Im here to help you…it's what I do.
First up is the Mustache Mirror. I had to really think about this one. Maybe the problem is I already have a mustache so I don't really look to my mirror to provide me with the illusion of a mustache when I can so readily grow a real one.
What weird is the choices of style seem so random. From left to right you have the "porn stache" in case you want to see what it would be like to be a refugee from a 1970's adult film. Next you have the barber shop quartet style favored by participants in that uncomfortable music style or perhaps you are a evil guy looking to tie a girl to train tracks. Last is the one made famous by the rich guy in the monopoly game, something that never goes out of style if you ask me.
I guess my biggest problem is that of where you hang the mirror. If it's high enough for you, short people see the mustaches on the tops of their heads like some sort of strange toupee and if you have friends that are pro basketball players, they see the mustaches on their crotch like strange little stylish merkins.
OrbitWheels: Im not sure what use these are. I guess if you generally travel by skateboard (and most likely are 13 years old) then this may appeal to you. I can't see why this would be fun, generally humans walk forward so forcing yourself to slide sideways on twin circles seems counter intuitive to behaving like a normal person.
Of course this photo illustrates that he may not in fact be a normal person, in fact if I had to guess he appears to be the kind of person who has to wear a helmet all the time…if you catch my drift.
In fact in the picture he seems to be saying: "gosh I hope some ten year old boys don't come by and push me over and then violate my helpless prone form". Although if that happened, I think that would make me smile.
Litter Kwitter: This just seems wrong on so many levels, the least of which is the picture of a cat that seems to be saying "come a little closer, so I can show you how I really feel about this". It's a series of concentric plastic circles that teach the cat to crap into your toilet. As she gets better at balancing herself, you remove the smaller circles until finally she uses the seat the way most people do.
I say most people because I lived in South Carolina for a few years…and I'll say no more.
The reason this is stupid is apparent to any person who owns a cat and that is, you can't train them to do anything. They do what they want when they want to whom they want and if they want to crap in your shoes or on your windowsill or in your favorite pillowcase…then by God that's what you're going to have to deal with.
And I don't know about you but I drink a lot and the last thing I want to do in a drunken stupor is shit all over some plastic rings when I come home...cause cats are vindictive fuckers…it goes like this: she goes to use the toilet, finds my alcohol fueled dump all over her potty and then to teach me a lesson, goes and takes a dump in the toaster.
And then nobody wins.
Tex, The Armadillo Beverage Holder: Have you ever been sitting in front of the TV watching American Idol or something equally retarded and thought, "I wish I had someplace completely stupid to put my beer can". Then this is the product for you.
Monet Rain Boots: I've cropped it out of the picture but above the image it said…"Everybody Loves Them". Thats not true…it simply can't be. Everyone doesn't agree on the same thing…well except that breasts are fantastic fun or that Paris Hilton should be squeezed to death in a filthy trash compactor. But these boots…no way.
I don't know why someone would even create these unless they were looking for a way to make other people walk into incoming traffic because they aren't paying attention.
iRestore Hair Laser: You know when I was growing up, I watched Lost in Space a lot and I always wanted to have the really cool laser than Colonel Don West used. Having said that, at no time did I ever think I wanted to shoot someone's hair with it…this just takes all the fun out of owning a personal weapon of mass destruction.
Ok, now that I got that out of the way. This actually appears to be a device that promotes hair growth but I don't understand, I would think using an intense beam of energy on your head would burn away what little hair you had but judging by the photos Im wrong.
As you can tell from these very scientific pictures, the top band moves back and forth shooting lasers at your scalp over and over until you are either bald or in possession of a hairline that has never existed on earth before.
Anyway…my guess is this device grows hair about as well as watching Lost In Space reruns does.
