on, cause thats what this is really all about, waiting online for 40 minutes to spend 3 minutes with a woman dressed like this:

and this...

and this...

Weirdo in background with mouth agape does not 

represent Disney or any of it's affiliates.

And there was no end of fun!  We also did Cinderella’s Castle, Pirates of the Caribbean, Crazy Phil’s WhoopdeeDoo Roundabout, Ariel’s Grotto, Monsters Inc. Laugh Floor, The Tomorrowland People Mover (which was about as exciting as an escalator ride, only somehow less so), Friggity Frippery Foompf, The Haunted Mansion (which made me nostalgic for the crappy movie with Eddie Murphy, if that’s even possible), Dumbo The Flying Elephant (the most fun you can have going in circles), Mickey’s Giggity Giggity Giggity and the highlight of it all… Splash Mountain which resulted in these images…

Then because we are a super-patriotic bunch we headed over to the Hall of Presidents, which (and this is only a coincidence) has awesome air-conditioning since we were on the verge of heat-stroke.

I’m not sure how to describe this ride…wait I will try, it was one of the most white-washed, jingoistic, self-congratulatory epics of bullshit I have ever seen in my life.

If an alien landed here and was watched this fiasco he would get the sense that everyone in the US is a great, generous, sane, healthy, law-abiding person who doesnt see color or creed, that believes everyone should be safe from persecution etc. Every time the show got to a crisis point where the US looks bad… Native Americans, armed conflicts, wars, etc it jumps ahead and skips all of the “unpleasantness”. It is utterly ridiculous.

The last slap on the face is where it shows heroes… statesmen, olympic athletes, Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy and then it shows Lance Armstrong…I wanted to poop in that oh so lovely air conditioned auditorium… but I couldn’t leave just yet, I had to see if among the heroes, they also showed Jeffrey Dahmer and Donald Trump.

Then… we get outside and as we are wandering around, we get to another character meet and greet…it’s Gaston from Beauty and the Beast…this was weird though, there were no children on line only women in their 40’s…women waiting to meet a guy with tight pants and a bad wig (Who I can’t fail to mention) is the ASSHOLE of the story…if this is what women want, I haven’t got a chance...

Photo from the internet, I simply dont think my camera 

could capture this much sleaze and smarminess in one photo.

Then on to dinner at the The Crystal Palace, where we were assaulted by Winnie The Pooh, Piglet and Tigger. And then the ‘magic” continued as we went to Mickey’s Not So Scary Parade.

We went Trick Or Treating and collected an estimated 3,000 pieces of candy between us, most of which Ava will eat before we get back to Miami.

Day 3…yes children it’s time for Epcot! The Future is Here, Yesterday! 

Yes, this place is also magical in the sense that the rides, displays and advanced technology are exactly what you would think of as being around in the future…if in fact it was still 1983.

It’s also the most fun you can have while being in close proximity to a replica of a gigantic ball, one so big Godzilla could use it as a suppository…not that he would of course.

Wow, I dont know where that comment came from.

On the upside we got to meet Baymax! On the downside, Ava got a hold of one of those stupid bubble-making wands and terrorized me with it…

We also grabbed lunch at The Lotus Blossom Cafe which is about as Chinese as my mother is…finally a shout-out to the Mom!

We also experienced: SpaceShip Earth, Souvenir Land (MouseGear….several times), Journey Into Imagination with Figment (still the best place to get a gust of skunk odor shot into your face), Intestinal Discomfort Land (thank you La Cantina de San Angel!), and then one gemstone among the turds…

Soarin’…this is a simulator that lifts you about 15 feet in the air in front of a curved 4 story screen onto which is projected images from around the world as taken by aircraft.  So you race along over mountain tops, across the african savanna, over the Great Wall of China etc. It is extremely disorienting and exciting and for my money, you just can’t buy that sort of anxiety outside of the mosh pit at an Avenged Sevenfold concert.

The ride is maybe 3 minutes long and we waited 40 minutes to get on it and it was still worth it. I highly recommend it if you like to watch large groups of people almost poop themselves.

Dinner was at the previously-mentioned La Hacienda de San Angel. As we wrapped up dinner, it started to rain…oh sure you’ve heard of and even experienced rain before but I can assure you not like this.

Living down here you know even large storms pass quickly so we waited…and waited and waited and then a guy floated by in a small boat so we knew we had to make a decision.

Did we decide to go back to our warm and dry hotel…no we had to go to…The Japanese Marketplace where Ava could choose her own oyster, have it pried open in front of her to reveal…that your wallet is now $65 lighter than it was earlier.

No seriously, they opened it and inside was a pearl…they have a person who irritates each oyster without mercy… much like a child with an automatic bubble-maker wand.

And so we were off... back to the bus that would take us to our hotel and ideally a towel or two.

So that’s it kiddies, I left the next morning at 6:00am to catch a flight back to Miami and to reality…well as much as Miami resembles reality.